writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 




Words: 631
Access: Public
Comments: 2

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




Ch 1 Cellar Door

On the way to the cellar, she stopped to listen one more time. Her instincts were in high gear as she tightened her grip on the stair railing, hoping not to fall again. Too many times her refuge had been one of agonizing scrapes and bruises; too many times she had muffled her tears--this time, she swore, she'd watch her step. But the noise was louder now, and it was coming from the kitchen. All that was between her and the noise was the cracked door without a lock. She was tempted to push on the door just in case the noise wanted to follow her into the darkness. Frozen in the damp hull, holding her breath, straining to hear, the grip faded, and Shelby fainted.

---

'Take out the trash on your way out, dear,' mom shouted from the top of the stairs.
'Sure thing,' Shelby yelled as she grabbed the bulging trash bag. 'I'll be home before dinner. Wish me luck on my finals!' and the screen door bounced twice behind her in reply.

It was the last day of school, 1978. Her last test was today and then she would be free. No more school. Ever. Most of her friends planned on a relaxing summer and a race to the nearby junior college for two years. Shelby could not make up her mind and had procrastinated too long for the SAT deadline, so her college days were not in the fall plan. She would get a job and work a while, perhaps saving up enough money to go to the university rather than community college. All the movies she had seen depicted a crowd of happy-go-lucky freshmen meeting boys, partying, and living in dorms. More than anything Shelby wanted to do better than anyone else. She wanted to go to college in a real college, not some blank classroom with dull-eyed, boring teachers who never made it to the big leagues. She would lose ten pounds, work hard, save her money, and show everyone the way it should be done. She wanted to be one of those happy, carefree college girls, living in a dorm with pranks and laughter, wrapped up in a sweater two sizes too large, and flip-flopping through the dorms with oversized, furry house slippers. Most of all, she wanted the laughter again.

Only there was a problem: her parents. Her father worked at the local mill and had set aside a small savings each paycheck just for Shelby's college. But after her sister died in the accident, all the funds were used for the burial and the memorial headstone. She remembers her mom trying to decide what to put on it, and Shelby winced each time she read it: Our little angel girl. In a way, Shelby was jealous. If Denise was the angel girl, then what was she? That was two years ago. Two years since the laughter died.

The cellar door had been left ajar, and Denise and Shelby were play fighting in the kitchen. Shelby had a dishtowel and had been chasing Denise all over the house popping her with the end of it. Once in the kitchen, Denise backed up to the cellar door to escape the snap, it opened, she fell. Her neck was broken. The door was broken. And now, her family was broken. Strange how one minute there was a cloud of laughter and fun, then the next minute an ambulance is hauling off sisterhood. Like a busy pair of bees in flight, flittering from petal to petal and suddenly, a hand reaches in and whacks one, killing its purpose in life. All the bees fly home wondering what happened. That's Shelby. Wondering all the time what the hell happened. Wondering what's next.

Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
DivaWriter Comment by: DivaWriter - 2006-06-12 23:56
Add to Readers
      
Your story is off to an interesting start. However, when reading it, I found a few things you might want to consider- 1. In your prologue, I found this (Too many times her refuge had been one of agonizing scrapes and bruises; too many times she had muffled her tears) too be confusing. How can a refuge be scraps and bruises? I think that's a bit muddled- at least to me. 2. The use of the word "hull" seems inappropriate. It usually denotes the main body of a ship; perhaps you could come up with something else. 3. There seems to be a dichtomy with the protagonist (Shelby). You tell us that she procrastinated and missed the deadline for the SATS, yet in nearly the next breathe we are told that "MORE THAN ANYTHING Shelby wanted to do better than anyone else. She wanted to go to college..." It just seems unlikely that someone with such strong desire would let that happen (miss the SATS). 4. Remembers"" seems like the wrong tense-"She remembered her mom trying..." sounds better. 5. "In a way, Shelby was jealous," seems unnecessary to say. You already are SHOWING us that she is jealous. 6. I believe you can stretch yourself a little further and come up with something better than "cloud of laughter and fun." Doesn't work too well. I mean, there are clouds of many kinds, but joy and laughter doesn't really work that well. Maybe it's too clicheish. (sp) Finally, the busy bees in flight angle doesn't work either. I believe you can come up with a better metaphor- plus, "all the bees fly home wondering..." doesn't fit with what you previously said- you only mention a "pair" 2 bees in flight- where did the others suddenly come from? I would just scrap that whole part and come up with something else.
Well, I hope this has been helpful. You are a good writer Ginger, and I look forward to reading more!
DivaWriter Comment by: DivaWriter - 2006-06-12 23:56
Add to Readers
      
Your story is off to an interesting start. However, when reading it, I found a few things you might want to consider- 1. In your prologue, I found this (Too many times her refuge had been one of agonizing scrapes and bruises; too many times she had muffled her tears) too be confusing. How can a refuge be scraps and bruises? I think that's a bit muddled- at least to me. 2. The use of the word "hull" seems inappropriate. It usually denotes the main body of a ship; perhaps you could come up with something else. 3. There seems to be a dichtomy with the protagonist (Shelby). You tell us that she procrastinated and missed the deadline for the SATS, yet in nearly the next breathe we are told that "MORE THAN ANYTHING Shelby wanted to do better than anyone else. She wanted to go to college..." It just seems unlikely that someone with such strong desire would let that happen (miss the SATS). 4. Remembers"" seems like the wrong tense-"She remembered her mom trying..." sounds better. 5. "In a way, Shelby was jealous," seems unnecessary to say. You already are SHOWING us that she is jealous. 6. I believe you can stretch yourself a little further and come up with something better than "cloud of laughter and fun." Doesn't work too well. I mean, there are clouds of many kinds, but joy and laughter doesn't really work that well. Maybe it's too clicheish. (sp) Finally, the busy bees in flight angle doesn't work either. I believe you can come up with a better metaphor- plus, "all the bees fly home wondering..." doesn't fit with what you previously said- you only mention a "pair" 2 bees in flight- where did the others suddenly come from? I would just scrap that whole part and come up with something else.
Well, I hope this has been helpful. You are a good writer Ginger, and I look forward to reading more!
1
Bookshop

"Myths From The Mists Of Time"

by Graeme Sandford



There was a time when knights travelled the land in search of...

Visit that time again in these five works from the mind of informal grae.

Enter upon a small quest in anticipation of strange adventures to behold.






(All proceeds to charity)

Myths From The Mists Of Time

Sponsored Ads


Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S