 |
 |
 |
| |
Drowning
The giant frame of a man
Lies, his bones like an army of white
Men that hide, shivering behind ancient flesh.
His strength now comes from within,
And, selfishly, I cling to him like a suckling.
He opens his mouth and I bend down
To listen.
And I listen
To black sounds that seem to bore
In to me.
His tone drifts finally into darkening shores
And I lay my cheek on his sandy stubble;
The familiar bristling warmth
Seems to drain the time we have left.
Finally, I close my grey eyes.
As I arise, I open my eyes,
And his grey eyes look past me.
But he stares at me forever
And I know that I am dead,
For I shall never look back
Without seeing grey turn into black.
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
A very good piece, Richard. I like the imagery of 'his bones like an army of white/Men that hide' and 'lay my cheek on his sandy stubble'
I would simplify part of the first stanza a tad. Some ideas:
his bones, an army of white
Men that hide, shivering behind ancient flesh.
His strength now comes from within;
selfishly, I cling to him like a suckling. |
|
|
| Is this for your father? That would be my assumption. What a nice tribute and I like the grey-eye connection. I almost missed it but that is what makes it so clear for me. |
 |
Comment by: Mrsg - 2007-03-02 19:11
|
|
| I enjoyed this poem. I read it over three times to make sure I grasped what you were trying to impart. It is indeed a thought provoking read. |
|
|
| This was written so realistically, so clearly, that it was almost frightening. Some haunting lines, and some graphic and brilliant imagery. Thanks for a cool read. |
 |
Comment by: Juan2 - 2006-10-09 11:53
|
|
I like this poem. It's a clear picture of a death experience. The first stanza is gripping, really pushed me to read on.
Second stanza was good, but jarring at the repetition of "And I listen." The poem seems to echo with repetitions, used mostly to a powerful effect, but this line feels like it is just filling in space and there is no real strength behind it since we already know the voice of the poem is bending down to listen. I think there are a multitude of images you could use to better effect for that line.
3rd stanza has a good "shore" and "sandy" connection, very visual. I don't know if you need to write "seems to" in the 3rd line of this stanza - a lot of times words like that can just be eliminated altogether and provide a stronger image, this might be such a case.
The final stanza is concrete, we know exactly whats happening. I like that its six lines as it seems to anchor the poem down, give it that sinking, heavy feeling - like it's, ahem, drowning.
Happy Writings. |
| 1 2 Next |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
