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Carnal
I climbed into the hills to reach you
on narrow one-lane roads shielded by oaks and pines
beneath the afternoon sun, hidden halfway behind fog
Every time you spoke, I imagined my lips on yours
my body, naked, against you in the throes of ecstasy'
but wait, I shake the indulgences from my mind
I glance upon you, you're speaking and I'm trying to listen
you're talking about deserts and blood and I'm thinking of
you and love, sex and raw, hot passions'
I descended the hills with you beside me
relieved by moments of relaxation, in which I converse
with the unexpected'an understanding kinship.
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Comment by: Dakota - 2007-12-02 08:32
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Makes you wonder what the other person is thinking, where they are, and how much we miss because we don't listen. I try and remember to ask my self: what point are they making, before I step off the cliff and wallow around in my own thoughts...
There's a world of people talking and only hearing themselves... |
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Hmmmm. The first stanza is very good, it crams a lot of especially good details in a very small space. The first half of the second stanza is good.
For me, "throes of ecstasy", in the second stanza is cliched, it's not personal enough. The next part "I shake the indulgences from my mind" is too long and, I think, could be phrased better; I understand the image you are creating, but it needs to be worded differently somehow, in my opinion.
The third stanza is ok, I like the use of "and"; it adds rhythm and heightens the intensity well.
The first line of the final stanza begins to close the poem well but, after that, I feel it is too wordy and "formal" for the type of feeling you are trying to project.
Hope you don't feel like I'm having a go - I'm just trying to give constructive criticism :) thanx for your comments on my work, sorry I took so darn long to reciprocate. |
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Comment by: jakrebs - 2006-09-26 19:15
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| You see, this is how we guys want females to think of us. Particularly stanzas 2 and 3. And usually it's the guys who are feeling so "Carnal" that when the girl talks all they hear is blah blah blah blah. Are you sure your brother didn't write this? JK - great poem. |
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