It was a marriage of convenience. They were trying to deport this giant mutant euglena, which I happened to know from a troupe of improv performers at the Goth club Fangeely's. Her name was Gremamine.

A euglena is a single-celled freshwater organism marked by the presence of chlorophyll, a reddish eyespot, and one anterior flagellum. But that's not why I married it.

As I said, the government wanted Gremamine gone. Most euglenas move around freely without hassle because they are so small, but she was doused with radio-active Miracle Grow and ended up about 5 foot three inches, not counting the whip.

Ahhh, the memories. Rolling in the swimming pool, the bathtub, and the Jacuzzi and limited only by our imaginations and the chlorine levels.
Then it happened. I came home early from work and found Gremamine flogging a Venus fly trap with her flagellum! The shock! The heartbreak.

The fly trap's maw undulated as it hissed, "More! More!" in tones not audible to the human ear. Waves of invisible plasma emanated outward from the two plant lovers, filling the room with a ripe vegetable smell.

I ran. Ran as fast as I could and never looked back.

Now I've settled into a small bungalow and share the rent & utilities with a couple of small palm trees. I rarely go out.

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