Ive always been happier when I wasnt scared.  Like most people, I wasnt that much of a risk taker.  I also didnt let anything scare me.  But, there are things that one cannot control, the fear of certain animals, insects, bugs, you know, creepy shit.  For me, I simply ignored the fear.  I did, however, enjoy taking many adventurous trips.  Trips to places that required vaccination and gallons of bug repellent. 

            What can I say?  I enjoyed it.  I loved sweating my balls off and getting chased by guys with bones through their noses.  I knew what to expect and I always just expected the worst.  Its fear telling me to be careful.  So I was.  When trips occurred in which I had absolutely no problems, I honestly thought that I did something wrong.  This trip, well, this trip is something else.  I must be doing something right.

            Right from the start it went perfectly.  I lost most of my luggage flying to this great country.  First of all, I actually had no clue what country I was in.  I didnt know whether I was in Brazil or Venezuela.
You see, these types of trips are not cheap and unfortunately, I am not
rich, but I was lucky enough to know some very good people to know.  So I got to go on these adventures for a relatively cheap cost.  The only thing is that I had to tag along with some other expeditions and help them along the way

Sometimes, Id get stuck with some missionaries.  I met a lot of great people through the missionaries, those that actually believed what they preached.  There were many who preached out of fear though; they were interesting, to say the least.  As soon as they would reach the natives Well, for example, this one time I was in southeast Sudan, just north of Kenya.  I cant remember the name of the people, but their women were beautiful.  The Newer Tribe or something like that. 

These men of God just didnt know any better.  They had never seen a nude woman.  Their entire lives they had been shut off from any and all sexual stimulation.  They had never even cranked one out.  Could you imagine that?  Thats insane!  But, these guys did it.  They were all about that, because that was all they knew.  As soon as they saw a bare, beautiful and black-as-night breast, some of these men collapsed in pain and a few began to pray.  Others gawked, some ignored them and were not fazed at all; these guys did enjoy looking at the naked boys a lot. 

It was interesting.  Thats why I did all this.  It was a lot of fun and I got to do many cool things, but this trip was a goddamn mistake.  This was definitely the only trip that I had ever been on that I regret.  It went bad right from the very beginning, Im telling you.  Aside from not knowing where I was and my luggage being lost, my contact in town was nowhere to be found.   His name was Juan Sanchéz.  Could you imagine how many Juan Sanchézs there are in that stupid town? 

After I met with about a dozen Juan Sanchézs, I decided to just figure out what I had to do by myself to get on some trip.  I got a room at the local hostel and decided to hang out in its lobby.  As I began to doze off into magazine that I was reading, I was awoken by an annoying group of voices.  I could recognize these people anywhere; they were one of my own.  They were Americans.  The
group consisted of three guys fresh out of college or some other
bullshit that they constantly mentioned and I constantly ignored. 

They, too, were looking for some adventure and were in need of a guide.  Sure, I didnt know where I was, but I know how to survive in the jungle and read a map.  Getting lost is not easy, if you know what youre doing.  The problem sometimes is trying to get the fuck out of there.  You know where you need to go, you just cant get there.  Thats when things go REALLY wrong. 

One of these kids was a pilot.  I think his name was Tony.  Tony had spent some time in the Army as a helicopter pilot.  He was in love with this fact, which is what led me to believe that he never saw any action.  Well, the point is, he was going to fly us into the jungle.  They had arranged for there to be a helicopter waiting for them at the airport.  In
this part of the world a couple of bucks can get you anything. Trust
me, I know. Its how I met my wife, the twelve-year-old Filipino boy.  Just kidding.

These boys were pretty excited and I couldnt blame them, it did sound pretty exciting to fly a helicopter into the jungle.  I actually just figured that we wouldnt find a decent place to land and would just fly overhead, looking at the beautiful earth.  I didnt hang out with them much before our little trip.  Actually, I didnt hang out with them at all.  I really couldnt stand them.  They were loud and constantly drinking.  Drinking too much isnt the smartest thing to do before you venture out into the hot and humid jungle.  When you pant for air with your mouth open in the jungle, youre bound to eat your own body weight in insects. 

I was hoping that they would.  This was a mistake.  I should have stopped those boys from drinking too much.  The next morning, the three young men were still pretty eager to go on this trip and Im not being sarcastic.  They were amped.  Remember
what part of the world we are in and what kind of good crops are easily
accessible here. These boys were up all night long and had not slept
one minute. 

I
was a little worried when I saw those pale faces with those zombie
eyes, talking way too fast for me to understand and way too often to
let me speak.  It wouldnt be a great trip if everything didnt go bad.  Tony was wired, to say the least.  His jaw was clenched as tight as he could get it and spoke by grinding his teeth and speaking between the gaps.   This was our pilot.  Lets go. I said and we did.

Tony knew what the fuck he was doing; there was no doubt about his skill as a pilot.  There was also no sign of any area open enough to land a helicopter.  Things
seemed to be going pretty well at this point and just as soon as I
began to feel a sense of calm and comfort, Tony spotted a good place to
land. 

I said no.  There was no way that we could land there.  The spot that he described as a good place to land was not a good place to land, at all.  It was an open area towards the right of a waterfall.  It was a marvelous sight.  It
was a place where the world rose up from the ground about two hundred
feet, creating a massive waterfall amongst a very impressive cliff wall
covered in lush green vegetation.  Like I said
before, the good place to land was an open area to the right of the
falls, it was clear because at different times of the year, the river
floods and creates a large stream clearing all that is in its path. 

Despite
my objections, Tony and the other two decided that it was not only a
good place to land, but also an awesome spot, which I do agree with,
but not to land, not today, not with Tony.  But, we did, regardless, attempt to land next to those falls.  Im
sure that on a more sober day, Tony would have been more than capable
to land that helicopter, but today he couldnt keep his hands straight.  As we went down to land, Tony was mesmerized by the glimmering waterfall and the rumble that it made.  It wasnt for a long time, but enough to startle him when he snapped out of his daze.

Tony yanked on the flight stick hard to the right, as if trying to escape the waterfall.  He panicked and we began to descend fast.  Tony tried to swerve out of the cliffs way but still managed to hit it with the top propellers.  The next thing  that I remember was a sharp pain across my stomach, then lots of spinning.  Soon I wasnt in the helicopter anymore.  I could feel the cold mist hitting me.  I fell down a hundred feet and somehow managed to get caught on a giant branch.  And here I am.

I dont feel too well.  I still havent looked down, but I know its not good.  I cant feel my legs and Im starting to lose consciousness.  You know how I told you before that I was able to ignore certain fears?  I cant right now.  Im scared.  Im really fucking scared.  Theres no way out of this one.  This trip was perfect because everything that could go wrong did and now I have to make one last decision.  My head is going numb, my arms are going weak, and I decide that now would be the best time to find out if I could fly.

I let go and fall; its very nice and it is very calm until I look down and see my insides hanging out of me.  When the propellers hit the cliff, a piece that broke off sliced me across the belly, opening me up like a fish.  As I fall, I see my guts hit the rocks below, reminds me of an umbilical cord.  Then I hit and thats where my life and adventures end.