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PrometheousUnbnd
Alfred Derro IV
United States, Pennsylvania, Harleysville

Words: 129
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Long shot.

Last week a train passed by,

and I wanted to run and meet it.

Scratched hands on steel

and stares;

whatever it takes to get me away;

whatever it demands.



Streets are for getting by;

I've got to get out:

of the story I'm trying to make.

I need a life to take me in.

This is where I begin.



Will you be gone with me?

You're always on the way;

on the tracks I'm making mine in my mind,

and more, in the real world, in every moment from now on.



Will you be there?

To take my scratched hand?

Running along your long shot,

hot from the chase;

whatever it takes to be out with me

whatever it demands.


Whatever your move makes.

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Comments  
PANDORA Comment by: PANDORA - 2006-09-30 11:57
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Ok, here is my take. I think that...no I know that most writers stick to certain rules. I think there are no rules to writing. I am sometimes told about meter, stanza breaks...blah blah blah...boring.

I think you have your own style of writing and that is why I liked the first poem you wrote and why I also like this one.

I am always one to rock the boat. Sorry.**
rosysophia Comment by: rosysophia - 2006-09-30 11:28
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I really enjoyed the beginning of this, but I think you sort of deviated into something else. It became two subjects and sort of loose and open-ended. I think the ending stanzas need to be tightened up a bit. :-)
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By PrometheousUnbnd

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