'It's for you.' Dot mumbled as she gave me the phone and fell back into her pillow
'Is that you guv?'
'This had better be good, Lenny.' I yawned
'You'd better come down guv, there's been an incident.'
'Like what?'
'This police inspector says he wants you down here, pronto.'
I caught Dot's head with my knee as I scrambled over her
'Clumsy Bastard!' she muttered, in her sleep
They'd blocked Chapel Bar off, I pulled up and one of the cops came over.
'Can I help you, sir?' he asked
I told him who I was and he let me through.
'Watch out for the recovery trucks, sir' he called after me.
I could tell something wasn't right in The Old Market Square, amongst a riot of flashing lights, there were cop cars, fire engines, trucks and even a couple of mobile cranes. The noise was unbelievable, people yelling, some of the cop cars were still sounding their sirens and the trucks were whizzing back and forth in front of the Council House, with piles of scaffolding. That was it. It suddenly came to me. That was what wasn't right. The Council House wasn't there. Just a big empty space where it had stood for more than eighty years.
I stopped the car and ran over to where Lenny stood with his hands deep in his pockets, puffing on his pipe and looking down into a huge black crater.
'What happened?' I gasped
'Search me, guv. It was here last night.'
'Just tell me what happened, Lenny. It's too early in the morning for your funny stuff.'
'Apparently it just went' he replied
'Did any body see it go?' I heard myself asking but at the same time thinking It's all a dream ' it must be ' I'll wake up in a minute
'The beat cop rang the nick ' said it disappeared before his eyes ' they rang me and I said that just because Blunket legalised pot it doesn't mean that they've got to smoke it on duty.'
'It's not funny Lenny,' I said 'we've worked hard to get this job'
'Don't worry, guv - you get the odd loss in any set up, Group Four have lost more men than Rommel did in the desert and they're still in business.'
'Yes but a whole bloody building! - a couple of chairs here and there or even the odd computer or three, but the whole damned shooting match! - No, we'll be the laughing stock of the security industry.'
A police inspector came over swinging his stick
'It all seems to be going well ' we'll have it all ship shape by daybreak.' he said confidently
'Are you going to rebuild it then, inspector?' Lenny asked him.
The inspector laughed
'Hey! that's a good point son. We could have a vote on it Do you want your Council House back or shall we build a car park there, instead? After all this tram versus bus aggro I reckon the car park would win hands down.'
'This gentleman has got something there, guv,' Lenny smiled 'The Council isn't very popular, is it?'
'Those banks in America weren't very popular either, were they?' I reminded him 'Especially with those who owed 'em money ' but look what's happened to Bin Laden, after he flattened them'
'We haven't done anything like that' Lenny said indignantly
'No but we were supposed keeping watch, remember our motto Safe as houses ' the bastards will have fun with that'
'He's right Leonard,' the inspector said gazing down into the hole 'it doesn't look good, does it?'
Just then Lenny's mobile went off.
'It's Albert, guv, he wants to know where Ron's got too.'
Albert! Albert! Why hadn't we thought of Albert. Albert, sitting down in the cellar watching the CCTV
'Give it here.' I said snatching the phone
'Albert, where are you?'
'Who's that?'
'Gordon Simms - Where are you Albert'
'Sorry, sir, I didn't recognise your voice. It's just that my relief hasn't turned up yet and'¦'
'Albert where are you?'
'At my desk, sir, as usual ' seven nights a week, sir - reporting everything in order ' what's happened to Ron?'
'Listen carefully Albert ' I want you to go up to the front door.'
'Up to the front door, sir?'
'Yes, Albert ' then open it carefully and look out -then come back and tell me what you can see.'
'Ron never comes in that way, sir'
'Never mind Ron ' just do as I say.'
'He should be here by now ' I told Dot I wouldn't be late.'
'Forget Dot ' just go up to the front door, will you.'
'Alright, but I promised to run her up to the hospital ' she's been very good about me always being on nights and'¦.'
'Albert!'
'I'm going.'
Lenny lit his pipe again and the inspector shuffled his feet.
'We'll soon know something now' I told them.
It seemed an eternity - then.
'Hello, sir, It's Albert.' came the voice through the phone.
'I opened the door, sir'
'And what did you see?'
'One of those Arab looking chaps with a hat on and a black beard, looked like a park keeper or something, sir'
'What did he say?'
'Could we turn the clock's donger off, it's interfering with other people's peace and tranquillity. There's still no sign of Ron, sir'
'Bugger Ron! What about this bloke at the front door?'
'Said he hoped we'd cooperate about the clock'
'What did you tell him?'
'I told him to get knotted, sir ' he said he was going to bring his men back and sort me out'
'Albert, whatever you do, don't open that door again!' I yelled
'No sir, I won't, unless it's Ron'
The inspector went off to supervise the last bits of fencing round the crater.
Lenny knocked his pipe out on one of the posts. Then he stepped back, looked at the huge space where the Council House should have been, shook his head and uttered the immortal words.
'When it gets light, somebody will notice'
I turned to go
'Where are you off to, guv?' he asked
'To take Dot up to the hospital' I replied

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