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One little lamp (Rev 11/03/06)
One little lamp in a pool of darkness
A small glow caressed by uncaring velvet
Struggling, struggling
To shed a little something
Maybe illumination
Maybe some slight bubble of hope
Into the quiet consumption flowing
Around its very existence
Not really guiding
Not really helping
Simply being
Makes something else possible
Lights aren't really truths you know
They're only lights
But they do help you to see sometimes
Even if you don't know what you're looking for
Somedays it's so bright
The afterglow brings on tears
Somedays it's so dark
Almost forget it's there
Somedays the bulb flickers
And almost dies out
Somedays you forget to pay the bills
And wonder if it'll ever be back again
Let it shine
Let it glow
No matter what demons trot from the shadows
No matter what traps lay waiting
Let it spread
Let it go
That little lamp is all alone
But if you keep dreaming, it will always glow.
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Comment by: tathas - 2006-11-03 05:26
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Actually, suggestions like this are really helping. Because of the way I usually write, meaning typing down the randomness that spawns from my head, I don't really look at the repetition as much as I should. I got rid of one of the littles, as I think the other two really convey what I meant.
Groucho glasses? He he. Man, where's Photoshop when I need it *grin* |
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Comment by: Teri - 2006-11-02 19:07
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Okay, so now you'll kill me.
One LITTLE lamp in a pool of darkness
A small glow caressed by uncaring velvet
Struggling, struggling
To shed a LITTLE something
Maybe illumination
Maybe some LITTLE bubble of hope
Into the quiet consumption flowing
Around its very existence
You know what I'm going to say. Don't hurt me.
IMO, this reads a lot tighter! Not a LITTLE. :D :D :D
Again, YOU have to be happy with the poem. It's your poem, Floyd. I make suggestions, but that doesn't mean I expect anyone to listen to them. lol
Teri who is now wearing Groucho glasses xox |
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Comment by: tathas - 2006-11-02 11:02
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| Ok, made some changes based on the suggestions. Hopefully this is a little tighter. |
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Comment by: tathas - 2006-11-02 10:55
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| All this is JMO (JUST my opinion)? *grin* Thanks Teri, this is why I like it when you read my stuff. |
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Comment by: Teri - 2006-11-02 08:43
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*stalks you back* muahaha
Okay, getting right to the suggestions, etc.:
Just one little lamp in a pool of darkness (no Just)
A small glow caressed by uncaring velvet (no A)
Struggling, struggling
To shed a little something (nice little half rhyme)
Maybe illumination
Maybe just some little bubble of hope (no just)
Into the quiet consumption that flows (that flows = flowing)
Around its very existence
Not really guiding
Not really helping
But just being (just - merely)
Makes something else possible
Lights aren't really truths you know
They're just lights (just - only)
But they do help you to see sometimes
Even if you don't know what you're looking for
Somedays it's so bright
That the afterglow brings on tears (no that)
Somedays it's so dark
That you almost forget it's there (no that)
Somedays that bulb flickers (that - the)
And almost dies out
Somedays you forget to pay the bills
And wonder if it'll ever be back again
Let it shine
Let it glow
No matter what demons trot out from the shadows
No matter what traps lay waiting in the dark
Let it spread
Let it go
That little lamp is all alone (that - the)
But if you keep dreaming, it will always glow (full stop at end?)
Okay, I noticed something. You have a tendency to overuse "that" and "just". It weakens writing. I know it lends a bit of informality to the work, but too much informality isn't a good thing.
All that aside, I like the strong and thought-provoking message. I love, love, love the imagery. It MERELY (not just, haha) needs tightening up a bit.
All this is JMO, although the "that/just" thing really isn't. :D
Hope this helps a bit.
T. xox *disguised as shrubbery* |
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