**This may be religiously sensitive. So, if you are deeply religious, stay away from this and go read some feelgood poems or something like that. Stay away! I warned you!**



His army had grown yet again.



Even a decade ago, Lucifer's army had already been more than large enough to conquer Earth. We had our own army, and 100,000 elite archangels, but our force was still far too small. Our soldiers, powerful and valiant as they may be, were low in number and slow to train. It was too late by the time we learnt of his plans.

The Watchers had never been able to see into the deeper pits of hell. Not until, that is, Lucifer opened a portal thorough which he could observe Earth for unknown reasons. Then we were able to intercept the signal and look straight into Hell. What the Watchers observed struck fear into the hearts of every soul in Heaven.

The army numbered in the billions, consisting of every manner of foul creature from Pit Daemons to Starved Ghouls. A single Pit Daemon alone would be more than sufficient to wipe out entire continents merely with its fiery entry. If the invasion were to be anytime soon, or even in years to come, there would be no way Earth could be saved.


The End of the World was all ready to go on a test run.

And that test run may well have been all they needed.





'I tell you, Snik, he's gayer than a telephone pole.'

'Shuddup, Jikky, he'll hear you! And how the hicky is a telephone pole gay?'

'Bah, they just are. Damned things. They always freaked me out... Anyway, God's the only one who sees everything. This guy could barely hear his own mother's yapping.'

'Shut up! He's looking this way! Crap, I told you to shut up!'

'Shh' Don't worry, Snik. Look at him; he's just looking into that crystal ball, as usual. I tell you, that's how you stop these guys - throw them something shiny, and they're mesmerized. He's like a big, horned, red-assed, spike-tailed bug that saw a big bright light.'


The imps went about their daily work and started whistling, trying to act innocent when a Defiler lumbered past. They were annoyed. Shoveling dung was not one of the tasks listed in their contracts when they sold their souls to Lucifer, back in the days when they were petty merchants in the living world.

Jikky stabbed the dung with his shovel. A terrible scream tore out from the messy crap, and Jikky yanked his shovel out. It was stuck halfway through a poor soul's forehead. In disgust, he scraped the soul off on a nearby rock and resumed his work.


'Damned soul ' They're getting really desperate, aren't they? They're even hiding in the dung now. Look at them. Good thing we gave up trying to escape a long time ago.'

'Sigh' Pathetic things ' They still hold on to hope.'

'Hope, shmope. Where in blazes do they think they are? There's no hope here.'



Anne Donnelley sat in her old wooden rocking chair, in the middle of her cottage's living room. At her side, a hot cup of Earl Grey tea sat on the table, next to a plate of ginger cookies, each topped with a dollop of jam.

She was just a year shy of hitting ninety. Her whole house was filled with woolen sweaters, all hand-knitted. She knitted a new little sweater everyday. There was little else for her to do these days. Besides, she liked giving the sweaters to her great-grandchildren every Christmas. Back a couple years ago, at least. Now they were all big boys and girls and they preferred Nike jumpers. But it was still a nice way to spend her time.

Anne completed the day's sweater and folded it neatly before putting it in a cupboard she had bought just for the sweaters. She smiled. She had made so many sweaters now, yet every one gave her the same pleasant feeling of achievement.



'Oh-My-GAWD, that is just GORGEOUS!!!'

Lucifer leapt up in joy and clapped his hands rapidly with glee. He got up from the crystal ball and called for his tailors.

'Rek! Gite! Lupi! Come here! See that sweater? I want it made, NOW!!! Have it finished by 3 o'clock, or you'll ALL go into the pit, like the last few tailors!'

The imps ran up to Lucifer's throne, quickly, but cautiously. They took a good look at the sweater's design through the crystal ball, trying all they could to get the image burned into their tiny brains, and then quickly scampered off into their respective holes to make the sweater. They knew better than to keep Lucifer waiting.

Everyday, Lucifer spied on the old lady while she knitted her little sweaters. He was absolutely in love with them, whether they were made for her great-grandson or great-granddaughter. He had an entire collection of exact copies in his room, all kept inside an exact replica of the very cupboard Anne used.


'Bloody ballsniffer. I HATE making these pansy-ass sweaters!'

'Well Rek, *technically*, he isn't a ballsniffer because he'd never do it - sniff balls, I mean. He hates those things. Angels weren't made with genitals, so he always found balls kinda gross.'

'And' What does that have to do with the Boss?'

'Well, Big Red used to be an angel remember? Duh? He's a fallen angel. The Morning Star.'

'Oh yeah' Ah, screw it; I still think he's a bloody ballsniffer. If not for these damned sweaters, he'd have invaded Earth by now, and we'd be having a hella good time! Think about it, Lupi' REAL toilets!!! No more digging holes in the dung pits! He just wants to have a full collection of this old lady's sweater designs before he goes in. He's probably gonna wait for every design she makes till she dies. He says he wants to invade Earth looking pretty.'


The imps yelped when a Defiler tore through their little door and reached into their hole. Rek and Lupi skittered right to the very end of their hole, but the Defiler's arm was just as long as the hole was deep. The enormous, gangly, very toothy creature grabbed both imps by their necks, and dragged them out of the hole.


'Bitchin' 'bout the Boss now, are we? Well, shiver me timbers, you're in for a treat, little scallywags! Arrgh...!'


Defilers were nasty, nasty creatures. Back on the living world, they had mostly been various forms of hardened criminals, before they either died or sold their souls for gambling money. In Hell, they had been warped into horrifying monsters, each well over ten feet tall with enormous, gaping mouths, well-equipped with hundreds of sharp little teeth. This one in particular, had been a pirate. He even wore an eye patch.

Rek yelled a string of hellish obscenities far too vulgar for the human mind to conceive. He reached out with his tiny arms and attempted to poke out the Defiler's remaining eye with his knitting needles. He could not reach, so he took aim and threw one needle as hard as he could. The needle hit the Defiler right in its eye patch. There was no eye left in there, but it still hurt.

The Defiler roared in pain and dropped both imps. Lupi screamed and stabbed his own knitting needles right through both the Defiler's feet. The Defiler roared again, and swung wildly at the two imps.

Quickly, the imps ran off, diving into the nearby dung piles, where Snik and Jikky were.

'Oi, what in blazes??'

Rek grabbed Jikky by the neck and stuck his remaining knitting needle in Jikky's nose.

'Shuddup or I'll give you a third nostril.'

'Yessir. Erm... No problem.'


Admittedly, it was quite surprising that the End of the World had been delayed because Lucifer wanted some sweaters. The Watchers had discovered this information from two imps named Rek and Lupi, whom they discovered while scanning the Earth-Hell portals.

We caught the imps when they attempted to escape. They had jumped through the crystal ball, but we captured them before they could reach Earth. One of the Watchers nearly lost his big toe to the vicious little imps and their peculiar weapon of choice, a single knitting needle that they constantly fought over. A few angels also nearly lost their sanity, overwhelmed by the imps' blood-curdling profanities.

When we had finally restrained the imps and learned of the reason why Lucifer had not yet invaded Earth, we immediately set to work. We decided that the simplest way to delay his invasion was to inform Madam Anne Donnelly that she must never stop knitting, while we busied ourselves growing our army and seeking allies.

We sent an angel down to Earth to Madam Donnelly's cottage house to inform her of our urgent plans and of her crucial role in preventing the demise of the World as she knew it.

Of course, everything would have gone to plan if the angel we sent had not scared her into getting a heart attack, even before she heard the message he had to deliver. The death of Madam Donnelly led to Lucifer becoming extremely enraged, for he was now unable to complete his Summer Season wear collection. He immediately sent his army into Earth, destroyed everything, and at the end of it all, claimed ownership of both Earth and Hell.


Ah well.


You win some, you lose some.

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