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Waiting
I'm Waiting here...
Waiting for you...
Even though I know you wont come...
I've given everthing just to be
With you but you pushed me
Away...
You said you loved me,
But I guess that didn't last.
I said I'd be with you forever,
But I gave it all up for you...
Now I stand here waiting...
Waiting for you...
Even though I know you wont come...
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...waiting for you
To come. |
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Comment by: - 2007-04-27 01:27
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I like the up-front emotion and the sense of sureity the narrator [you] has.
Can I make a suggestion? [Read on, only if your answer to that question is YES].
You seem to just be re-hasing your feeling with words. Poetry is a craft and these feelings - I'm assuming that you've personally felt - deserved to be worked into something brilliant.
Rather tahn just telling us 'that you've given everything' show us. What does giving everything mean in your world? Use similies. Imagery. Can you sum that feeling up in a word.
Don't just say 'YOU won't come' explain to the reader, why or how you know this? Show us what waiting feels like. Show us why it makes you feel the way it does.
I like the repettion. I like the short, free-form stanzas. But there is much more you could do if you take time to craft it into something.
Try reading the poems of Anne Sexton for further inspiration. |
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Comment by: water - 2007-01-22 04:10
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Hi
I like your poem, can I make a few suggestions...
I'm waiting here
Waiting for YOU!
I know it's insane
For YOU won't come...
I've given all I am
Just to be with YOU!
But still YOU
Push me away...
YOU said YOU love me
But, it didn't last long!
I said, I would wait
I gave up everything...
I stand here waiting
Waiting for YOU!
Even though I know
YOU will not come...
Just a suggestion! But it does have feeling and I think anger too.
Write on!! |
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Comment by: naruto - 2006-08-09 02:34
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| wow i like it soooo whos the person your waiting for lol ^^ |
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| I think I like the other one even more, but this is great! It's riveting, and I can really imagine this! keep it up! <3 Nika. |
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