-To give this a context, the internet completely fucked-up tonight in this shit little college town. This is an email I sent to my two good friends about what I thought would happen. Enjoy.-

Austin and Jacques,

With the internet gone for who knows how long, people will begin to rape and pillage in the streets like mongoloids. The sexual frustration will become so unbearable, so undeniable, that Shinn* himself will lead public orgies on the Square, and Virgins will be sacrificed to some God long passed.
People will raid farm supplies, steal fertilizer, and build bombs to turn against bad policies, services, and people. Financial Aid will be in ruins, and those who survive will live, but they will be terrorized daily and threatened with hungry buzzards.
People like Deke Barron** will be put in the swimming pool with piranhas, and their bones will be used to build phallic monuments, a testament to eternal dickheads and straight-shooters. The Mayor's Wife will ride in a convertible through the middle of town, and beg for peace. We'll throw uncooked hamburger meat at her and feed her to the maggots.

Best of all, mid-level managers will be lashed to trees and burned like the heretics of old. Maybe we could tie them to two or three broomcraft brooms** (but only to conserve nature, of course)'¦yes, that would be splendid irony. The blood would run full-out until morning, and we could mix it with alcohol, and feed it to the police.

Here's to the internet!

Alright,
Ben Atherton

*Dr. Larry Shinn, Conservative President of Berea College in Berea, KY.

**Deke Barron heads a Judicial Board at Berea College, and is a typical by-the-book overachiever...a student prosecuting students, if you will...

***One of the labor positions in Berea's labor program is making brooms in a building called "Broomcraft."

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