INT. APARTMENT - DAY

QUENTIN P. PARKER sits at his desk processing an order that has come in. Quentin is a thin, pale man who looks about as healthy as a heroin addict several years into their addiction. He's thirty-two but with the appearance that he is much older. He wears a white T-shirt that's more yellow than white now and stained grey sweat pants.
Topping off everything are a pair of white Converse All-stars which of course are more brown than white.

After putting David in a box he crouches down at the door and peers through the mail slot. After looking around for a moment to make sure the coast is clear he opens the door and quickly leaves it for the mailman. At the same time he grabs the newspaper

CUT TO:
INT. QUENTIN'S KITCHEN

Sitting now at the small kitchen table we notice things aren't that different in the kitchen than in the living room. Piles of used paper plates are stacked on the kitchen counter, used coffee filters gather next to a coffee machine that has been making coffee since Jimmy Carter was president. And empty boxes of TV dinners collect in the corner.

Quentin begins to comb through the newspaper for jobs. As he does this he becomes very agitated. He sweats so much that within a few moments his shirt is soaked, which explains why its yellow. He FARTS. But its not a loud proud fart but rather a weak whinny fart. He wipes the sweat from his brow and rubs his eye with the palm of his hand.

DISSOLVE TO:

INSERT: BLACK AND WHITE - DAYDREAM

Quentin sits in a windowless room with florescent lights. At a desk sits a annoyed looking MAN in uniform black suit, black tie and thick black rimmed glasses. His hands are clasped together resting on the desk.
MAN
(Forcefully)
What makes you think your qualified for the position of head butcher?

QUENTIN
Well-
MAN
Have you ever cut off the head of a monkey before?

QUENTIN
No but-

MAN
Do you know which of these goes best with teriyaki sauce?
He picks up two cards. One with a picture of a hippo the other with a picture of a lion.

QUENTIN
(guessing)
Uhhhh, the hippo....?

MAN
Wrong! Lions go best with teriyaki sauce. Which brings us back to my first question. What makes you think your qualified to be head butcher?

Quentin stares at him not saying anything.

MAN
Well? What's your answer?
Quentin responds with the only way he can. He FARTS.

CUT TO:
INT. QUENTIN'S KITCHEN - SAME

Quentin comes out of his daze. He is noticeably shaking and he throws the newspaper aside. Rubbing his forehead he FARTS weakly. He FARTS again and heads to the bathroom.

FADE TO BLACK:
FADE UP ON INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Once in the bathroom he fumbles with a box of Beano and takes the last one. He places the empty box in the corner with about fifty other empty boxes that are next to a pile of empty tooth paste tubes, which are next to a pile of disposable razors that have rusted.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE OF THE POPE - MORNING

The POPE sits behind a large mahogany desk eating his breakfast and doing a cross word puzzle. On the wall above him there is a framed saying 'Because I'm the Pope! That's Why'�! He is an older man, as most Popes are, but with a stern uninviting appearance.
Nothing about this man's appearance makes you think of a kindly old man with a sweet demeanor. But rather an obtrusive, disgruntled man.
His hands are covered in liver spots and they shake slightly as he fills in the puzzle. He has lost most of
his hair.

Insert: Cross Word Puzzle

The pope searches his mind for a five letter word for a gun.

Suddenly without knocking a young woman of about thirty comes into the office. She is BETH the Pope's public relations women. She is tall but made even taller by her high heals. She wears a woman's navy blue suit and her hair is pulled tightly back in a bun. Her hair has the appearance that it is plastered to her head. Her wire rimmed glasses sit on the edge of her nose.

POPE
So Beth, is it no longer customary to knock before one enters the room?

BETH
No it is, but this is important. The latest polls are in and 88% of todays Catholics feel that you don't understand them. That you are disconnected to the average church goer.

POPE
So.

BETH
SO! So you're the freaking Pope. Its your job to lead these people. (BEAT) Or at least have the appearance that your leading them.
POPE
I'm leading just fine. And its not like they can impeach me. I've already got the position for life.

BETH
Well even if you are it doesn't matter if they don't feel a connection with you. People need to feel as if they could just walk up to you or rush into your office without knocking and ask you their deepest theological questions.
POPE
Well that's what eighth grade nuns are for.

BETH
It's those nuns that cause the questions to begin with. But the bigger problem is with you. You have to come off as if your every ones grandfather. You can't look like your going to be stealing Christmas all the time.

POPE
(disbelieving)
Its not that bad.

He wrinkles his forehead as an evil grin appears on his face.

BETH
No, its that bad. We need to come up with an new image for you. We have to make you appear to be the kind old priest who hands out candy to the kids and who the young marred couples come to for advice. Even if your not. Its more important that you come off as these things. We have to give you a new persona.

The Pope frowns.

POPE
Is this gonna take a long time?

BETH
Yes!

POPE
More than a hour?

BETH
Its gonna take months if not years.

POPE
That long huh.

BETH
Well you did let it get this bad.

POPE
OK I guess I'm in. Its not like your gonna drop this anyway. Your not gonna drop it right?

BETH
Nope.

POPE
Shit. What do you have in mind.

BETH
Well the first thing we have to do is get you to see a plastic surgeon. But the main brunt of Operation Popeify is for you to visit people in their homes.

POPE
(arguing)
That's ridiculous, I'm not going to peoples homes. Why not have them here.

BETH
It will seem more genuine if you go to their homes.

POPE
But it isn't genuine.

BETH
(authoritative)
I know but it has to appear to be genuine. So your going to their homes. And you have to eat diner with them.

POPE
Are you sure my image is this bad?
Like I said they can't impeach me.

BETH
Yes I'm sure. Were gonna randomly pick ten Catholics from around the world. Your gonna come to their homes, where ever it is and your gonna eat diner with them.

POPE
OK but please, for the love of God no freaks.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY

TOM and JERRY go from door to door of the complex. Both hold miniature bibles and are wearing a white dress shirt, black ties and black slacks. Their hair is short and neatly trimmed. Tom parts his down the middle while Jerry parts his at the side. They knock on apartment A-113.

Suddenly the mail slot opens and we hear our hero Quentin.

QUENTIN
Yes?

TOM
(super enthusiastic)
Hi I'm Tom and this is my close friend Jerry.

JERRY
(even more enthusiastic than Tom)
And we're from the Church of Latter Day Saints.

TOM
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?

The mail slot closes and Quentin opens the door. Tom and Jerry are little put back when they see the sloppy mess of Quentin.

JERRY
Would you allow us to come in and ask you a few questions about your faith in God.

Quentin looks behind him at his embarrassing mess.

QUENTIN
We can do it here.

TOM
OK great.

JERRY
How often do you pray.

QUENTIN
Never, it stopped working a long time ago.

TOM
Oh that's a shame. But you're in luck because we have good news for you.
JERRY
Jesus can save you if you only let him into your heart.

QUENTIN
I've tried, it hasn't worked.

TOM
Well have you tried--

QUENTIN
I'm gonna go now, I've tried a lot and it hasn't gotten me any where.

Quentin closes the door. Tom and Jerry look at each other.

JERRY
What an ass hole!

TOM
Bet you ten bucks he's a fag.

FADE TO:

INT. VACTICAN ARCHIVES - DAY
A large underground archive room lined with file cabinets is dimly lit. A haze hangs in the air. Beth is walking swiftly down an aisle and stops at a file cabinet that is by far much larger than the others.

Insert: File Cabinet which says 'Troubled Catholics'� on the front.

Beth opens the cabinet and begins quickly shuffling through it pulling out files.

Insert: File on top it says Quentin Parker, Long Island New York.

CUT TO:

INT. POPES OFFICE - DAY

The Pope and Beth sit going through files, picking the ten people.
BETH
So Miguel de Gattás makes nine, we just need one more.

She begins to search through they pile of files and pulls one out.

BETH (CONT'D)
Here's one, Quentin Parker, age thirty-two, never married, no kids, sales lawn ordainments on-line, believes God is ignoring him.

POPE
Sounds pathetic, should make a good one.

BETH
OK we've got our tenth.

INT. QUENTIN'S APARTMENT - DAY
Quentin is down on his knees peering through the mail slot. His eyes dart back and forth looking for the mailman. Suddenly he sees him leaving an apartment buttoning up his shirt. Quentin follows him with his eyes but suddenly looses track of him. Quentin can't find him anywhere.
Suddenly the mailman's legs appear in front of Quentin's door. Startled Quentin falls backwards and bumps into he wall.
He FARTS.
Leaning against the wall he waits for the mail to drop through the slot. But instead a KNOCK at the door startles Quentin further. Gingerly he opens it a crack and looks outside.

MAILMAN
Ah, you have a piece of mail that is too big for the mail slot.
QUENTIN
Oh, OK...Thanks.

Quentin quickly grabs the envelop from the mailman. It's white and the whole envelope is ornately decorated with gold trim. The seal of the Pope is on the top left corner.

Quentin quickly open the letter and begins to read.

Insert: Letter
CU. LETTER
BETH (V.O.)
Dear Mr. Parker, you have been chosen to host The Pope
In your home on the tenth day of May 2006. He will arrive at five o'clock and dinner is expected to be served at five-thirty. Please make a note that his eminence is allergic to shell fish. God Bless, Bethany Drew.

CUT TO:

INT. QUENTIN'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
Quentin sits reading the letter to himself. At the kitchen table sits another gnome. The name BILL is on its base.
QUENTIN
(To Bill)
How is it that I get chosen to play dinner host to the Pope? I'm only getting a week to prepare. This isn't fair. I haven't even been to church since I left St. Luke's after eighth grade.

Quentin pulls a bottle of beano out of his pocket and swallows more than the recommended dosage.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. ST. LUKE'S HALLWAY- FLASHBACK
A thirteen year old Quentin is being berated by a nun who is yelling and sticking a ruler in his face. His back is to the wall. Sister Claire is an old school black habit wearing nun to whom everything is a sin. Quentin is shaking and breathing hard. He farts intermediately.

SISTER CLAIRE
You must think your so clever.

QUENTIN
No sister.

FART.

SISTER CLAIRE
Don't tell me I'm wrong!

QUENTIN
Sorry Sister.

FART.

SISTER CLAIRE
Your leisure with your flatulence is grossly disrespectful to the holy trinity. Until you learn to respect yourself enough not to pass gas you will stand out in the hall and pray for your soul.

QUENTIN
Sister I can't control it.

SISTER CLAIRE
(Screaming)
You will control it.
FART.

In a blind fury Sister Claire reaches back and slaps Quentin hard across the face with her ruler.
Quentin begins to cry and slides down to the floor. Sister Claire walks back into the classroom and Quentin is left alone.
Time passes and Quentin is still out in the hallway.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. VATICAN CITY - DAY

Our first shot is the image of the Pope in the mirror. He struggles to smile. The effort is causing obvious discomfort. Beth's hands come into frame and grabs his cheeks. She stretches his face into a smile and the Pope winces.
POPE
Hey! Is this really necessary?
He rubs his cheeks.

BETH
Yes it is if you want to be remembered as a loved pope or as a crabby old man.
POPE
Well at least I'm not keeping a secret family or causing wars to distract from my own misconduct.

BETH
That won't matter. All anyone really remembers anymore are what they see on TV. Those Popes didn't have to go on TV and wave.

POPE
Those Popes got off easy. I wish I was a Pope before TV.

BETH
Well you're not.

Beth tries in vain to make the Pope's smile appear to be friendly.
BETH
This isn't working were going to do something more drastically.

POPE
(sarcastically)
Oh this should be fun.

CUT TO:

INT. FOOD STORE - DAY

Quentin comes around the corner and enters the frozen food aisle of the food store. His shopping cart is full of bottles of beano. Stopping at the frozen TV dinners he must make the decision on what to feed the pope.
He picks up two promising choices. Salisbury steak with sides of mixed vegetables and cinnamon apples (4.99) or the frozen fish and chips with sides peas and french fries (2.99). Weighing his options Quentin notices the high price of the Salisbury steak and tosses it back into the freezer.
QUENTIN
Fish 'n chips it is.

Quentin checks off dinner for Pope on his shopping list. Next on the list says drinks for the Pope. We follow Quentin through the store as he avoids making eye contact with people.

An employee with a ridiculously large smile and an enthusiasm that is unwarranted for working at a food store approaches Quentin. His name tag says MATT.

MATT
(enthusiastically)
Hi sir, how are you?

Quentin tries to avoid eye contact with the young man.
He FARTS.

Quentin turns down the drinks aisle and stops in front of the beer. Looking around he finds the cheapest beer he can locate and grabs a six pack of Milwaukee Best.

CUT TO:
INT. QUENTIN'S KITCHEN - DAY

Quentin looks at the clock on the wall. Remembers that it is broken and then looks at the clock on the microwave. It reads 4:58.
The house is exactly as it was before. Quentin hasn't found it necessary to clean up for the popes visit. Or dress up for that matter. He wears the same grimy T-shirt that he had on a week ago and a pair of navy blue sweat pants. They of course are stained.

An egg timer RINGS and Quentin reaches into the oven an pulls out the fish and chips TV diner. Suddenly a KNOCK at the door tells Quentin that the Pope is a little early.
Obviously nervous, well more so than normal, Quentin reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle of beano, gulps down a handful and opens the door. We see Quentin and the Pope together for the first time.

Quentin nervously FARTS.

Beth appears behind the Pope.

POPE
(to Beth)
Well isn't that wonderful. This will probably be worse than that Mexican family with ten kids.

QUENTIN
Oh good, you don't want to be here anymore than I want you here.

Quentin is unexpectedly hostile.

BETH
(extremely fake)
Oh no the Pope is delighted to be....

She trails off as she notices the mess. A total look of disgust is on her face.

BETH
Well, at any rate, I'm sure you've prepared a lovely meal.

QUENTIN
Are you eating too cause I didn't know you were coming. There isn't enough. But there's a Roy Rogers a few blocks down and a few blocks to the right.

BETH
Oh I'm sure I can find something around to eat that isn't fast food.

Beth leaves as quickly as she can, abandoning the Pope.

POPE
Hey where you going? It was your idea I come here.

QUENTIN
Well lets get this over with. Dinner is already made.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - SAME
The Pope sits down at the kitchen table as Quentin clears it off. A gnome name 'Kevin'� sits starring at the Pope. Quentin places the TV diner in front of the Pope and sits down with his own and hands the Pope a beer.
POPE
I'm not eating this.
QUENTIN
Sorry the beers warm I forgot to put it in the fridge before you came.

The Pope pushes the beer away and picks up a fish stick.

POPE
Do you really expect me to eat this?

QUENTIN
I'll eat it if you want.

POPE
Here.

He slides the paper plate over to Quentin. Then suddenly remembering something he pulls out several index cards from a pocket.

POPE
Almost forgot about these. Beth came up with some questions that I'm supposed to ask.

Quentin finishes his fish sticks and moves on to the Popes.
QUENTIN
How many are there?

POPE
Five.

QUENTIN
OK I'll do them.

POPE
OK. First one.

POPE
What do you feel could improve the church today for the common catholic?

QUENTIN
I'm...well maybe if you did away with nuns?

The Pope gives him an odd look.

QUENTIN
To be honest I haven't been to church since I was
fourteen?

POPE
Well then next question, you can keep these brief if you want. When you go to church..... Well actually these all were written for people who do go to church. So I guess they don't apply to you.

The Pope begins to LAUGH a little

POPE
I guess I can go. (BEAT) Unless you have any questions?

Quentin stairs at the table. Not saying anything but struggling to.
QUENTIN
Why does it feel--

The Pope is surprised by Quentin's question and becomes a little defensive.

POPE
Oh I'm sorry I wasn't serious.

Quentin ignores him and continues his question.

QUENTIN
Why does it feel like God is ignoring me.

POPE
God isn't ignoring you (BEAT) He just doesn't like you.

Quentin slumps in his seat. And has the look of utter defeat on his face.
The Pope gives in to what he had been trying to avoid.

POPE
Well I think you already know that answer?

QUENTIN
Do I?

POPE
You said it yourself, 'I haven't been to church since I was fourteen years old.'� What are you like 42.

QUENTIN
Thirty-two.

POPE
Well my point is you get back what you put in.

QUENTIN
Well I was going to church for years and it felt like I was an unwanted step child. I saw my class mates all so happy. Getting want they want. I, on the other hand, I develop a handicap as worse as any physical one. I get so nervous that I am unable to live a normal life. My life has been one miserable experience after another since I was twelve. It takes me an hour to build up the courage to leave my apartment

POPE
Do you think that's God's fault?

QUENTIN
Well if he's the one in control of everything....

POPE
What about free will?

QUENTIN
I never chose to be a nervous wreck all the time, it wasn't my will.
POPE
You can't go through life blaming God for your anxiety. He's not sitting up on a mountain somewhere concocting ways to make you miserable. God wants you to be happy, he wants you to love and be loved.

Quentin begins to list all the ways he life is miserable, counting them off on his fingers as he goes. He speaks extremely dejected.
QUENTIN
Well I haven't had a date since I was sixteen, I've never kissed a girl, my only friends are plastered lawn gnomes.

He gestures to 'KEVIN'�

QUENTIN (cont'd)
Nobody will give me a real job, I can't get rid of anything...I have shit all over this apartment, it makes me physically ill to throw things away. Oh, yeah, and the greatest thing that comes along with being a nervous wreck is the uncontrollable farting. People really want to hang out with a nervous, sweating, farting mess. I just want something that will make my life less of a disaster.

Quentin is on the verge of tears, he searches the Pope for anything that will tell him that it will be better.

POPE
Well the first thing you have to do is put your faith in God. He has a plan--

QUENTIN
Doesn't really seem like it.

POPE
He does. Secondly attend church regularly, you'll be surprised how big a difference that actually makes if you go into it with a positive attitude. But most important of all is just putting your faith in God. It has never let me down in the long run.

Beth can be seen poking her head through the door.

BETH
I'm sorry to interrupt but if we don't leave now the Pope will miss his flight to Antarctica.

POPE
Well it looks like I have to go. But if you honestly take my advice things will get better for you I promise.

Quentin sits with some hope in is eyes.

As he is standing up the Pope pops a fish stick into his mouth and swallows.

CUT TO:
We see the pile of TV diner boxes. The one on top is Fish and Chips and in the bottom right corner a warning.
INSERT: Warning Contains Shell Fish

BACK TO:

SAME
Quentin stands up to see the Pope out. For the first time the Pope has a slight smile on his face that isn't being forced upon him by Beth.

BETH
How'd it go?

POPE
Surprisingly well.
Quentin sits back down at his table. He looks at 'Kevin'�.

QUENTIN
(to Kevin)
Will you go to church with me?

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN.

INT. ST. LUKE'S- DAY
A slightly healthier looking Quentin is sitting in the back row of the church. He smiles for the first time but only slightly and its a struggle. 'Kevin'� is next to him in the pew. An attractive women walking by waves to him as she passes. Quentin is only able to get his hand up half way to give a weak wave.

ANCHOR WOMEN (V.O.)
Well the Pope arrived back today from his world tour. You may remember last month when a food allergy hospitalized him and though it was reported that he was close to death then, he is as healthy as ever now. It's being reported that after that hospitalization the tour went better than ever and were seeing a part of the Pope that we have never seen before. Maybe it was that near death experience that turned him around.


FADE OUT.

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