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thesuicidekid
Ryun Horn
United States, Florida, Fort Myers

Words: 232
Access: Public
Comments: 4

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this is a poem about Tony emptying Ed's gun.

it was this apartment
in Gulf Stream Isles
in Fort Myers, Florida
and it was my first apartment
and Ed was my roommate
and I quietly looked up to Ed
though I never would have admitted it to Ed
at the time
(Ed's dead now
so I'm easy
to admit).

and Ed
kept a loaded shotgun
in our living room.
I didn't mind
much.

so one day
so so so and
my friend Jon
from the work
came over for a stop-by
along with his friend
Tony.

and, "what's this?"
Tony picked up the shotgun
and pointed it
at the window.
birds outside thought about winter
but they were already there
and Ed and I had been in winter
since our stories began.
"this fucking thing is
LOADED!" Tony said.
he proceeded
to unload the tool.

shortly after,
not wanting to watch
James And The Giant Peach with me,
Jon and Tony left.

Ed came out
or in,
which I can't remember.
he picked up the thing.
"who the fuck unloaded my gun?"
he wanted to know.

it was no use
to try and explain things,
it never was.
Ed had had the gun loaded.
I had known it was loaded
and I didn't care.
Ed and I
both wanted to die.
he reloaded the shotgun
and together
we waited.

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Comments  
Comment by: - 2007-10-07 10:01
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I would have watched James and the Giant Peach with you....XO
rosysophia Comment by: rosysophia - 2006-09-24 12:27
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Sad. Really makes you think. Well-written. Good job.
nonalienabductee Comment by: nonalienabductee Online- 2006-08-18 13:15
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Very unique and unusual, which is a blessing in itself, but also very sharply written. I love stories in poems like this, and there are dozens lurking within this one. Nothing that I expected to happen did. I agree that the winter lines were a little odd, and that the (easy to admit) could use a slight change in order to make it more understandable, but a really good poem.
AJSmith Comment by: AJSmith - 2006-08-18 06:00
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This came across as original and interesting, and had a weird slant. There were a lot of actions going on which was the antithesis of the ending/the reason for the loaded gun. I think this worked fairly well.

I like that you will play with words and syntax, 'so so so and' comes to mind. Maybe you could be quirky like this more often.

Little things:

Ed came out
or in,
which I can't remember

can lose 'which' here

Ed's dead now
so I'm easy
to admit).

nonsensical

not sure i understand the reference to winter, but i liked the image in my head and having it exist - it was different. Overall, i thought it was ok. I'd make it more concise and tidy up the structure, (not so many short lines) but then that's personal preference.
1

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By thesuicidekid

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