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CAN I TOUCH
Not your body... But your soul,
More precious than diamonds or gold'¦
You can smile,
What I say is true'¦
There's nothing more beautiful,
Than what dwells inside of you,
Your mind,
Your heart,
Your joy and your pain
Embraces me with love when my life is fill with rain
This touch from you I can't explain,
Your eyes like heaven,
Your body so right,
I guess this touch is beyond plain sight'¦
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| it is so when u r in love... |
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This is a beautiful poem and I absolutely love the first line! You did a great job!
In my opinion, the poem could end at the 10th line (starts with "Embraces me..."). It seems that after that line, the poem loses a little bit of its flow and beauty.
The line "This touch from you I can't explain" doesn't fit with the rest of the poem because its talking about you touching her, not her touching you. And even if you meant it to be that she is touching you (since the line before says that what's inside of her embraces you) I still think the action of touching should be left for you to do and shouldn't switch to her.
I love the line "Your eyes like heaven" but there are two problems with this. In the beginning of the poem, you list intangible things, things that are truly inside of her (mind, heart, joy, pain) but then in this line you talk about her eyes. You made such a wonderful statement in lines 5 and 6 ("There's nothing more beautiful than what's inside of you) that I'd hate for you to downplay your words by mentioning something on the outside. You do this even more with the next line where you say "Your body so right." Again, the focus should be on what's inside.
And then the last line somewhat makes sense, but I feel that it's a weak ending that slightly weakens the entire poem.
If you ended with the 10th line, the poem would have a nice, strong finish.
But, these are only my opinions, the poem is absolutely wonderful. |
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Comment by: PANDORA - 2006-06-29 21:29
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| Another romantic poem. She is a very lucky lady. Romance lives and that gives me hope. Very well written. ** |
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Comment by: - 2006-06-29 09:20
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Great job of metaphoric expression and twisting or trading senses: one for another.
bobby |
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| Great expression. It's so hard to write something about love and have it sound sincere, but this has the distinct air of romanticism. Well done. I especially liked the first line, which is so raw and direct. |
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