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My Day Yesterday
Had a vision yesterday morning
Somewhere like
Someplace like
How we used to dance
And
Swung around like weightlessness
Like gravity
Like silence
Over frozen earth
The frightening traction
Our footprints
Had a fantasy last afternoon
Somewhat like
Somehow like
Eyes in the dark
But
I could still see them
Like stars
On a field of velvet
Blue, and close
Still sleeping
Still quiet
Had a dream last night
Something like
Someone like
You
Or
Your friend beside you
Whose name I have forgotten
Never knew
Maybe just
"Your friend"
Will do
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Comment by: Riss17 - 2006-07-13 17:09
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| Nice poem. The imagery was very beautiful and the ending made me smile. There was something about it all that made me nostalgic. Lovely. |
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Comment by: Shayne - 2006-07-09 22:07
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| I like what you did with the rewrite. It flows better now, I think, and matches up with the feel of the 2nd and 3rd stanzas a little more, too. Just a question, though - did you mean to say "The frightening traction OF our footprints"? |
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| I loved the repetition, the flow, the continuous thought of trying to remember the vision/fantasy/dream. I think the subtle changes are making this poem truly special. Great work! |
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Comment by: - 2006-07-09 11:40
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Really like the rhyming and the constant use of the lines:
"..... like"
"...... like"
Made for great repitition and flow. Great image of thoughts and subcoincous. Thanks for the read. : D |
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Comment by: Shayne - 2006-07-09 08:18
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I like how the poem reflected the mind's attempt to remember something from long ago - the way we can't grasp all the details, but instead, are left with fragments of images and feelings that always leave us wanting for something. Well done.
The one thing I would say in critique is that the first verse, when compared to the other two, seemed to end rather abruptly. It's not bad, per se, but I found it a bit jarring, and so I thought I'd mention it.
Cheers. |
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