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Two Graves
A son and his vengeace, my lord,
Shall lay his mother's corpse and pride
At your door not for your lament
But as to warn of a sword
Whose sharpness will slash inside
Your soul like a shredding garment.
To sue God, my lord, is beyond
My anger. I turn to you instead.
You who shipwrecked my mother's youth.
I do not hope to still my hand
As it exacts my bleeding need
Of delivering death with truth.
Your death, my lord, shall not be as
You wish. The truth will seduce you
And then your cowardice shall be
Broken bone by bone. At last,
The wrong be righted and imbued
By atonement of destiny.
Just, my lord, I shall call myself
And must count myself generous.
Solemnly I shall dig two graves
One is for my loved mother's peace
And the other shall be the host
Of your everlasting dismay.
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Comment by: abhinaw - 2007-11-07 04:25
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| handling of similies and metaphors is sound. |
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| This is a very strong piece, both in structure and emotion. You create some very strong imagery which will remind the reader of the piece long after they've walked away from it. |
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| The brave are always stubborn and choosing almost always is fighting our apatathy and complacency to just exist. Life is a choice and so is your fate. Building Blocks I also liked that, as well as embracing opportunity and possibility. I most like the question you believe God is asking, it's like He is challenging you to reach for a better life you know you can have and exists and the magic is it is in our choice to not let our conditions and circumstances define us that we begin to reach and exercise our faith. Yes, God never forgets. |
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"until He bless<es> me"
"I <e>specially love to recall the years when my life revolved around playing..."
"is removed layer by layer by every event in our life." I'd change the second "by" to "with"
"my father had the upper hand and commanded what to do <to> my mother's property."
"not said to Moses that He was a good God." ~ not say
"thoughts for I knew she will reproach me because of her devotion." ~ would reproach
In the 7th paragraph you switch back and forth in your tenses. This is a reflective piece so you need to change all of the tenses to past- "when it seemed" "that helped" "only solved"
Next paragraph- you forgot the "s" in sister
"my parents sen<t>"
"she did not accept- she chose"
There are other typos in here, but this was a very heart-felt read.
"After all, the brave are always stubborn." I like that.
Just work on the grammar and spelling and this will be great. Yvylyn |
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