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Comment by: Min - 2006-07-17 12:15
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| I liked the way you told this. How lucky you to have a mother who's still alive. I have a friend who swore he couldn't lift his arms more than shoulder high when he was fifty....he hasn't aged well. |
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Comment by: jkaber - 2006-07-17 05:53
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I have a birthday coming up. I'll be 58. I know all about the age you speak of in this poem. Loved these lines:
they didn't know whether
to help or hold
how strange to touch a father
who is suddenly old
The rhyming worked, seemed to keep a lightness to the piece.
I was a bit confused by this part:
running as though I still could
when they were young
Should this be "running as I still could/ when they were young"?
Happy birthday (belatedly). |
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Comment by: - 2006-07-14 13:10
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| Time can either pass with the speed of light or slow to just a photograhic moment. Enjoyed. |
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This is a very rich piece and i enjoyed it. thw rod choices are vivid and there is an instant feeling of nostalgia almost from reading the verses. There is a wonderful atmosphere over all. The rhythm and structure of the stanzas work together beautifully.
my only suggestion;
"and then was born
(and) there's my host my vessel" -- the 2nd 'and' slowed the rhyme down a bit on that stanza. not a big deal :)
great write, thanks for the read |
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Comment by: PANDORA - 2006-07-14 12:07
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| "mortality is a ship we are sailing on"--great line. I like how you describe how with each generation we pass on to our children the past of the ones that came before us. You also did so in an uplifiting manner. Well written.** |
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