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JohnnySodoff
John D. Valadez
United States, Texas, Corpus Christi

Words: 250
Access: Public
Comments: 4

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Inner-Space Cities of the Monolith

A comrade and I disclosed ideas of civilizations. Great societies with rulers and followers going through their humanly routines, not even children, not even born.

The City Within, between our legs that suffer nightly disasters and survive to rebuild. Inner-Space Cities of the Monolith, The Great City of Atlantis where men are like ghosts with tails and round heads screaming 'EX!,' and 'WHY?,' right before they swim their final dance, looking for the Great Orb of Life in the Tomb of Enchantment, which is only relative as I've heard it also spoken of as the Tomb of Despair.

These men, like worker bees or army ants, travel in frantic fury, searching for fluid hope to flow from unborn drone to creative living lover. The cities they nightly rebuild are all in vain, in veins that break and fill with blood and flood like hurricane rushes while creation starts again amongst the dead.

So sad, the soldiers that find themselves amidst the barren desert, miles wide, of their glossy centerfold doom. Some sadistic tease where they see their target in high resolution and despite their will are unable to penetrate the beginnings of their task. So sad, the martyrs lost amidst computer screens and keyboards and sofas and apple pies, who died hopelessly in their futile mission after the hundredth stroke of their great lusting god. The man with the pen who can't hold on.

We drank our coffee and went for a drive. At night I ruin cities. ;)

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Comments  
JohnnySodoff Comment by: JohnnySodoff - 2006-09-28 10:33
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Thanks for the comments and suggestions.
elleven25 Comment by: elleven25 - 2006-09-28 08:06
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I think the metaphor was chosen very well. It's a good piece of fiction. a problem I had with it, though, was that it's somewhat obvious as to what it stands for.
For instance; "the martyrs lost amidst computer screens and keyboards and sofas and apple pies." Combined with the end of the sentense, ti's pretty evident what you're talking about here. I would suggest to leave the furniture descriptions out, or substitute w/something else :)
Kerosene Comment by: Kerosene Online- 2006-09-28 05:22
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I agree with Robert. This was funny as well. Some words were well placed like "centerfold and fluid hope".

One suggestion would be to change the second time you say "in vain". The first one works well in that you have the play on words. But the second time just sounds like repetition. Not good for a flash fiction story.

Well done, John
Robert Barlow Comment by: Robert Barlow - 2006-09-27 18:29
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John, I'm inclined to think that this is a great example of metaphor at its best. Keep up the good work. ;) --Robert Barlow
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