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She Hurts
I hurt
I fail
When words
Won't work
The heart
Alone
Remains
My heart
It burns
To stop
To kill
The pain
She feels
Inside
I dream
I cry
I pray
I'd die
To take
Away
The pain
Yet then
I know
That's not
My place
My Lord
Did take
That pain
I yield
To Him
I seek
I pray
I cry
A tear
Not pain
God, do only what you can do. Please, I beg of you, do only what you can do...
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Comment by: sudipal - 2007-02-21 06:55
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| oh, I just realized changing she would mess up the title. (Although you can always change the title, too) |
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Comment by: sudipal - 2007-02-21 06:52
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I'll liked it, especially the first stanza. I would change a few things though:
she in the 2 stanza threw me off for a second, I would make it it
in stanza 4, I'd change take to make
and that line at the end doesn't really fit, I feel like it cheapens the meaning of everything before it. It's unnecessary. |
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| This is really beautiful. I can relate to the feeling as so many people can. I like the structure of your poem and the words you use. I dont think you need to change anything. great work. |
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| May I ask what you mean by it falls apart in the end? |
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Comment by: - 2006-10-07 19:28
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| This is beautiful, but the ending seems to fall apart. You have such lovely emotions in here and you've conveyed them very well... but the ending breaks the flow. |
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