 |
 |
 |
| |
Battle of the Marshes
It was dark upon the misty moorland marsh where the men lay in restless angst. No moon was there to ease the shadows, for it and its celestial neighbors had relinquished the skies and had drawn over themselves a veil of cloud so that they might be blind to the act that was to be done below. The armored men would have been visionless in the night but for the white mist that presented vague silhouettes of the tall grasses, the still horses with their still riders, and the crouched footmen with their boots in the puddles. Spears were held forth and ready. Helmets were securely drawn. Crossbows were fed and waiting. All was set, save for the soldiers in their apprehension.
Yet despite the fervent prayers of the warriors that naught should come to pass, the enemy was sure in advancing. The shod hooves of the approaching horses slipped through the water. The quick pace of the coming enemy soldiers sent ripples slithering across the marsh to beat against the soldiers of the sitting army.
Then came a still silence, and a wait. The chorus of nocturnal insects faltered and stopped. The snakes slunk into their holes. The mists began to thicken in the air, wherefrom sprang arrows in abundance in whistling descent.
The cries of men gave flavor unto the air, and blood gave color unto the water and grass. Commands from harsh tongues of authority thrummed in the ears of the feverish soldiers as bows were emptied and armed again. Spears, held firmly in sweating palms, swept forth upon toward the charging wave of dark shapes who were heavily burdened with plates of dented steel and blades broad of berth and fine of fringe. Steel and steel, once brethren in the belly of the mountain, met as enemies in the open air of the cold night. Flesh was split, souls released, and heroes made. The moon revealed itself.
Thus ended the battle, whose result was little else than tarnished metal, splintered wood, and heretofore-thriving lives suddenly vanquished. It matters not as to who was the victor and who was the loser, for the soldier that lived to see the end had now to proceed unto the next battle, where his fate was as uncertain as the swirling mist of the moorland marsh.
Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
| I enjoyed this story. I think the sentences could be shorter, too. But all in all it is wonderful writing. Very descriptive. You truly are talented. |
 |
Comment by: Lance - 2007-05-23 09:43
|
|
| Your descriptions are so vivid. I can see this story being played out in my mind like a movie. It's almost poetic! |
|
|
| Great imagery. However, the battle itself is a little lacking, and could go more in depth. Also, is this the whole story? If so, there is very little plot development, and it isn't very rich. |
 |
Comment by: popeye - 2006-12-28 10:26
|
|
This story can only be described in two words "absolutely breathtaking", the emotions and thoughts of the feverish (as described by you) soldiers slowly lushed into my mind as i read this story, the imagery and the way the wind, earth and surroundings are described is just brillant. The story hooks the reader from start to finish because i suddenely pictured myself in the withered moorland marsh, through the bloodbath, until the end. The personifcation of the moon in this line is brillant, brings life, suspence to the plot "No moon was there to ease the shadows, for it and its celestial neighbors had relinquished the skies".
Mate, what can i say, this is one of the best story i have read in a very long time.
SIMPLY BRILLANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
|
|
All written as if painting a picture. Heavy description. That said, I think it would be better with tone shift when the battle joins.
I've noticed that you use biblical structure in most of what you write. However, action - even poetic action - is always better when contrasted. In your case, short, crisp sentences might do the trick.
"Shouts flavored the air. Blood died the water. Harsh tongues, burning, pierced through everything, and the night screamed back. Bowstrings thwacked. Arrows hissed. Spears whooshed in driving sweeps, and iron met steel, and masks roared. In the shivering darkness, waves of men boiled forth.
In that midnight melee, flesh was split, souls were loosed, and heroes made. Metal of the same ore - carried from the womb of the mountain - clashed as mortal foe in the cold winter air. The moon burned through the veil of the heavens, an eternal eye, watching over the deeds of mankind. It shone."
Notice the tone shift? It's really difficult to pull off, but the effect is quite striking. |
| 1 2 Next |
|
 |
 |
 |
|
|