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Found
this morning
one lone bird stood
like a bent piece of bark
unmoving in the middle
of my driveway
I went up to it, spoke,
addressed it formally,
asking after it's health
it didn't move or even blink
so I bent and cupped it in
my two hands and lifted it up
it didn't even try to fly away
only opened it's beak
to show me
the brightest yellow
word for need
I'd ever seen
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Comment by: jkaber - 2006-09-12 03:46
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| Thanks, D. I know I have the habit of getting a bit too "poetic" at times & of ruining good poems by telling the reader what they mean at the end. Guess I'll have to go back and revise. Of course I loved the ending too much, which is maybe a dead give away for me that it needs work. |
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I guess you count on me for the the voice of dissent. these lines bugged me:
the brightest yellow
word for need
Iā??d ever seen
Until then you had me with the rhythm and the mood and the directness, then those lines took me out of it. I see it is just me, but I know that you like people telling you honestly what they felt when they read your work. There was something almost too 'written' about that. And I almost never care what something 'means' in a poem, since a poem is not an essay, but on those lines i was stopped, taken out of the poem and said "what does that mean?"
not a 'bad' thing, i know. |
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Comment by: - 2006-09-02 19:49
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I like the respect for all life you show here. You treat it politely as we should all treat each other. The last three lines are beautiful because of the wonderful emotion you bring out with so few words. I enjoyed this very much.
Enrique |
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Comment by: mitra - 2006-09-02 06:41
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| Very interesting write.. "unmoving" "like a bent piece of bark" hmm.. quite a picture. |
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| Nice piece, though I initially got the size of the bird wrong (I've been fixated on cranes recently) |
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