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Boring night at titty bar
The pole stands erect at the end of the catwalk, glistening with sweat -
As I sit flaccid, sipping watered whiskey and choking on the acrid mix of body spray, smoke, and sex.
My friends are in awe, throwing crumpled washingtons at dollar store aphrodites in seven inch heels.
They see love, lust, girlfriends, wives....
I see hollowed eyes, track marks, broken homes and divorces.
"Do you want a dance?" She whispers, a mix of boredom and practiced lust.
She must've mistaken me for someone with a higher money/braincells ratio.
"Just another whiskey, thanks."
I must've said it in the wrong tone, she looks offended -
"What are you queer?"
Wouldn't that make it so much easier?
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| I'd love to read more of your work. I like observational writing like this. The last line (JMO) I feel should be: Would that make it so much easier? |
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Comment by: - 2006-01-01 16:32
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| Great poem, but I'm not sure the last line works. The rest of the poem is observation, and suddenly the poem addresses the reader. Love the concrete images. |
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Comment by: - 2005-04-11 18:00
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I love the sentiment aside from the extra words. How bout' we cut the bitch. I assume you want constructive critism aside from praise, otherwise you would'nt be here, right? This line is awesome by the way: "My friends are in awe, throwing crumpled washingtons at dollar store aphrodites in seven inch heels."
The pole stands erect at the end of the catwalk, glistening sweat -
I sit flaccid, sipping watered whiskey,
Choking on the acrid mix of body spray, smoke, and sex.
My friends in awe, throwing crumpled washingtons at dollar store aphrodites in seven inch heels.
They see love, lust, girlfriends, wives....
I see hollowed eyes, track marks, broken homes and divorces.
"Do you want a dance?" She whispers, mixed boredom and practiced lust.
She must've mistaken me for someone with a higher money/braincells ratio.
"Just another whiskey, thanks."
I must've said it the wrong tone, she looks offended -
"What are you queer?"
Wouldn't that make it so much easier? |
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Comment by: - 2005-04-10 14:20
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| You should try writing short stories. You have a flare for honest, concrete, and vivid writing. As usual, this was great. |
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Comment by: - 2005-04-05 11:39
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| great imagery, I really felt that, this guy alone even though he is with a group of friends. Great stuff. I too am looking forward to more. |
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