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Your beauty is better off with me,
stiffened by pins and paste
in this glass world, suspended in flight,
away from the predators that wish
to lick and bite and digest your glory.
The way you bounce on the air and
dance through the unicorn-and-faerie fantasies
of every little girl should be preserved,
protected from the hungry toads;
your beauty is better off with me.
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What a sinister poem... Whether 'tis nobler... I propose (1) make the text denser; why do we need to know that you (poet) are describing 'the way' [subject] is 'bouncing on air' or dancing through fantasies... that much is implied. Careful editing is my only lifeline. Phrases that are prosey are more effective when they are sparingly used.
***** Disclaimer: I do not consider myself beyond fault, ever... and all of my works are in progress. I welcome your criticism, and commentary. Cheers for open and frank dialogue between peers!
I must admit I had to grab my dictionary first before I could understand who/what this was written for. My first reaction was dinosaur LOL. Very nice work here. The flow from the third to the last stanza reads a little awkward, perhaps you can see if either punctuation or a reshuffle could overcome that. Perhaps I'm just reading it wrong ;-) Nice work from your pen.
