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I don't even cry
When I remember how you
like over ripe fruit swung from
our vows and she like a fly
looking for someone to fall
took a whiff of your possibilities
and landed
I bet you charm her,
when you didn't even need to,
with morsels of hope and she
danced and pranced, as is always
before the last kiss
I am not surprised
for I know, you seek to impress
and she, sought to cling
on the pillar of your ego
like a barnacle against the tide
Oh well, I did the same and learned
time takes a toll but opens a channel
tomorrow is always today,
at my side, I watch you wake
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Comment by: marta - 2007-07-14 14:50
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| Min, love your comments, tell me how you would improve it. it does need work. |
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| I think the stiltedness adds to the emotion of the poem...it makes it clear to the reader that the thoughts and feelings of the writer were jagged, quick, and darting here and there. |
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Comment by: Min - 2006-09-06 10:13
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| I liked this, but had to redo the punctuation as I went along to make sense of it. Some of the commas are unnecessary and some of them could do with being fullstops. The way it is makes it a very stilted read, but that may be how you want it to be. |
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