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Return
There was no hope
of going on,
No joy in living.
So passed the days, until
Spring carried the fragrance
of your breath,
hidden in its blooms.
But, something is amiss!
My heart doesn't flutter
at your knock.
Can it be, I have no need
of you?
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Comment by: Jamilah - 2007-05-26 07:52
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| I especially like your second stanza. The awakening from the trance of love's spell. Nicely stated. |
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| Yes, this great. The message, the realization, is painful and clear, but the tone of the piece is kind of subtle and actually quite pretty...especially the 2nd stanza, love those words. Very good, short and powerful. Awesome. |
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Comment by: Min - 2007-05-24 08:18
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| 'I have no need of you'...perhaps. Apologies for not reading this little gem sooner. |
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Lovely, lovely! Well said and well constructed.
My suggestion? Get rid of both "somehows," and get rid of "to my door" as well. "To my door" sounds like a filler. The poem doesn't need it. Neither of the "somehows" adds to the piece. In fact each detracts. |
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It is when we can't move on from someone that we know that we've found the right one. *winks* I agree, get rid of the first "somehow." It weakens both the structure and rhythm. Great piece. Thanks for sharing,
Yvy |
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