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TDaniels
Troy Daniels
United States

Words: 115
Access: Public
Comments: 8

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You lose, my friend

You lose my friend,
you knew you would
you watched it fall
from whence it stood
the time you spent
with delicate hands
giving up all
this structure demands
spending your talents
and tightening the slack
from carving precision
to breaking your back
all of your sweat
poured into the dirt
to grow up the flowers
to cover the hurt
and all of your blood
bled into the mortar
to steady the walls
and keep it in order
and all of your tears
which washed it clean
to make it fit
for the one you call queen
but you lose my friend
it fell to the ground
you lose my friend
it all fell down

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Comments  
carriedale Comment by: carriedale - 2007-06-25 18:33
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amateaur? YOU LIE. You put me (an honest to goodness amateaur) to shame! This has a nice strong rhythm from beginning to end, put together very well...but why is there a comma in the first line and then no more? Am I reading it wrong, or is it not needed? I am NO REAL CRITIC OR EDITOR...just wondering if I missed something.
prolificsantu Comment by: prolificsantu - 2007-03-19 07:34
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very real...
AnSmash Comment by: AnSmash - 2007-01-25 11:23
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Wow! Great job! I love the repetition...it keeps your eyes glued to the poem. Great imagery also, definitely not an amateaur piece.
AnSmash Comment by: AnSmash - 2007-01-25 11:23
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Wow! Great job! I love the repetition...it keeps your eyes glued to the poem. Great imagery also, definitely not an amateaur piece.
mitra Comment by: mitra - 2006-10-27 07:04
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This could mean so many things in various situations. Lost effort? Lost time? Lost relationship? Inner battle? great theme.
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