I remember one lock down in particular. The event was caused by inmates who had been caught 'breaking the law'�'�not an unusual occurrence in prison. The warden decided a message needed to be sent out to all inmates. The inmates had no control, the establishment did. We needed to be reminded of this periodically as we became comfortable and settled and our criminal thinking re-established itself in the population.

One of the ways guards reminded us of our powerlessness was by searching everything we had. (I have written about this previously). So'�with our breakfast (usually a boxed breakfast of cold cereal, a fruit and a box of milk) came the directive 'take everything from your drawers, lockers, underneath your mattress and under your bed and roll up your blankets and mattress'�place all of your belongings on the metal platform where your mattress usually lays'�'�.The message was, 'The guards are on their way to search'�by the end of the day much of your stuff will be gone'�'�

We had to put on our Mu Mus for this occasion. Mine was a lovely sky blue mu mu with white polka dots. It was a tent!! It made me feel like Mama Cass Elliot'�I loved my Mu Mu. I had to undo my hair (all kinds of contraband can be hidden in hair I am told)'�(ah'�but can Taco Mush be hidden there?? I think NOT)'�

So in my Mu Mu (the better to see you with Grandma) and my long flowing hair, I would wait with my heart in my throat... Sixteen hours later they would come'�

Sixteen hours'�.a day with no place to sit or lay down'�A day filled with anxiety about what I would lose today'�A day of having nothing else to do but listen to the blaring hip-hop of my fellow cell mates boom box... A day of no where to go and no place to hide'�Anticipation would build'�

Then'�the door would unlock and we would be hustled through two lines of guards'�'�Hands on head'� I think I saw this movie'�Schindler's List wasn't it? We were off to have our bodies violated'�leaving our earthly possessions to be pawed through and discarded at our captors whim'�


'Hands on head!'� run the gauntlet'�try not to care'�try not to feel the fear, frustration and anger that threatened to suck the air out of my lungs.

Ten women in a small room'�'�Turn around, hands against the wall. Lift one foot and then the other'�Let's do the hokey pokey'�Take your Mu Mu, bra and underwear off'�turn around and face the guard'�'�I did not let my eyes wander to the naked bodies all around me. I saw only the guard with her flashlight and surgical gloves'�I pulled my ears forward, one at a time. I opened my mouth so wide the guard could have seen my ovaries, had I had any. I flipped my hair forward and shook it out'�We were all dancing the dance of inmates. Paying the price for our crimes'�

Then'�'�Turn around and face the wall. Each one in turn'�bend over'�squat'�cough'�squat'�cough'�squat'�cough'� The moment of ultimate trauma and violation had arrived'�'�Bend over'�spread your labia, spread your cheeks'�'�

I could almost feel the soft light of the flashlight as my secrets were revealed'�pale white beam exploring the pink folds of my vagina'�it may as well have been my heart laid open to the uncaring eyes of the female guard'�

I can remember thinking 'I hope I wiped my butt'�I hope I didn't leave anything behind'�I wonder what I look like from out there'�'�

Then'�I see and feel everything from a great distance'�I can no longer protect the spirit of the woman who is me'�I go away from me'�to a place where nothingness surrounds me and fills me'�

It is over'�I am told to put my clothes back on. I am allowed to live another day'�

How best to go on? I remember wondering that a lot. Do I go on? The choice is always mine'�I put those thoughts away in my safe place to ponder at another time.

My Mu Mu in place I am led to the sofas to sit while my room is torn up. 'I deserve this'�This is my punishment. This is mine alone to experience'�

I finally look up at those women sitting around me. I cannot meet anyone's eyes. Some women are quiet, like me, struggling to hold on to see another day. Some women slip back into the 'I don't give a shit'� attitude of indifference and feigned courage.

'What just happened?'� The girl next to me shows the girl next to her the color of her new nail polish. They oooo and ahhhh'�someone asks 'What's for breakfast tomorrow'�? Questions about how long the motherfucker guards are gonna take in the room. I hear all of this from a great distance'�

As I walk into my cell and see my bed, my violation is complete. Clothes thrown here and there, walked on. Dirty boot prints on my white prison shirts'�There are things missing I know'�I can't remember what I had before'�pictures gone forever'�Maybe they weren't so important after all'�or maybe knowing what was gone forever would have taken my breath for the last time'�

I will live to see another day. And another, and another'�

Sometimes all I really have is the hope that there will be moments in my life when anything is better than what I have now'�I do hope for those things.

Want to comment on this Blogs? Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Blogs and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...