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lsjones
Logan Jones
United States, Georgia, Rome

Words: 189
Access: Public
Comments: 3

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Summers

On the days when the sun was our enemy
and the heat had congealed to the consistency
of idleness, and the shade was just a darkened oven,

we lounged and did little else:
it wasn't worth the effort of swimming
through the heat to go anywhere or do anything,

so we sat. We listened to the buzz
of the sun and the sizzle of our sweat
evaporating, and this was our summer.

The music box melodies would come drifting
on the heat like an angel on the wind;
that was our one and only catalyst:

We ran and ran until we found
that ice cream truck, dragging through
the heat like a blind man through the desert.

Our salvation had arrived in the form of
firecrackers, fudgecicles, and snoopies;
we raced to lick it to the wood before

our hands were covered in the sticky mess,
trying not to waste a single drop
of that frozen childhood. It was impossible:

No matter who fast we ate, no matter
how much brain-freeze we caused ourselves,
that childhood always melted too quickly;

It never did last long in that summer heat.

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Comments  
Comment by: - 2006-09-07 17:39
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I do not understand why you want to tear this poem apart. It is honest about a childhood and friends. These are beautiful memories that make us all happy. You share ours with us and this is wonderful to read. You are very talented, Logan. Keep this uploading you do spontaneously. I enjoy reading your work.
Teri Comment by: Teri - 2006-09-07 15:13
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Some suggestions and JMO so feel free to ignore them:

first line - I'd end it with a comma
second line - I'd get rid of "and"
and end it at "congealed"

end the next line at "idleness" (in other words, I'd make this free-form and not triplettes)

The colons threw me. I'd use a full stop or semi-colon instead (I believe there are three here?). If you read this out loud, can you hear where the line breaks occur naturally.

Again, all this is JMO. As for a title, something about childhood because the beginning doesn't exactly make it clear it's about that time of life. I thought at first it was about two lovers, but that may just be MY frame of mind. lol

It's really a sweet and poignant poem, one that's easy to relate to ourselves. I love the images and visuals of the shade being a darkened oven, the woods, etc. Great work, Logan. :) T. xo
lsjones Comment by: lsjones - 2006-09-07 12:53
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Just a heat of the moment upload. Tear it to shreds, please. And give me a better title.
1

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By lsjones

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