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Night Light
i'm miles away
but still you manage
to make me feel
happy
I can't sing my sad songs
anymore
they seem like
a time so long ago
all the times I've felt
like a piece of shit
are starting to lose
their relevance
cynicism is reluctance
to be happy
with anything
I've seen
an epiphany
only comes
at moments such as these
an eternity
of sums
adds up to nothing
you are
personification of light
no night
is able to withstand you
right into these arms
I lie,
disarmed and peaceful
colours swell
despond
dispell
my life is a ride
that was meant to meet you
I lay down against you
Your breathing
is
B E A U T I F U L
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The flow of the words was wonderful, down to the last line which seals the verse, well done...
Glen Yumang Manese |
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| I have to admit, I'm not all that good at discovering the deeper meanings that lie within most poems - but I liked this. "My life is a ride that was meant to meet you. Your light is the tide I lay down against you..." That was my favorite part. That seemed to flow the best and (as dumb as this may sound) it was the most fun to say. You have some very deep and powerful lines that I feel I need to read several times over again before I get the (perhaps) true meaning. But on the surface, I enjoy them. Thank you for sharing your work, you truly are gifted. Take care. |
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| i love it. it's very beautiful and romantic. your rythme is great and it's filled with passion. |
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The rhyming is perfect in this piece. You may, may, want to edit the arrangement a bit simply to invoke your own voice into the meter rather than leaving it completely to the reader. I hope I'm making sense here... I'll give you an example even though I LOATH when this is done to me, but I sense an almost kind of music in your poetry and it may help for you to make sure the song is being heard the way that it's being sung.
"an epiphany, only comes
at moments such as these
an eternity, of sums
adds up to nothing"
I hope that you don't take anything negative from my post here I just feel you have a powerful voice and should MAKE me read it the way you want. |
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Comment by: nlinde - 2007-07-26 19:47
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I can't help but think what this poem would be like w/out the beautiful at the end. It is so powerful and I found myself giving it my own speech pattern. But ending this poem on "is" would be pretty sweet I think.
nl |
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