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My Friends Talking
Noise comes
Like an aftertaste,
A memory from
Few seconds gone.
Lightning flashing,
A retinal burn,
What was that
image?
Sleeping soundly,
Camping in woods
Embracing me like
Primal lovers,
A memory from
Distant dreams
When I belonged.
We are too quick
Trapped in our
Cage of conscious time,
Our arrogant actions
Which will not comprehend
A tree.
So we forget,
We disconnect...
In digital haste
We run our eyes
Frantic on
Electric wastes.
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Interesting. The first two stanzas caught my attention. Very strong and it pulled together. I felt the ending lines were good. The last line was subtle and yet vivid. Great combination of feelings there.
"In digital haste
We run our eyes
Frantic on
Electric wastes"
A little work on the last stanza and this would be not just a good write, but an excellent one! Glad I came for a visit! Enjoyed your work. |
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Comment by: - 2007-04-27 01:38
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Good job. Nice unique imagery. Consistent narrative. Only problem is with the last stanza, descends a little into cliche. You do a good job of showing and not merely telling in the two stanzas but the third
'If you could be
A tree with me
Peace would last
Longer. [WHY would peace last longer? This idea is unclear to me].
Drink deep from
Mother earth
She feeds our soul
[THESE three lines feel a little well-worn.
MOTHER EARTH? Cliche? Real meaning? Alternative title?
Especailly in a poem that has opened so originally.
HOW are your souls fed?]
But we forget
We disconnect.
[DISCONNECT? FORGET? Are there synonyms for these words that
are more emotionally fitting?]
---------In digital haste
We run our eyes
Frantic on
Electric wastes.-----------But I still really like the last part. |
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| Kudos, stranger. |
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Comment by: - 2007-02-14 10:44
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this is a realy great job bro, im glad i found your space here!
and please, keep em' coming! |
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Comment by: fredav - 2007-01-20 11:52
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Daniel, this is awesome. I particularly loved the last stanza. Your word choice and combination worked so well here. Plus, the last lines reflect reality as it is today. Well written piece. Love it. =)
Freda |
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