She kills off a hangover by drinking in the wake of the morning. A morning walk with her sleeping baby in the push pram, would be to the earliest conveniently open Bottle Store. She does as she pleases ' smoke, drink, sex for money and dancing topless in bars. She once scribbled these words on the back of a till slip: 'Take each day and night at a time, Fuck the world, enjoy the crime, Kill those who come in your way, Have no mercy on those who die'� With her around, things always got out of hand.

Tinkerbelle with her pixie dust luring Peter Pan to the magical realm of Never Never Land, his perceptions of reality completely distorted. Tossing him a flirtatious glance, her face illumined with mischief; her body teased him until he reached out and grabbed her. They firmly clung to each other, locked in a mesmerizing dance.

Alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you're loud, steadfast when you're not, it slows down reflexes and confuses the mind. Taken in by his own distorted thinking, the thrill of firm flesh and wild sex, blinding him to the sobering truth.

Learning about his betrayal, I still did not consider it the final blow to a stone dead marriage on the brink of divorce. Although I threatened to leave every time, I stayed because he asked me to, and because I wanted to forgive him. Starting to see a pattern and preferring to judge things correctly, I tried to understand his 'illness' and justify his behavior.

He is an alcoholic, shame and guilt is part of his make-up, I won't chase his demons away, by adding to his misery. When he does what he does best, to fuel the fire of fear, I'll face my own demons and insecurities, scared of loosing him, and a future unsure. He is an intelligent man, yet foolish, and she's beautiful, trading on her beauty only. Could I spat on him for being a man? Could I lie, say that she's nothing? She is barely seventeen, a pale beauty, always in pursuit of hot sex. Self involved, she'll do anything for attention, cheap and easy, she has never played hard to get.

Unaware of the consequences, we 'tried again'. The honeymoon was sweet'�'�and brief.

Weeks later she handed me a note: 'There must be a reason why everything is happening so fast, I'm aware of all, but I'm really not. Unreal, it is all above my mind. Sometimes I don't understand why my life is so out of control, when I'm trying so hard to control life. Maybe I should just stop lying to myself. I'm not sure what is going to happen next, but what can be worse? I'm aware of what is waiting for me, but is it a good thing? I think maybe I dug a hole for myself.'�

In short, she is sorry'� and pregnant. She can't be sure but she thinks it happened the second time they did it. My heart disintegrated.

Apparently after their first coupling in the Club toilet, in an entirely predictable way she easily parted her skinny legs. Unashamed of how they had wronged me, her words poured out like water, cut like a thousand sharp knifes. She held nothing back of all they had done with the bedroom light on, naked in my bed.

The visions tortured my mind, not seeing anything else, I fled into the night. Without thought, at the boundary of light and darkness I had committed the very same sin, I was as guilty and unabashed as he was. This time, I did not tell him, I kept my secret silent, like he did.

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