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into me see
Can I ask you to
see into me?
walls that are
built in my mind
secrets that i hide,
shameful at times
cobwebs strung
in my chest,
holding my heart
in distress
longing to be free
wounds that are raw,
easily bleed
Can I ask you to
see into me?
love that is pure,
looking to seed
soul within,
that longs to grow
hands that are cold,
needing to hold
a heart that is bound,
longing to be free
my mind that is strong,
longing to be seen
Can I ask you to
See into me?
Words that I write,
expressing truth
all that grows
sharing with you
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Im soo digging your material Jodi...you are definitely skilled in light rhyme and the way you pull it off is soooo smooth (just like the other three pieces of your I have read). Very sensual and romantic- I LOVE IT!!!
My fave:
Can I ask you to
see into me?
love that is pure,
looking to seed
soul within,
that longs to grow
hands that are cold,
needing to hold
a heart that is bound,
longing to be free
my mind that is strong,
longing to be seen |
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| wonderful jodi. the flow and rhyme is very smooth in this poem. great honesty in your words, love the repetition of 'see into me?' lovely. |
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Stanza one, you might cut:
all I hide
that isnā??t pretty
do you mean:
hurt that has passed?
(and i don't think you need that line. it flows without it)
I don't think the second and third stanzas live up to the first. I know they are 'vulnerable' but they feel boneless? |
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| this piece is really nice. it sounds as if the narrative is heart-felt, and reaching out. You've used simple words, which add to the piece, because it doesn't detract from the greater meaning. well done. |
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Comment by: suleem - 2006-06-14 08:52
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| This is by far the best yet. I can see you with all your heart open. Very good. hope this is a part of a plan to have this published. |
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