The Passion of The Hamburglar

Chapter 1

Okay, kids, let's get this crap over with! Look, I know I'm supposed to pass on this tale in the oral tradition, but screw that! I express myself better hunched over a computer punching a bunch of keyboard buttons that are all sticky because of....well let's not go there.

Anyway, it all began in a tiny universe that was stored entirely in one group of genetically deformed neurons within Timmy's brain. Who's Timmy? We'll get to that later. Anyway, there was a tiny little universe in his twisted head, and within this tiny universe lay McDonaldland, Donkey Kong Country, and a few other weird civilizations. The trouble really all started in McDonaldland, some 5 years ago, so let's begin our tale there.

At 2:30 A.M. Ronald McDonald was sleeping soundly in the king-sized bed of his gigantic McMansion, dreaming happily of the distressed cry of baby chicks as they get tossed into the meat grinder that will turn them into McNuggets, when all of a sudden he was awoken by a pounding on the door.
'Let me in, man!'� cried the voice behind the door. Ronald groaned.
'Who the hell is this?? Do you have any idea what time it is?'�
'Oh, please let me in, Ronald! Robble robble robble...'� whined the now easily distinguishable voice. It was that of the Hamburglar, the city's notorious prankster who was known to steal hamburgers, a crime for which he never actually was punished. Whenever news of another hamburglary arose, the citizens of McDonaldland just nonchalantly shrugged their shoulders and dismissed the news, saying something like 'oh, that old Hamburglar'�. But given Hamburglar's status as the town's perennial spoiled jokester, Ronald couldn't conceive of why he would be frantically knocking on his door in the middle of the night.
'Oh, fine, come in!'� McDonald grumbled, sitting up in his bed. Hamburglar walked in.
'Look, Ronald, I....I...something bad's happened!'� said Hamburglar nervously, 'I've....killed a man.'�
'What the hell?'� replied Ronald with disdain, 'Look, asshat, this isn't funny, okay? I need my sleep; I've got a big meeting with Mayor McCheese tomorrow!'�
'Look, man, I'M SERIOUS!! I, I'll show you the body in the trunk of my car! Come on.'� Ronald stared in bewilderment. He couldn't believe a word of what was being told to him. Hamburglar, a murderer? Nevertheless, he felt motivated to follow the Hamburglar to his trunk, half expecting some kind of toy snake to pop out, or something of the sort.

And so, as they walked downstairs to the garage, where McDonald kept a half dozen Ferraris, a few Buicks, and a gigantic Hummer that normally would be banned from the streets, but'given McDonald's connections to Mayor McCheese'was allowed. All the while, Hamburglar was anxiously explaining this supposed murder. Apparently, he was robbing a McDonald's restaurant (the only kind of food outlet allowed in the city) of its frozen hamburger patties, the night manager overreacted and threatened him with a knife. Hamburglar had responded by panicking and instructing the man to put down the knife, or he would set the greasy place afire. The manager then supposedly lunged at him, and when Hamburglar dodged out of the way, the manager landed in the fryer, and accidentally turned it on. While the manager was being scalded, Hamburglar decided to finish the job and stabbed the man, rather than seek help. When the Hamburglar was done telling the story, McDonald was even more skeptical about the situation than before.

But nonetheless, when the distressed Hamburglar opened that trunk, McDonald was blown away. There lay the manager, his body covered in third degree burns, his throat slit, his chest stabbed, and with dried blood all over his body. 'What the hell are we gonna do?'� cried the Hamburglar.
'WE!?!? You mean what are YOU gonna do?!'� retorted Ronald McDonald.
'Oh, come on Ron! Why can't you help me out! You're my magical friend'�
'No fucking way man! You just turn yourself in now before Big Mac hauls you off in handcuffs!'�
'Oh, PLEEEAAASE, Ronnie?? I don't know what to do!!'�
'Well, okay,'� grumbled the confused Ronald, 'I guess for now we should just bury the body in my backyard for now. And, uh, I guess you could sleep over at my house until we work things out.'�
'Oh goody! Thanks Ron, I owe you one!'�
'Yeah I know you do,'� muttered Ron, 'But, uh, this time you can't sleep in my bed. Sleep on the couch, or on one of my other beds, but NOT the one I'm sleeping again. Not again.....'�
'Oh, okay,'� replied Hamburglar, with faint disappointment, 'I'll go get a shovel.'� And so, the two buried the body in Ronald's backyard, and went to bed. But both of them had trouble getting to sleep.

Chapter 2

Mayor William S. McCheese woke up early the next morning. He had a busy schedule ahead of him. Today he was to meet with all of his advisors and secretaries, including Secretary of Child Marketing Ronald McDonald, to plan out his 'State of McDonaldland'� address. This year's address would be of great importance, for he was facing a lot of criticism, and an election was coming up. The man McCheese would be facing in the election, Maynard McMayonnaise, was an outspoken progressive candidate, who called for a vast array of reforms, including raising wages for restaurant workers, lowering the amount of lard in each hamburger, and not turning aborted cow fetuses into hamburger meat. According to some rumors, he had even hinted at allowing other sources of food in McDonaldland. All of these were a great threat to the status quo of McDonaldland. But there wasn't much need to worry there. Mayor McCheese would win the election, no matter how popular Maynard McMayonnaise became. Every election since 1976, when McCheese was first elected, had been rigged, and this one would be no different. The elections were set up by the McMafia, or as they were known to the public, the McDonaldland Department of Animal Rights (which was laughable, since the animals slaughtered to make food for McDonaldland had no rights whatsoever). The McMafia rigged every election and most referendums in favor of McCheese. In return, McCheese allowed the McMafia to have complete control of the black market, which included drugs, healthy food, prostitution, pornography, gambling, and other vices. The black market products were sold not only to the citizens of McDonaldland, but also to its neighbors in Donkey Kong Country, Tele-tubby land, and others. The whole system was as corrupt as a french fry is greasy.

But now it seemed that people were starting to catch on. In addition to McMayonnaise's outcries, several underground muckraker publications were attempting to give the people of McDonaldland the truth about McCheese's administration. The biggest rumor of all was an accusation that the McMafia was purposely putting heroin in the milkshakes, which seemed to make sense, seeing as Grimace'the oversized mentally challenged cretin who was particularly fond of the McDonald's desserts'had begun to hang out at the McDonald's all day, sucking down milkshake after milkshake, and sometimes attempting to suck the stuff right out of the nozzle of the shake machine. It was truly a pitiful sight.

Even though his police force was working to crush these underground publications, Mayor McCheese still feared that a McRevolution would be imminent if he didn't find a way to quickly put an end to these controversies. He couldn't attack the McMafia, they'd cut off his balls. No, what Mayor McCheese needed was a distraction. But how? Well, that they would discuss during the meeting.

The meeting began at around 9:00 in the morning'exactly 12 hours before the State of McDonaldland address would be given. Much to Mayor McCheese's dismay, Ronald McDonald had not shown up. McCheese bore much respect for McDonald, he was always one of the most intelligent and reliable members of McCheese's cabinet. But nevertheless, the show must go on. And so, after all of the other attendees had taken their seats on the extended table, Mayor McCheese rose up, put his fist on the table, and announced, 'Gentlemen, our Judgement Day Hath Cometh.'� Sound cheesy, eh? Well those are his words, not mine!

Meanwhile the only semi-sane being in this picture, Ronald McDonald, was still sound asleep. The insanity and unrest of the previous night had kept him awake until around 7:15 in the morning. Therefore, he was out like a lightbulb when his alarm clock sounded 45 minutes later. He woke up just as Jesus was about to shoot him in his nightmare. Ronald, in a daze, looked at the clock, and a sense of shock was sent throughout his nervous system. He was already 15 minutes late for his meeting! In a haste, Ronald McDonald suited up in his best clown suit without showering, put on his makeup, and ran downstairs. He saw, to his disappointment, his guest slouching on the chair like the lazy ass that he was, eating Chee-tos and watching fishing on ESPN.

'What the hell are you doing?'� shouted Ronald.
'Watching TV!'�
'Why didn't you wake me up?'�
'Not my problem, robble robble'�
'You jerk! I save your ass from getting thrown in jail and this is the thanks I get?'�

Hamburglar just looked at Ronald like a stupid puppy who didn't understand his master's commands. Ronald just sighed and gave up. He was too short on time to argue. By the time McDonald finally arrived at the meeting, it had been going on for over 40 minutes. Although Ronald was late, he didn't actually miss much, for the group still had not come up with a good angle for the address. Just then, an aid to Mayor McCheese ran into the room, with a sense of urgency.

'Mayor McCheese, I've got some terrible news!'� she said.
'Well what is it? It can't possibly be more important than this meeting!'� snapped McCheese.
'Oh, but I think it is. Hector Gomez, the night manager at McDonald's restaurant #432 was MURDERED!!'�
'Dear God!'� gasped Mayor McCheese. 'Any suspects?'�
'Big Mac and his police force report that Joseph T. Hamburglar's fingerprints have been found at the scene!'� she replied. The parts of Ronald McDonald's face that weren't already pale white turned that color, and his heart stopped. He was now an accessory in a murder case. Instinctively, Ronald stood up, mentioned something about a proctologist appointment, and slipped out of the room. The people in the room didn't seem to care, they were still obsessing over the Hamburglar's guilt. Then Mayor McCheese stood up and grinned.
'Thank you, Sally. You are dismissed,'� he said with a sneaky smile. Then he turned to the table once again. 'Gentlemen, I believe I know of a way to save my mayoralty.'�

Chapter 3

Ronald McDonald rushed to his house to inform Hamburglar of the bad news. The dorky little murderer was again lying on the couch, this time playing with himself while watching some of McDonald's 'private videos'�. When Ronald saw the pitiful sight, he could only shudder, cover his eyes, and shake his head.

'How did you even find those?'�
'Why...I...uh, I didn't think you'd be coming home early Ron!'�
'Whatever, just shut up and put your pants back on! And your shirt,'� McDonald replied. He told the poor sap of what was to come, and the Hamburglar just stared in horror. Ronald, distraught with paranoia, tried in vain to think of a plan. Finally he just gave up and announced to the Hamburglar, 'Fuck it, man, I don't know what to do. Let's just hide here and wait for the police to give up on you. And if they happen to come here, just hide in my secret hole in the wall where you found those tapes!'�

At 9:00 they watched Mayor McCheese's State of McDonaldland address. McCheese was poised and confident, but also striking and serious. He began his speech after a brief applause:

'My fellow McDonaldmen, we are in the midst of many problems, and we have a lot of issues to work out. However, in times like these we must always remind ourselves what is really important: security. And with today's events it has become apparent that there is an evil force out there which threatens the security and safety of McDonaldland.
For those of you who do not know, this morning the body of restaurant #432 manager Hector Gomez was found dead'stabbed and mutilated'in the frying machine of his kitchen. One may ask what kind of twisted criminal would attempt such a crime, but we already know who is guilty: the Hamburglar.
For too long we have been naive about Hamburglar's seemingly innocent practical jokes, for too long we have been kept in the dark about his secret, inner bloodlust. But this is a wake-up call. It is now time to stop this monster, to hunt him down like the animal that he is and bring him to justice!!'� At this point the crowd roared. McCheese continued: 'However, this will not be enough. For this is not an isolated incident. No, this is part of a great conspiracy to overthrow our way of life in McDonaldland!
For years now Hamburglar has been subtly working against us, using his mischievous ways to teach our children to become evil anarchists! Anarchists, bound to one day organize and wreak havoc throughout the land! We must not stand for this! We must take action against all of those who have been affected by this monstrous Hamburglar!

'Oh, my fellow McDonaldmen, but that is not enough. Our intelligence has hypothesized that the Hamburglar might be working for another organization or government, such as Donkey Kong Country, or the Tele-tubby land Terrorist Network! We must build up our arms, gather intelligence, send spies all over the continent, monitor suspicious activity at home, and STOP THESE VILLAINS!!'� with that the crowd roared yet again and gave Mayor McCheese a standing ovation. He contained the smile within him and continued,
'But taking care of the security threat will not be easy, my friends. It will require total cooperation by all of McDonaldland. We cannot have any distractions in our effort to eradicate the Hamburglar, his minions, and whoever else he is involved with. Therefore, I propose that we suspend the election coming up next week, and give all power to the mayoralty and the council!'� Again, the crowd cheered, but was a bit uneasy this time.

'It will not be easy, it will not be quick, but I assure you, that with the proper cooperation and the proper level of force, we can eradicate this foe who befouls us, and lead McDonaldland into a new era of glory and triumph!!'� He exclaimed as he lifted his hands into the air majestically. The crowd gave him a roaring standing ovation, and the sale was complete. Mayor McCheese now had totalitarian rule, and the McMafia would enforce it. Perhaps P.T. Barnum was wrong, thought Mayor McCheese, you can fool all of the people all of the time.

Meanwhile, back at the Mansion, Ronald and the Hamburglar alike had their jaws dropped almost to the floor. Ronald McDonald glanced at the Hamburglar, wondering if it was at all possible that anything McCheese had said was truthful. The look on stunned Hamburglar's face was enough to prove his innocence (except of the murder, of course). They had to escape, and quickly! Their bags were all packed, and Ronald knew of a place in the woods where they could hide and even the McMafia probably wouldn't find them, at least not at first. They would leave early in the morning, just before the McMafia would be out and about, looking for the great scapegoat of the land.

Chapter 4

Well, ironically, they actually woke up totally late. Like 10:30 A.M. By then the McMafia had completely ransacked the homes of the Hamburglar, Birdie, and Grimace (although in Grimace's home there wasn't much to ransack, since he had sold almost everything to pay for milkshakes). There was only one other place where Hamburglar could be: the home of Ronald McDonald. It seemed unlikely that a cabinet member for Mayor McCheese would be housing the most dangerous criminal in town, but then again they were friends.

At 11:00 A.M, just as he was getting ready to throw the bags into one of his cars, Ronald heard a sloppy pounding on his door. Oh, shit! Ronald thought. He was busted for sure. Nevertheless, he reluctantly went over to the door and answered it. Surprisingly, the big lug in front of him was actually Grimace.

'Grimace?? What are you doing here?'� he demanded.
'Dude....uh....I...duh....I need some fucking money!!'�
'Why?'�
'Cuz I'm all out of money! And they won't let me take refills on the shakes anymore!! Oh, please Ronald!! I NEED MY SHAKES!!!'� Grimace said, trembling. Ronald noticed that Grimace, normally a healthy purple color, was now a pale-ish indigo. His face was flushed, he shook constantly, and was unbelievably fat, even fatter than usual.
'Dude, I think you better lay off the shakes...'� Ronald offered.
'NOOOOO!!! Duh, you're crazy!! I need, uh, them '� man I NEED THEM.'� he exclaimed, shaking his arms and grabbing Ronald McDonald. 'PLEASE give me some money!!'� Ronald could tell something was terribly wrong. But he didn't want to put Grimace through any of the 12 steps yet so he reached into his pocket, grabbed a 10, and handed it to Grimace.
'There you go, junkie! Now go away!'� he said.
'Thanks, Ron! You're the man!!'� Grimace shouted as he waddled back to the restaurant.
'What an ass...'� Ronald added to himself. But he had no time to fool around. He quickly grabbed Hamburglar from his hiding place and they rushed into the car. Hastily but not too suspiciously, they drove away minutes before the McMafia came a-knocking at the door.

Meanwhile, back at City Hall, Mayor McCheese was having a top-secret meeting with the McMafia leaders and a few of his advisors. They were discussing how to execute the plans outlined in McCheese's address, as well as what to do with their newly-gained absolute power. Vincent McCarponi'also known as 'Slick Justin'� for some reason'the big don of the McMafia, spoke up first.
'Okay, Mr. McCheese, real good job you did last night with the speech and all,'� he began, with a Cuban cigar in his mouth, 'But now we've got to get serious. First off, has your police force begun to crack down on that Hamburglar fellow?'�
'Yes, I ordered them to go after him this morning. There aren't many places he could have hidden, so he should be in custody within the next few hours,'� replied McCheese.
'Indeed,'� continued Slick Justin, 'however, it's important that you don't let the public know about his capture for quite a while.'�
'Why?'�
'Because we want to make sure the public is still afraid of him, that the threat is still out there! As long is the masses are in a constant state of fear, they will surrender all of their freedoms to you'and us'and our McMafia will be able to.....take care of some business.'�

'And what exactly is this 'business' you're planning on taking care of?'� questioned McCheese.

Slick Justin grinned. 'Well, we want to control all of the black markets, particularly the heroin market. In order to do that, we're going to have to crush all of the foreign heroin markets! Our first target: Donkey Kong Country.'�
'But why,'� responded McCheese, 'They haven't done anything to us.'�
'Of course they haven't!'� Snapped Slick Justin. 'But the Kremling gangsters of Donkey Kong Country control a great percentage of the world's heroin! We're going to put them out of business! Plus, this will give us'and you'an opportunity to extend our power to lands afar! Because really, should a great team like us be limited only to McDonaldland?'�
Mayor McCheese gave a sly smile. 'I see....sounds like a great plan. But how are we to sell this to the public?'�
Slick Justin smiled. 'Well, there are numerous things we should do. One is to make up an excuse. Tell your people that the Kremling gangsters of Donkey Kong Country is a threat to our security, that THEY were involved in the Hamburglar's killing! Yes, this will be perfect,'� Slick Justin put out his cigar and rubbed his hands together in an all-too evil fashion, 'and we must also use our political power to crush all opposition to our agenda! Our first target is that Maynard McMayonnaise fellow. We were planning on whacking him good tonight!'�
'Thanks,'� replied McCheese. And so the meeting went on, with McCheese and the McMafia discussing was to strengthen the unscrupulous government's omnipotent power.

Chapter 5

'I just don't understand it, Ron,'� quoth the Hamburglar, shaking his head as he and Ronald McDonald were entering the outskirts into McDonaldland, near the gigantic, daunting forest that was shared by McDonaldland and Donkey Kong Country, 'I could understand why Mayor McCheese would be upset with what I did, but why did he have to make up all that crap about me being this evil guy that was working for some anarchist group? Now everybody hates me.'� he began to cry. Ronald gave a half-assed roll of the eyes. He was ashamed of Hamburglar's ignorance and cowardice, but yet also afraid, for he'having worked with Mayor McCheese for decades'knew the truth. He knew about the fake elections, the McMafia, the corruption, the whole nine yards. He also knew that Mayor McCheese's political power was becoming shakier by the day. Before the Hamburglar incident, the public was closer than ever to finding out the truth about McCheese and the McMafia. Hamburglar had been the perfect scapegoat. The mischievous little rascal had finally committed a real crime (which Ronald McDonald still could not understand fully), and now there was panic among the proletariat, and the puppet McCheese could once again rule with an iron fist.

Or could he? That was the subject of much debate among what few political insiders there were over whether or not McCheese was stable enough to overcome the influence of the McMafia. There were rumors floating around of McMafia plans to 'whack'� McCheese when he least suspects it. But what could McDonald do? Nothing. If anyone spoke out about such things, they would be shot just for suggesting the idea. But quite frankly, Ronald didn't mind it this way. He did his job, they paid him, he shut up. That was the end of it. It was a simplistic, naive lifestyle, and perhaps if McDonald had been more forthcoming about his suspicions, he could have saved himself and McDonaldland from the downfall that was about to ensue.

McDonald turned back to the Hamburglar and said, 'Well, I just don't know.'� Even now, he was hesitant to reveal what was really going on in the McCheese administration. 'But I do know this: that's all behind us now. Now we're outlaws, and we can do whatever we want. So I suggest you stop whining and start thinking of how we're going to survive out here in the woods.'� Hamburglar thought about this. It would seem such that a person whose sole creed in life was to run around goofily stealing food from people and uttering nonsense phrases like 'Robble robble robble'� wouldn't have a hard time accepting the lawless life of somebody on the run, but the Hamburglar was worried about this new lifestyle. Back at home, everything was simple, everything was easy, everything was in good humor. Even when he ran around like a misguided 5-year-old stealing food, there was always somebody to laugh and give him a friendly pat on the back, then offer him an actual meal. Now it was serious. He and McDonald were going to have to survive on their own, or face the wrath of Mayor McCheese. Hamburglar knew that he could trust Ronald McDonald to do what was right, but the child within his head was still afraid.

Hamburger's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the car coming to a screeching halt. Ronald looked at the fuel gage. Out of gas. 'Shoot! I forgot to fill up the tank before I left! Crap!'� He jumped out of the car and almost kicked it in anger, until he remembered how expensive the car was. Ronald calmed down. 'Well,'� he said, 'I suppose we're not going to make it there after all.'�
'Make it where?'� inquired the Hamburglar. Ronald had not yet told him of his plans.
'I used to have a friend back in college, who owns a trailer way out in a remote area about 25 miles from here. He's a crack dealer now. But since we keep in touch a lot, and we were such good friends back in the day, I was sure he'd let us crash at his place. But now we'll never reach him. If we try to make it on foot, McCheese's police force will be all over our asses before we can make it.'� Grumbled McDonald. There was a long pause as Ronald tried to think of an alternative escape plan, and Hamburglar stood there like the idiot that he was.

'Okay,'� Ronald finally said, 'we're going to have to make a run for it away from this road. In the thick of the woods, far beyond civilization. We're just going to have to survive there, build a shelter, whatever we need to do.'�
'Are you sure they won't catch us?'� asked the Hamburglar.
'We're going to have to.....push this car into that river.'� Ronald pointed to a narrow river a few yards (or meters for you metric bastards) away from the side of the road. It hurt Ronald to suggest the idea of destroying his favorite vehicle, but it was necessary. 'That way, even if they find it, they'll presume we've crashed and died. And so, Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar, with great effort, pushed the car off of the cliff into the river, and headed out into the woods, with no direction.

All of a sudden Hamburglar stopped. 'Hey, I just realized something!'�
'What?'�
'We forgot to get our stuff out of the car!'� Hamburglar's frightful reminder made Ronald stop dead in his tracks. He was right! They had left food, supplies, sleeping bags, money, and a whole bunch of other stuff in the car that they had just kissed goodbye moments ago.
'FUCK!'� was all Ronald McDonald could manage. Well, they were pretty screwed now.

Chapter 6

Mayor McCheese had just come home from giving a speech in which he outlined the
necessity of invading the smaller, weaker nation of Donkey Kong Country. He told of an 'anarchist network'� of Kremlings in Donkey Kong Country, that was working to crush McDonaldland from within and could only be exterminated through force. He said he would assist Donkey Kong (the perennial hero of the nation) in his quest to drive out the Kremlings for good. All rubbish, all lies, but the people bought it. Within minutes of McCheese's speech people were on the streets praising the government and holding massive 'anti-Kremling'� rallies. Such ignorant fools, McCheese thought to himself.

When McCheese arrived at his Mayor's McMansion, he barely had time to sit down before he received a phone call from Slick Justin. 'Have you ordered the troops to mobilize yet?'� Slick's voice asked. Hello would have been nice, thought McCheese. Nonetheless, he answered.
'Yes, all goes according to plan.'�
'Perfect, we should crush those monkeys like vermin!'�
'Yes, yes. And, uh, what have you guys done about Maynard McMayonnaise?'�
'He's been McMurdered!'� They both gave a hearty laugh. Then Slick Justin continued, 'Yes, a bullet to his head, as well as to those of all of his family members. We made it look like he murdered them all and then committed suicide! It was great! There was blood everywhere!'�
McCheese stopped, disturbed. 'Isn't that a little.....much?'�
Slick Justin was angered. 'Listen, Cheesy boy! We do things OUR way, okay? If we want to slay an entire family, that's OUR business! You just sit there on your throne and do what we tell you to do! Or else YOU'LL be committing suicide as well, punk!'�
Startled, Mayor McCheese uttered an affirmation and hung up the phone quickly. These guys had gone out of control.

Meanwhile, in Donkey Kong Country, the citizens were totally unaware of their impending doom. Donkey Kong was arguing with his dad Cranky Kong over who had it worse: Cranky, who had to fight Mario way back when, or Donkey, who had to fight King K. Rool (he had recently defeated the cruel ruler, reducing what few remaining Kremlings there were to gangsters who posed little threat to the stability of the land.) Funky was surfing by the bay that separated McDonaldland from Donkey Kong Country, Lanky was sniffing glue (his secret habit), and Diddy and Dixie were, uh, 'having some fun'� back at Donkey's lair. The first person to notice was Funky. After having pathetically wiped out on a minuscule wave, Funky swam back up to the surface, wiped the water out of his eyes, and stared off into the distance, admiring the long, blue bay. But then he noticed something that caught his attention. There were figures forming in the distance. He couldn't quite make them out, but they looked familiar. He squinted his eyes and thought about it just a little bit harder....


Meanwhile, back in the jungle, Donkey and Cranky were still arguing. Finally, a distressed Donkey gave up, told the old man he was right, and stumbled home. 'Dirty old ass'� Donkey said to himself. But when Donkey arrived at his lair, he discovered something even more sickening. There, young Diddy Kong was lying on top of a moaning Dixie Kong. When Donkey Kong discovered this he gasped. Diddy turned and, seeing that he had been caught, jumped back three feet. Dixie quickly covered herself with a blanket and turned red.

For a while nobody said anything, they just stood there, shocked and uncomfortable. But then Donkey found his voice and the bickering began.
'WHAT THE HELL!?!?!'� he shouted. Diddy gathered his courage and responded with equal fury.
'You know what? This is NONE of your business!! Now stay out of my life and stop walking in on us!!!'�
'Now son....nephew....whatever you are, you know that we've talked about this. And you're just not old enough, neither is Dixie!'�
'Well....I don't give a crap if''
'�You're not even wearing protection!!'� This caused Diddy to shudder in embarrassment, for Donkey was right. Still, he struggled to defend his position.
'Well....shut up! Sucks to your rules, you big lug!'� This made Donkey Kong visibly angered, and it was clear that once again, a Donkey-Diddy argument wasn't going to end peacefully. But just then, their argument was broken up when a frightened Funky Kong ran into the room.

'DUDES!! We've got a real problem!!'�
'Well what the hell is it??'� Snapped Donkey Kong.
'I was surfing down by the bay, and then I totally owned this really huge wave, so I dove back into the water to celebrate, and I found this really cool crab, but it was using a Coke can as a shell and''
'�GET TO THE POINT!!!!'� Shouted a pissed off Donkey.
'Oh yeah and I also saw a bunch of war ships coming toward us. I suppose they're from McDonaldland. They'll be arriving any second now.'�
'Oh, shit!!'� shouted Donkey and Diddy in unison.
'What do we do?'� asked Funky. Donkey Kong thought hard. He hated thinking.
'I guess I'll assemble the troops. Funky, go back to your Ammo store and grab all the arms you can possibly grab. We'll have to go after them as quickly as possible. Now, MOVE!'�
'Yes, sir!'� Affirmed Funky, giving DK a dorky salute. He left in a haste, and Donkey turned to Diddy.
'Diddy?'�
'Yes?'�
'Put your pants back on. We've got a war to fight'� Diddy nodded, giving a brave smile. But then he turned to DK curiously.
'But.....I never wear pants.'�
'Well you better start wearing them!'�

Chapter 7

As Diddy and Donkey left their hut, the McDonaldland troops were already doing damage. Their ground troops were out on the shores and were firing at anything that moved; bees, rhinos, apes, Kremlings, and everything in between. They had been trained only to kill, not to differentiate. The guns of the battleships were firing on the country, and homes, huts, caves, lairs, and jungles alike were being drowned in fire. The troops managed to move about 3 or 4 miles into the Country before encountering any resistance. Donkey Kong, running on all fours, was leading his armed men in a charge against McCheese's army. The Kong troops fought fiercely and valiantly, but they just weren't a match for the McDonaldland fighters, who clobbered them in a brutal massacre.

Why? Well you can start with the fact that machine guns and grenades are just a bit more effective than barrels and coconuts. The Kong troops threw their coconuts and rolled their empty barrels with all their might, but failed to make a dent in McCheese's troops, who would dodge out of the way and respond with deadly gunfire. The shocked Donkey Kong then began to try different tactics. He ordered his men to jump on top of the McDonaldmen. However, the Kongs were just shot in midair. He ordered his men to do cartwheels into the enemy, but they too were just shot down. Finally, Donkey Kong decided that his battle tactics weren't working, and ordered his men to retreat. The McDonald army now had the Kongs on the run, and the slaughter would not relent. Nearly every prominent figure in Donkey Kong Country---Cranky, Funky, Lanky (who was hit by a grenade while hiding under a tree sniffing glue), Trixie, Candy, that stupid toddler from DK3'all of them were slain. The McDonaldland army showed no remorse; heads were bashed in, throats were slit with bayonets, female Kongs were raped, explosives were shoved up rectums, a truly gruesome spectacle.

Through the madness the Kong troops actually managed to get one kill. That came when Chunky Kong, in a rare moment of cleverness, climbed up a tree and jumped down from it, squashing the poor sap that lay below. However, immediately after his glorious kill he was shot to death, but he died the most successful member of the DK army. At that point, Donkey, Diddy and Dixie were running past Donkey's lair, which had been set aflame. They kept on running, not sure where to go. Donkey turned to them, with one last idea,
'Okay, if we go and hide in that giant cave, we'll be able to toss rocks at all of the enemies who try and enter! It'll be a turkey shoot! Let's go!'� Diddy and Dixie looked at Donkey uneasily. Donkey was confused, 'Well, what are you waiting for? Let's go!'� Diddy spoke up.
'Um, I don't really think that's going to work.'�
'Well it has to work! We can easily pull this off,'� replied DK. 'Besides, can you come up with a better plan?'�
'Well, no. But I just don't really want to go into that cave.'�
Donkey went furious. 'Well FINE! Go ahead, leave me all alone, ya little bastard!!'�
'Alright, I will! Dixie and I are going to make a run for it!'�
'Good luck, punk!'� And with that, Diddy ran off with Dixie, and Donkey Kong rounded up what few Kongs remained and led them into the giant cave.

Diddy and Dixie ran towards the forest that lay between McDonaldland and Donkey Kong Country (north of the bay, for those of you that care). They knew not what they would do there, but if they did not escape they would die. Onward they bolted, dodging bullets, cheating death, draining every ounce of adrenaline in their bodies. Diddy pursued forward, gripping Dixie's hand and never looking back.

While the McDonaldland troops were fighting the Kongs, they were simultaneously fighting the Kremlings. The Kremlings weren't much harder to defeat than the Kongs, and the army soon was imprisoning and/or killing hundreds upon hundreds of Kremlings, and securing their heroin refining plants. Now it was clear that they were in control of this country. Back in McDonaldland, the news media was reporting the battle as a tremendous success, saying that their troops had successfully driven out most of the evil Kremling forces, and that the Kongs of the land were free from their wrath. They said that within a few months the McDonaldland forces would return home, leaving behind a beautifully built Utopia in Donkey Kong Country. But, as Mayor McCheese would remind them, 'the threat was not over'�, for the Hamburglar still remained out there, ready to commit evil, as were other evil anarchists. It was all filthy lies, and the public was sucking them in like Grimace was sucking down milkshakes.

Diddy and Dixie were about a half mile away from the woods. Once they reached the woods, they knew that the woods would be a perfect hiding place. They were thick, almost impassible, and full of snakes. No soldier would take the time to try and hunt down anybody there, especially now, when it was clear that the McDonaldland soldiers had emerged victorious. There was one obstacle standing in Diddy's path. It was a great hill, and at the top of it were a few men with Tommy guns, ready to gun down any Kong or Kremling who walked in their path. Diddy figured that the only way to get by them was to use his superior jumping and cartwheeling skills to scale the hill while dodging the bullets, and then grab the guns of one of the men and use it to kill the others and clear a path for Dixie. He braced himself. The climb would be tough, but in the end it would be worth it.

'You stay behind, hide in the bush.'� he instructed Dixie. She obeyed. Diddy took a deep breath and then launched into a furious cartwheel. The gunners reacted at once, frantically shooting at Diddy. But young Diddy was much too fast for them. He made it all the way up the hill with barely a scratch, and then jumped on one of the three Tommy gunners, knocking him out. Quickly, Diddy turned the gun on the other two soldiers and shot them dead. Then he shot the first one. The coast is clear, thought Diddy to himself, as he wiped his brow and instructed Dixie to come out of the bush. But the coast was not clear. For then, out of nowhere came a fourth gunman, this one bearing a pistol. The gunman angrily pointed his pistol at Diddy. He had just enough time to get out of the way before the man fired.....and hit Dixie right in the heart.

'NOOOOOOO!!!!!'� Diddy shouted in agony as he tore at the gunman with his Tommy gun, then broke down on his knees and cried. He had been spared, he was essentially free, but at the cost of the love of his life. Diddy could hardly bear the emotional pain. Nevertheless, he proceeded to walk into the woods, leaving a trail of spattered blood and tears behind him.

Chapter 8

Ronald and the Hamburglar were still walking around aimlessly in the woods, and it was getting darker and colder by the minute. 'I'm tired. And I'm hungry, Ron,'� complained the Hamburglar. McDonald looked back at him, trying to conceal his frustration.

'Yeah, well so am I. We'll just have to toughen up until we find some food.'�
'But Rooooon, I want something to eeeeaaat,'� the Hamburglar persisted. All of a sudden Ron's anger exploded and he punched the Hamburglar in the face.
'Listen up, you candy-assed bitch!!! This ain't like home anymore!! You can't just run off and steal something when you're hungry! I'm sorry you're hungry and tired, but just fucking deal with it, you big baby!!'� This caused the Hamburglar, already on the ground with a bloody nose, to begin crying. Ronald could only look at him, with pity and shame, as he lay there, blubbering on.

'Oh, fine,'� Ronald said, finally caving in, 'I'm sorry I lashed out at you. Now come on,'� he helped Hamburglar up. 'Let's keep moving. If we keep going in the same direction we're bound to find something.'� They kept walking for about 15 minutes. Finally, a distressed Ronald McDonald shrugged and said, 'Well, we're obviously not going anywhere fast,'� he sat down on a log, 'let's just wait here. I need to think about this for awhile.'� All of a sudden Hamburglar turned to Ronald with a bizarre menacing look and began to holler at him senselessly,
'Ohhh!! I guess you're just going to have to toughen up, YOU BIG BABY!!!! WHY DON'T YOU STOP WHINING, BABY!!'� he shouted half sarcastic, half deranged, as he gave Ronald McDonald a sloppy punch that barely moved him.

Ronald McDonald could only stare in amazement, wonder, and confusion over Hamburglar's utter idiocy. He stared at Hamburglar for a good 30 seconds, as the Hamburglar quickly began to regret his foolish attempt at a comeback and became very nervous.
'Uh, listen Ron. I, uh, I'� Hamburglar stammered, before McDonald interrupted him.
'Hamburglar, you don't even....'� he searched for the words, before finally giving up. No combination of words alone could describe the moronic nature of Hamburglar's attack, nor would they make Hamburglar understand the depth of his stupidity. So Ronald reacted by picking up a large stick and beating Hamburglar across the head with it. He continued to beat him in a deranged fury as the Hamburglar struggled to defend himself. He didn't care if killed the Hamburglar, he just wanted to vent his rage. Eventually the Hamburglar tried to fight back. He picked up a large stone and chucked it at Ronald with all his might. The stone missed Ronald, but snapped the stick in two. Ronald took a swing at the Hamburglar and barely missed.

Then a furious Hamburglar picked up another rock off the ground, held it up in the air, and charged at McDonald. Ronald easily jumped out of the way, leaving the Hamburglar to keep running in that direction. The Hamburglar tripped over something. It was a Tommy gun. Grinning, Hamburglar picked up the Tommy gun and aimed it at the now frightened McDonald. But before he could pull the trigger, they both heard a loud voice coming from the woods.

'Hey!! Stop it! Stop!!'� shouted the voice. The dueling duo turned to see where the voice came from. A 3-foot tall, rodent-like creature came out of the brush. He looked mostly like a beaver, but had ostrich-like feet, wings, one eye that was comically larger than the other, and horns like that of a devil. 'Please, guys. Now, what is it that you're fighting about? And what are you doing way out here in the woods?'� he asked.

Ronald and the Hamburglar were stunned. They had never seen anything like....it. Ron spoke up first.
'I think the question is who are YOU and what are YOU doing here?'� The thing smiled.
'My name is Izzy. I live here by myself. I came here a long time ago and built myself a log cabin because nobody wanted to be my friend.'�
'Haha, you suck!'� laughed the Hamburglar.
'For Christ's sake, Hamburglar, you of all people know what it's like to be friendless! Why don't you show some sympathy instead of being a hypocrite?!?'� responded Ronald. Hamburglar frowned, for once again McDonald had a point.
'Anyway,'� continued Izzy, 'instead of trying to kill each other, why don't you come live with me in my cabin?'� Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald gave each other a curious look, but then shrugged in silent agreement.
'Sure, we'll go with you.'� Said Ronald McDonald.

The three walked about a quarter mile away to Izzy's log cabin. It was crudely built, but quaint, and certainly a hell of a lot better than sleeping out in the woods. The inside, however, consisted of little more than what you would find in a motel room occupied by a sleazy alcoholic trucker. In the corner there was a rusty sink and a microwave oven that must have pre-dated Reagan's second term. In another corner was an old bucket, presumably to be used as a lavatory, and a few feet away from that was a bed. There was one 13 inch black and white television, which was lying on the floor in the middle of the room. Ronald turned to Izzy.

'So, where do you hide the food?'� Ron asked. Izzy pointed to a small cardboard box near the T.V. set. But when Ronald looked inside, all he saw were a bunch of opened cans of cat food, and all but one of them were empty, except one that was half empty. 'What the hell??'� snapped Ronald. 'Is this ALL you have to eat?'� Izzy thought about that.
'Well,'� he replied, 'when I left to live in the woods a year ago, I bought a bunch of cans of cat food that were on sale, and ever since then they've been supplying my diet. I guess I never really noticed that I was running out. Heh heh!'� Ronald sighed.
'Well, I guess that I'm going to have to hunt and gather food if we want to survive,'� grumbled Ronald.
'Oooooh, I don't like hunting, Ron! I'm afraid of animals!'� whined Hamburglar. Ronald sighed even louder, then covered his face with his hands. It was going to be an excruciating lifestyle.

Meanwhile, miles and miles away from the cabin, lurked Diddy Kong, a shadow of his former self. He had been defeated. Everything close to him was gone. For hours on end, Diddy just sat there, a living embodiment of cold, empty hatred. It was just him now, he was alone. The world around Diddy had pushed him far away, across the line into savagery. In a way it was every angst-ridden adolescent's dream'or nightmare. Diddy picked up a healthy stick and began to sharpen it with a pocket knife. Never again would Diddy Kong be denied......

Chapter 9

The defeat of the Kremlings in Donkey Kong Country had put McCheese over the top. The brainwashed, sheeplike public'having been duped by the media into thinking that it was a necessary invasion'unconditionally hailed their leader as a God among men. Now even if there were fair elections, McCheese would win handily. Yes, everything was riding high for McCheese. All he had to do was carry out the McMafia's agenda, and he was free to live a luxurious lifestyle. Although McCheese was sometimes troubled morally, he had to admit that overall he was enjoying the ride.

McCheese attended the daily secret meeting with the Slick Justin'who had recently changed his name to Slick Evan'and the McMafia. All of the men were driven to the meeting in stunning, expensive limousines. They wore only the fanciest of clothing and bared, if you will, the phattest Bling Bling available. They entered the secret underground chamber with grins on their faces, ready to discuss 'business'�. Slick Evan spoke up first.

'Okay, gentlemen. First order of business: is there any resistance left in Donkey Kong Country?'�
'No sir,'� replied one of his advisors, 'Almost all Kongs and Kremlings have been either wiped out or enslaved on of their'I mean our'heroin refining plants.'�
'Excellent,'� Slick rubbed his hands together, 'and are we successfully moving the heroin to other countries for higher prices?'�
'You know it, sir,'� the man affirmed.
'Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar?'�
'Out of our hair, but they haven't made noise yet!'�
'Good enough. Well, that moves us to the domestic front. The issue of security is at hand. Our security,'� Slick Evan gave another sly grin, 'I propose that we install security cameras in every home in McDonaldland. That way we can monitor them 24/7, and determine whether they're working for political opposition groups, or if they're buying or selling black market products from other dealers.'� All of the other McMafia gangsters agreed, but Mayor McCheese looked concerned.
'Um....how are we going to get away with that?'� he inquired.
Slick Evan responded cooly. 'Well, our main plan is to require mandatory 'electricity checks' for all homes and apartments in McDonaldland. In order to do that, we're going to have to have you turn over all private electric companies over to the government.'�
'That sounds like communism,'� responded McCheese.
'Bah! How dare you say its communism! This is 'business,' my friend! Now shut up and start getting ready to sign the bill!!'� Evan snapped. He calmed down and added, 'And one last thing: I have received the unfortunate word that a Nuggard (Note: In McDonaldland there was a minority group consisting of people who, by cultural tradition, never ate anything except McNuggets. Although it wasn't politically correct, they were often referred to as Nuggards) from the Nuggish community has found out about the true Kong casualty numbers, and is planning to share it with the fellow members of his community. Now, even if this is not true, we cannot take chances! We have to make sure the word does not get out, and I'm afraid the only solution is to terminate the entire Nuggish community!'�

Upon hearing this Mayor McCheese went as pale as a person with a cheeseburger for a head can go. He was at a loss for words, and Slick Evan continued. 'Yes, we shall round all Nuggards up, telling them that there is...I don't know...a Mad Cow Disease scare or something, and once we've got all of them, we will systematically murder them with chainsaws'for chainsaws are cheapest method'and bury their bodies in the great forest! Brilliant idea, uh?'� The rest of the McMafia clapped and congratulated Slick Evan on a brilliant idea. But Mayor McCheese was appalled.

'YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!'� He shouted, jumping up and slamming his fist on the table. His presence was stunning; the man who had been a puppet for decades was now beginning to make his voice heard. 'Have you all gone mad with power? We can't commit genocide on an entire group of people''
'�They're not people, they're Nuggards!'� somebody contested.
'Shut up! They're people and you know it!'� his face began to soften. 'Look, I understand that sometimes we as rulers must take some moral sacrifices for the benefit of the people, but this is just outrageous. There's no excuse for wiping out an entire ethnic group just so that one minor detail doesn't get out of hand. Now I've put up with a lot in the past 30 or so years with you guys, but in the past few weeks you guys have turn....'� he searched for the words, either unafraid of the McMafia or forgetful of what they could do to him, '....brutal.'� The meeting went stone cold silent, until McCheese picked up again. 'I, for one, would rather throw away my entire career than watch this madness go one bit further.'�
'Then that's what you'll get!!'� roared Slick Evan as he lunged at Mayor McCheese, knife in hand. McCheese didn't even have time to defend himself as Slick Evan kicked him to the ground and stabbed him repeatedly and ferociously in the chest. When it was all said and done, the blood-covered Evan turned to his cronies and announced, 'McDonaldland has finally got a new mayor.'�

A few miles away, in the parking lot of one of the hundreds of McDonald's restaurants, lay a gigantic, bloated figure sucking away at a vanilla milkshake. By then, Grimace was all but unrecognizable. He weighted 500 lbs, was more pale than purple, had an ugly grey beard, and eyes like burnt-out light bulbs. Trembling, he used the last of his strength to gulp one last morsel of milkshake, before his heart finally gave out. The clouds in the sky gathered together and wept for the milkshake and the damage done.

Chapter 10
3 Months Later......

At about 4:00 in the afternoon, Ronald McDonald dragged his feet back into the cabin, a homemade bow and arrow in the right arm, a dead rabbit in his left. He closed the door behind him, hung up his hat, and called out 'Hamburglar, I'm Home!'�
'Hi, dear,'� responded the Hamburglar, who wearing an apron and scrubbing the floors with water and a bunch of leaves rolled up together into a big ball. 'How was hunting today?'�
'Well, pretty much the same as it always is: long, patience-draining, and exhausting,'� he replied, disgruntled. McDonald plopped onto the bed, then rubbed his eyes. 'Boy, could I go for a drink...'� Without saying a word, the Hamburglar fetched some homemade wine. As Ronald sipped it, he glanced over at Izzy, who was glued to the T.V. set.

'Tell me something, Izzy,'� grumbled Ronald, 'Do you EVER do anything besides watch T.V. all day?'� Izzy turned over to Ronald, grunted, and then turned back to the T.V. 'God, you're lazy! Why, in my day we weren't allowed to watch T.V. until we'd done all our chores and made ourselves useful!'� Izzy grunted again, this time showing a trace of disgust.
'Now, Ronnie, don't be so hard on the boy!'� said Hamburglar, with his hands on his hips.
'Aw, shut up!'� replied Ronald, 'all I ever hear from you is whine, whine, whine! 'Ronnie, don't do that', 'Ronnie, that's not right', blah blah freakin' blah!! I don't wanna hear it!'� Ronald belched, then turned over on his side, away from Hamburglar. Hamburglar began to get emotional.
'Oh, how DARE you say something like that! All I do is slave away cooking and cleaning and then you come home and yell at me! I thought you loved me, Ron!'�
'Oh, boo hoo! I'M the one that actually goes out and hunts our food! If it weren't for me you, me, and that stupid.....thing over there,'� he indicated towards Izzy, 'would starve!'� Izzy began to cry.
'Waaaah! Mommy and Daddy are fighting again!'�
'SHUT UP!'� shouted Ronald. 'Go to your corner!'� Izzy ran off and hid by the doorway. The Hamburglar picked up the argument.
'You're such an ungrateful person! Just once I'd like you to notice me! Give me some thanks for all I do around the house.'�

Ronald couldn't respond to that. He was too frustrated, too tired, too angry. He had to get out of the house, he had to escape the domestic madness. He jumped up and, without a word, stormed out of the cabin. He did not know where he was going, but anything was preferable to the situation back home.

Meanwhile, Diddy Kong was sitting on the top of his throne, admiring his domain. All around him lay a massive fortress constructed of logs, sticks, mud, and leaves. It was complete with a mote, a drawbridge, arrow slits, and a lookout tower, on which Diddy was currently residing. His face was painted with the juice of cherries, mud, and ashes from the fire. Sitting within the fortress were stockpiles of weapons he had constructed by himself. Diddy felt a great pride surge through him. He had done this all by himself, and he was invincible. But yet, something was not right. He felt.....bored. Yes, as much as Diddy took pride in his lonesomeness, a little voice in the back of his head spoke of his inner emptiness.

So Diddy decided to leave his fortress and go outside. He didn't know whether or not he would hunt, explore, or what, but he knew that he just needed to get out. So he grabbed a spear, lowered the drawbridge, and headed out into the woods. It didn't take Diddy long before he discovered a rabbit hopping around in the woods. He crouched silently behind a tree, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on it. The rabbit buried its nose in the grass and began to innocently chew on a blade. With admirable swiftness, Diddy leapt in the air, threw down the spear and.....missed the rabbit. The startled rodent ran away into the bushes. Furious and ashamed of himself, Diddy picked up his spear and charged through the bushes.

But what Diddy found beyond the bush was not the rabbit he had been hunting, but a human. A human about 6 feet tall with a red Afro and a clown-like face. Diddy, shocked, took a step back, then raised his spear.

Ronald McDonald looked at the creature with a sense of awe. It seemed intelligent, but Ronald could not be so sure. The creature wore savage face-paint and what appeared to be a pair of self-made pants. He was raising a spear as if wanting to attack Ronald with it. Finally, Ronald tried to open up to the thing. 'Hi, who're you?'� he said.

Diddy pounced on Ronald. He hit him several times in the stomach with the butt of his spear and then knocked Ronald to the ground, all the while uttering animal-like cries. Ronald was too shocked to fight back, and by the time he re-gained his senses, Diddy was pointing the spear at his throat. Diddy's instinct told him to stab the man, and yet Diddy was still curious about him. He recognized the man from somewhere...but where? Where had he seen this figure before?

Ronald began nervously pleading with Diddy. 'Hey, hey, hey! Now...er...what's with the hostility kid? I only wanted to know your name! Oh, please don't kill me! I've got a....wife...and...a kid....'� Ronald stopped. For the first time, he began pondering on the sobering thought that he had become so delusional as to believe that he'the outlaw in the forest'was some kind of Leave It To Beaver family man. Ronald thought about this and almost sobbed in shame.

Diddy, meanwhile, was slowly easing off with the spear. The strange man that looked like a clown had reminded him of something. Slowly he stepped off of Ronald and let down his spear as his brain the memory of the past. All at once, Diddy's civilized self seemed to return to him, and he began to speak legibly towards Ronald.
'I've seen your face before. Who are you'�
'My name is Ron''
'�YOU'RE RONALD MCDONALD!! I knew it! Hahahah!!! Man, you're like the biggest celebrity in the world. I see you whenever I eat at McDonald's and.....oh yeah.....you were responsible for the slaughter of my people!!'� Diddy fumed, and began to reach for his spear again.

'No, no wait! You've got the wrong idea!'� McDonald defended, 'It was Mayor McCheese and the McMafia's fault! I ran away to these woods to get away from them. Gosh, I'm so ashamed.....It sucks to have that whole corrupt nation named after me. Or was I named after it?'� Ronald McDonald pondered. Diddy seemed to understand, and put down the spear. He sat down and began to wipe off the paint on his face. The two chatted for a while, before Hamburglar returned with Izzy.

'There you are, Ronnie!'� shouted the Hamburglar, with both relief and distress, 'I've been looking all over for you! Look, I'm sorry I got mad at you, now will you please come home with me?'�
'Look, Hamburglar,'� replied Ronald, 'We're not husband and wife. And Izzy isn't our son. We've clearly been spending way to much time in that freak's cabin.'� Hamburglar looked kind of confused, perhaps even disappointed, but nevertheless he seemed to agree. Diddy then spoke up.
'I ran away from Donkey Kong Country after all of my friends and family were killed.'�
'Yeah, I know how you feel, man.'� said Hamburglar.
'SHUT UP!'� retorted McDonald, 'We came here because YOU killed a man! Stop lying, jerk!'�
'Wait a sec, this guy KILLED a man? I thought he only stole Hamburgers'� interrupted Diddy.
'Yeah I stabbed my dad a bunch of times because he wanted me to give him back all that money he loaned me. I was all like 'I'm GONNA pay you back' and he was all like 'shut up, son! You've been saying that for years' so I just threw him in the fryer and stabbed him.'� The Hamburglar laughed. The other 3 stood stone cold silent, shocked. They remained silent for several minutes, as Hamburglar started to regret letting the truth out. Finally, Ron spoke up.

'Dude, what the hell?!? You told me that it was an accident, and that you didn't even know him! Now you're telling me that manager was your dad? You lying jackass!!!'� he shouted.
'Well, uh, now that I think about it, you're right! He wasn't my dad, and I didn't know him! Yeah, that's right.'� Hamburglar nervously responded.
'Cut the crap, Hamburglar! You killed you're dad and you know it! God! I can't believe we buried your dad in my backyard!'�
'Uh, we didn't bury him,'� noted the Hamburglar. Ron's heart almost stopped.
'We.....didn't?'�
'Nope,'� replied the Hamburglar, 'We forgot to. We left him in the trunk. I was going to tell you but I forgot.'� Ronald was horrified by all of this recent madness. 'I've spent the last 3 months defending a guy who killed his own dad and then left his corpse to rot in a river,'� he thought to himself. He began to bite his fingers in nervousness.

But then Ronald had a change of heart. 'Aw, screw it!'� he said aloud. He turned back to the other guys. 'Look, I'm tired of living out here in the woods like this. I'm not some kind of rugged, Wild West outlaw, and neither are you, Hamburglar. Or you, monkey boy. I'm just a guy who shows up at McDonald's restaurants every once in a while to distract the little kid's from the fact that the food tastes terrible and will give you heart disease! And Hamburglar, you're no ex-con, you're just a crazy little dude who runs around pretending to steal hamburgers and saying 'robble, robble, robble'! And you, little monkey boy''
'�My name is Diddy,'� Diddy grumbled.
''yes, Diddy'well, I don't know what you used to be like but it seems like you've changed a lot too. Now I don't know about you guys but I'm sick of it. It's time to turn things around. I say we all go back to McDonaldland and give that Mayor McCheese a piece of our mind!'�

Ronald's audience was somewhat skeptical. Except for Izzy, who was eating mushrooms from the forest floor. Diddy finally spoke up.
'Um, have you seen what McCheese's forces did to my people? We didn't even have a chance to defend ourselves! They slaughtered us! And we had like, 5,000 Kongs! Imagine how easily they could kill 4 guys!'� he said.
'Hmm, I guess you have a point there,'� replied Ronald. 'Well, then I say we just leave, and never come back to McDonaldland, Donkey Kong Country, or this God-forsaken forest any more! We could go to my old friend's trailer like I originally intended, or we could just keep on walking until we find some mysterious land!'� The audience seemed to approve of this, and they all cheered.

'You're right! Let's get out of here, robble robble robble,'� affirmed Hamburglar. Ron smiled.
'Oh, and one more thing,'� Ron said, picking up the spear, 'I've kind of wanted to do this for a long time.'� He shoved the stick right through Izzy's head, killing him. Both Diddy and Hamburglar smiled and nodded.

Chapter 11

I suppose I should mention what was happening in McDonaldland at that time. Well, ever since the 'suicide'� of Mayor McCheese, Slick Evan took total control. Well actually, once he took control he changed his name to 'Il Duce'�, and renamed McDonaldland 'Slicktopia'�. From then on he assumed total authoritarian power, and used threats and terror to assure dominance over his people. Before long he had the entire country at his knees.

But something still troubled Il Duce. In the back of his mind he knew there was unfinished business. One day he summoned for his military advisor, General Tommy Collins. 'Come in,'� he said. The military advisor, taken aback somewhat by Il Duce's fearsome yet awesome presence, strutted in.
'Yes, sir?'�
'General Collins, do you remember a long time ago, when we went after Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar?'� asked Il Duce
'Why, yes sir.'�
'Well you see, it's my personal belief that you should always finish what you start. Are you getting my drift?'� General Collins was slightly offended by the intonation of the question. Of course he got the drift! Nevertheless, he responded,
'Yes sir. However, it would be pointless to go after them now. The public have completely forgotten about their existence, much less their crimes against the state!'�
'SILENCE!'� retorted Il Duce. 'Now, I order you to send some troops out into the woods to find those bastards! Now!'�
'Yes, sir!'� the advisor replied, before leaving the room at once. Il Duce rubbed his hands together and gave one last sly smile.

Meanwhile, back in the forest, the three had decided to head for the mountains, in hopes that there would be some kind of village out there. They walked on for about thirty minutes, optimistically chatting with each other, with Diddy getting more acquainted with the other two. Eventually they reached a clearing where the forest seemed to end and the mountainous area began. However, their blissful demeanor was interrupted when Diddy stopped suddenly and turned around. He put his hand in a cup formation and put it up to his ear, for he heard a rumbling. Before long Ronald and the Hamburglar began to hear it too, and they were all very nervous.

All of a sudden, Diddy jumped up in fright and shouted 'RUN!!!'� But he was too late, for at that moment several gigantic tanks came crashing through the bushes. Pretty soon soldiers were stepping out of them, all taking aim at the trio. In an instant Ronald, the Hamburglar, and Diddy Kong were charging as fast as they possibly could into the forest.
'Every man for himself!!'� Ronald shouted. 'That way, there's less chance that we'll all die!! I'll meet up with you guys later!'� The group didn't have time to disagree with him, so they all split up. Diddy kept going straight, Ronald took off to the right, and Hamburglar to the left. Ronald managed to find a gigantic cave to hide in, thereby avoiding the oncoming forces. Hamburglar was equally lucky, he managed to climb down into a narrow canyon, and managed to remain hidden from the army by pressing himself against the wall of the canyon.

Diddy Kong however, was not so lucky. Running straight forward, there was no where to hide, and despite his superior agility, eventually his legs wore down, and the forces caught up with him. A soldier bearing an AK-47 took a good shot at Diddy, hitting the back of his knee. Diddy fell to the ground, helpless, before the rocket of a tank blew him to smithereens.

Chapter 12

Ronald silently remained in his cave for several hours, just to be sure that the army was gone. The cave was very dark inside, but Ronald could tell it was massive. He began walking around in an aimless circle, just passing the time. All of a sudden Ronald's feet stumbled across and object on the floor. It was...a flashlight. Why would somebody leave a flashlight on the floor of a cave? McDonald picked it up and, surprisingly, it still worked. Curious, and still hesitant to go outside, Ronald began do walk down deeper into the great, mysterious cave.

For the first 100 yards or so, it seemed an ordinary, naturally-created cave, with dirty granite walls and bats hanging from the ceiling. However, at a certain point the cave took on a totally different appearance. It became larger and was lit by flaming torches that were hung on the walls. The walls were paneled and the floor was covered with linoleum. Clearly this part of the cave had been hollowed out and fabricated by a man. A man with very poor taste, but a man nonetheless. Ronald was very intrigued, and moved deeper into the cave to see who or what might be living in it.

Meanwhile, the Hamburglar was walking down by the riverside at the bottom of the canyon. He was walking aimlessly, for he had given up hope of reuniting with McDonald, and he knew not where to go from there. But then, in the distance, he caught a glimpse of something which grabbed his attention.

Ronald finally found what he was looking for. At the very bottom of the cave/house/whatever it was, there was a great room with expensive-looking red carpet. Even stranger, at the end of the room stood a great glass orb filled with some kind of blue glass, which was sitting atop a pillar. Standing next to the pillar and the orb was Pikachu. Yes, Pikachu, from Pokemon. Ronald could not believe his eyes. Pikachu stood about three feet tall, wore a leather jacket and Lou Reed-like sunglasses, as well as a Chicago Cubs baseball hat and moccasins.

Pikachu turned to Ronald and said, 'Hey, pal! What're you doing here?'� His voice, in contrast to the high, chirpy one you might expect, was deep and resonating. Sort of like Samuel L. Jackson meets the Wizard of Oz. Ronald thought he must be on crack. There was no way this was happening for real. 'Hey! You!'� Pikachu barked again, 'I said what are you doing here! Can you speak?'�

Hamburglar was stunned. For moving towards him (for he was walking against the flow of the river) was a car'half submerged in the water'identical to the one he and Ronald tossed into a completely different river three months ago. This was crazy! How could it have come all this way? Was it a different car? As the car moved closer, Hamburglar made an effort to find out. He jumped into the water and swam up to the vehicle. Before he even reached it he knew for sure that it was McDonald's, he recognized some of the stuff inside. With much strength he managed to push the car towards the river's edge and ultimately lodged it on a shallow river bank. He then proceeded to open the trunk.

'Hey, you, Pikachu!'� called out Ronald, 'Um, where exactly am I?'� Pikachu smiled.
'I take it you just stumbled in here,'� he replied.
'Well obviously!'� retorted Ron. 'But can you tell me where I am, and what that thing is?'� he indicated toward the orb.
'You, my friend, are in a very mystical and important underground lair. It was built by the gods millions of years ago.'� Pikachu explained.
'That's bull!'�
'Hah! I pity your ignorance, Mr. McDonald.'�
'How did you know my name?'� Ronald was baffled.
'I know a lot of things, Ronald. But now it is time for you to learn a few things. Understand that I could very easily fry your ass and throw you right back out of the cave! However, I feel like I can trust you, so I'll explain the secret behind this orb next to me. First of all, McDonald, do you know how our world was created?'� Ronald thought about this, not knowing how to respond.
'Um, evolution?'�
'HAHAH! You jackass!'� scoffed Pikachu, 'Do the people in your world ever tell you the story of the Gods, and how they created the earth 50 million years ago?'� Ronald shook his head. 'Well then, we have much to discuss.'�

Hamburglar, grunting, dragged the hideous, decomposed corpse of his father out of the trunk and onto the dirt. He examined the holes where he had stabbed his father furiously, holes that were now occupied by maggots, worms, and leeches. Hamburglar began to break down and cry, in a rare moment of introspection. How could he have done this to his own father? He had been so foolish, so cruel, so immature. 'Oh, father!'� Hamburglar cried out, 'I hope you can hear me. I'm SO SORRY!! WAAAH!'� he began covering his eyes and rolling on the floor, a truly sad sight. All of a sudden, a great beam of white light split the sky, and from it emerged a heavenly, transparent figure. At first, Hamburglar didn't recognize the figure, but then he realized that it was his father, with an angel's cloak and a halo. Yes, Hamburglar's father had gone to heaven and become an angel. 'FATHER!!'� Hamburglar exclaimed. Hamburglar's father (if you'll recall, his name was Hector Gomez) looked down at his son with compassion in his eyes and began to speak.

'Son, you have done a terrible thing in murdering your own father. I could spend hours condemning you for that, but we have more important matters to get to. Also, I can see that since the 'incident', you have become a much wiser and much more rational person'�. Hector knew that the last sentence was pushing it, but he needed Hamburglar to be motivated so that his plan would work.

Pikachu continued with, 'Back in those days, the gods roamed the earth, happily and freely, living in heaven and occasionally visiting our world, which they created. However, one day the land of the gods was overcome by a very powerful and very evil spirit, which spread chaos throughout the land. The evil spirit destroyed forests, wiped out races, and even took out several gods. After years of attempted various remedies for overcoming the evil spirit, one god successfully managed to defeat it by transforming into a small orb and concealing all of the evil spirit within the orb. However, that particular god gave up his life in doing so, and if the orb is ever broken, all of the evil will be released upon man, and there will be no one there to stop it.'�

'Recently, a great bolt of lightning struck this mountain, and the entire cave shook. It shook so hard that this orb was knocked off its pillar. I was able to catch it just as it hit the floor, so that it didn't break, but it did suffer a small crack. Through this crack, a tiny amount of the evil spirit has been escaping.'�
McDonald scowled. 'That's the biggest load of bull I've ever heard in my life. You're full of it, Pikachu!'�
'You fool!'� Pikachu laughed, 'Well then hear you this: can you explain why, for the past 3 months, everything in the world has gone haywire? Why things aren't the way they used to be?'� McDonald thought about this. It did seem to be an explanation for all the madness in McDonaldland and Donkey Kong Country, better than anything he could come up with.

'Well, is there any way we can fix the orb, so that no more evil escapes?'� inquired Ronald.
'Yes,'� replied Pikachu, 'however, it will require 10 years of nonstop, intense prayer by 35,308 angels in heaven! That's almost half of them! The odds of this occurring are very, very slim'�. McDonald groaned.

'Father, I have missed you so much. I....I don't know what to say...'� uttered the stunned Hamburglar. Hector Gomez waved his hand in through the air, indicating a request for silence.
'My son, I have been in heaven for over three months now, and I have learned so much about the gods and our world. Right now, your friend Ronald McDonald is in grave danger, and you must follow me so that we can save him. Along the way, I shall explain everything to you. Now come, my son.'�
'Oh, father. There was such a great gap between us....'�
'SHUT THE HELL UP AND FOLLOW ME, YOU DUMBASS!!'� snapped Hector. 'Jesus! Can't you for once listen to me?'� Hamburglar started to speak, but then wised up and began to follow Hector silently.

Ronald paced around the room nervously, not knowing what to do. Would the evil spirit affect him? What exactly was Pikachu doing there, and who assigned him? Ronald decided that, in any case, it was imperative that he let somebody in the outside world know about this orb thing. Hamburglar, Diddy Kong, someone in McDonaldland, ANYBODY. For perhaps if people at least knew about this secret, perhaps somebody somewhere would be able to do something about it.

Pikachu seemed to sense what Ronald was thinking, and he grinned, knowing that Ronald wouldn't ever be able let the story out.
Chapter 13

'Okay,'� Hector began, 'Here's the gist of it: 50,000,000 years ago, the gods blissfully ruled and roamed the planet. The world back then was very different from the world today; there was jubilance and peace everywhere you went, and the landscape was inconceivably beautiful. This happiness, peace, and beauty was the result of a magical gas in the atmosphere known as 'aazxdc'. This gas was so precious that there lived a god in the sky named 'arfwoofbagoo' whose job was to make sure all the levels of aazxdc in the world remained constant.

'But one day, arfwoofbagoo was suddenly and deliberately attacked by an evil fire demon from another planet known as Lord of Flame. Lord of the Flame managed to kill arfwoofbagoo and began to set fires throughout the land. His goal was to wipe out all of the peace and happiness on the planet. Are you understanding this, my son?'�
'No...'� panted the Hamburglar, struggling to keep up with Hector, who was gliding through the air. Hector groaned. 'What a dumbass, I can't believe he's my son,'� he thought to himself. But nevertheless, Hector continued, hoping that somehow by the end Hamburglar might get it.

'Just when all hope seemed lost, another god'named Kristos McDonald'was able to capture all of the remaining aazxdc on the planet before Lord of Flame could begin to destroy it. He stored all of the aazxdc in one magical orb, which Kristos hid deep within these mountains. For the next 5 years, Kristos and some other gods battled the evil Lord of Flame, while the other gods migrated to heaven, where they still live today. It was a tough battle, but in the end the gods won.

'When Lord of Flame knew he had been defeated, he decided to screw the gods over one last time. He gathered half of his remaining energy and used it to construct a gigantic, powerful force field around the mountain where the orb was hidden, so that nobody could ever recover it for 49,999,995 years, until the force field began to deplete.

'Lord of Flame used his remaining energy to conceal himself into a small Green Ball. He escaped to his home planet, vowing that when the force field depletes, he would return to our world much more powerful than he ever was, and would unleash a great evil upon the land. Now the time has finally come when the force field is depleted. Lord of Flame is soon in approaching, and we have already seen some of the horrors of his evil force'they have been causing political upheavals, murders, and genocides. We are pretty sure that if the gods team up and return to this world, they can defeat Lord of Flame, but the important thing is protecting the aazdxc, so that it can be released once Lord of Flame is defeated. Right now, Lord of Flame seems to have employed the evil yet powerful Pikachu to make sure the good guys don't get to the orb. He uses lies, deception, and magic spells to ensure that the orb belongs only to him and Lord of Flame. Right now Ronald McDonald is confronting Pikachu, unaware of his evil powers. We must go down there, so that we can save Ronald, the orb, and the world!'�

Hamburglar was stunned by all of this. He still did not understand most of the story, but he did understand the importance of protecting Ronald. Ronald had saved his life, and now Hamburglar was going to try and return the favor. Hamburglar and Hector raced up the mountain, through the cave opening, and down the cave at blinding speed.

Meanwhile, Pikachu was still grinning when Ronald spoke up. 'Look, I don't know what you're supposed to be doing, but I've got to tell the rest of the world about that orb. That's some scary stuff, man!'�
'Oh, no you don't!'� snapped Pikachu.
'What?'�
'The secret of the orb is to be forever a secret! You will NOT tell ANYONE what I told you, do you understand?'�
'Make me, Pikajerk!'� retorted McDonald.
'Alright then, I will.'� And with that, Pikachu released a blue lightning bolt from his cheek, which hit Ronald square in the head. In an instant, Ronald was transformed. He found it hard to think.....all he could feel was rage. His eyes turned red, his muscles grew, and he began to foam from the mouth. Pikachu had turned McDonald into a maniacal beast.

At that moment, Hamburglar and Hector came crashing into the room.
'NO!! Stop...Ronald.....don't..... listen.... to.... him!'� cried the Hamburglar, short of breath. Ronald McDonald stared at the Hamburglar menacingly with his red eyes. He began to pick up a sharp stone as the voices in his head told him to kill.
Pikachu looked up at the angel. 'Well, well, well. If it isn't one of you jerks from heaven. Well I've got some news for you: you'll NEVER touch this orb! Lord of Flame will crush you like the cockroaches that you are! See you in hell, asshats! AHAHAHA!'� he shouted as he grabbed the orb and teleported out of the mountain.
'Son of a bitch!'� shouted Hector, angry as hell, and not noticing the quagmire his son was in.

'Ronald, what are you doing?'� Hamburglar cried and Ronald began to charge at him with the rock held up above his head. THWACK! The rock was struck across Hamburglar's head. Ronald continued furiously pummeling his former friend, as Hamburglar pleaded for mercy. THWACK! 'No!!!'� THWACK! 'Ronald, stop!!'� THWACK! 'I thought you were my frie'' THWACK! Hamburglar fell to the ground, his black-and-white striped costume stained with red. Before his skull was crushed, the Hamburglar was able to whimper out one last 'robble'�.

Epilogue

Timmy Squires, age 11, woke up from his trance screaming like a madman (remember Timmy? Read the second paragraph, fool!). This particular trance had been the most agonizing one of his life. I suppose I should explain. Well, Timmy was a peculiar one, with a most astonishing imagination. Periodically, he would seem to drift out of consciousness and fall into bizarre 'trances'�, in which he would imagine strange and often terrible things happening all around him. This whole Ronald McDonald epic occurred within a Timmy trance that lasted about 3 seconds. Yes, all of that occurred in 3 seconds in our time.

Anyway, Timmy jumped up in the air, screaming something like, 'STOP, RONALD, STOP!!!'� and began run around punching his classmates. Clearly he had snapped. As Billy's 5th grade class stood there, in a state of shock, Timmy jumped out the 3rd story window of his school. Fortunately for him, he landed safely in the bushes. Timmy then continued to run around like a madman, and eventually stole a person's car and drove off with it, never to be seen again.

Well, that car happens to be mine. It's a red 1999 Ford Focus, with a Wisconsin licence plate that reads 'PWNAGE'�. If you ever see it, return it to me. And that's the moral of the story. Yeah, I know I probably could've just told you about the car, but I wanted to jazz it up a bit. Sorry for wasting your time.

THE END

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