(Woman in her 60's is sitting at a restaurant table, using knife to trace patterns in the tablecloth. She picks up spoon and puts lipstick on while looking into it. She is sitting with 16 year old boy)

When I was a child. Well I wasn't a child. I was five and then eight and then a very old woman. My father was mentally ill- a schizophrenic- do you know what that means? It more or less means the house revolves around him, no one else can need anything- because it might 'upset' him- might mean he would have an 'episode'. Do children need to know about episodes? Not unless it's on Batman.

I never wanted to have a child, never. I was lacking a mothering gene because my mother was the man in our house. She mothered my father and fathered me. Children scared me - open mouths, clutching hands, diapers.


If I was a magic genie (wraps napkin around her head like turban) I would have granted my wish to never have a child. Instead (turns napkin into baby bundle) within a year of meeting Sean I had a child.
A quiet child, a lovely child, but still a child. I was crying all the time. (napkin into tissue) I couldn't tell anyone what was wrong, you couldn't say you didn't want a child back then. So I stopped crying I went along with it.

We not only had baby pictures, we had movies, acres of footage (tablecloth turns into movie screen) Sam walking, sitting, reading, going to school, riding a pony (this can be done with film or with shadows) I never had this much attention in my whole life. I started to hate him. Would hate be the right word? I didn't want to see him, smell him, touch him, hear his name. He was the king of the house (puts on tablecloth like cape gets up and starts walking around- realizes what she is doing and sits down) He was the king.

Christ, I was jealous of Jesus when I was little because he had a perfect mother and a stepfather who rushed into save him. When was someone going to rush in and save me?

The nuns tried (she starts to put napkin on head like nun's habit) No, that only works if....

(She starts to sing quietly "Ooh-oo child things are going to be easier, Ooh-oo child things are going to be brighter. One day yeah, we'll walk in the rain of a beautiful sun, one day yeah..")

(Sam is sitting across from her at table)

You became quiet. A little too quiet. Tiptoeing around me, the way I used to tiptoe around my father. I wanted you to love me, but you can't force love. If I was a genie, I would have given you to someone who knew how to love you. What's that you say? No one knows how to love?

Shoplifting, setting fires, shooting up, anything you could do to get someones attention, were your 'episodes'. What's that? At least I paid attention to you then? Who the hell paid attention to me?

(Sam turns his back in the chair- or leaves table?)

Sam didn't say anything when he left. No big scene. I was no longer living with Sean, but we talked from time to time as only people who share a child do. Pretending we had more in common when we did. Sean found him in his bed.

When I saw him he was tucked in bed with a lot of sheets wrapped around him, if they were drenched in ice water, it would have been just like how I used to see my father. I reached over and touched him because he was asleep and he would not flinch. Sam, I said, bold enough not to whisper, not scared to wake him up ' Sam, I love you.

(lays her hands on Sam)

Babe, that was a long time ago. Do you remember that?

(this is from a series of interlinked monologues)

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