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Comment by: Teri - 2006-07-25 16:44
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Ah, yes, the insanity of betrayal. You have it all here - the jumble of emotions and anger and hurt and and and ... everything! IMO, the switching is what makes this so real. The forgiveness then the anger then the forgiveness then the hurt then the "I'm moving on, don't need this sh*t" etc.
You have the roller coaster ride down perfectly! I'd change nothing except the "second when I though" to "thought". As Maggie May wrote, great write!!! :) |
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| Excellent poem. It moves quickly and with suffering. You can definitely feel the ouch of it. On the second to last line though, is that supposed to be thought? |
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Think you could rework:
Tears roll
I am blocked off
It hurts inside
Who am I fooling
I could just die
Left to feel
Complete again
I took this journey
Here it ends
I am second there
Is no doubt to that
Second when I though
I had won out
The first part I was in it, could feel what you are talking about. This second part I don't know. some of it I don't understand like:
Left to feel
Complete again ????
what does that mean?
It switches too quickly from anger and insanity to logic (for me) |
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Comment by: suleem - 2006-06-14 08:50
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| Very emotional. Makes this complete |
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Comment by: MaggieMay Online- 2006-06-14 07:45
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| this is a very rhythmically sound piece. Th meter is so tight there's no possible way of penitrating one unwanted syllable in there. Great write! |
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