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Disease will leave this country
doomed to a life in death
Violence will storm this country
and replace people with guns
War will raid this country
and leave blood in our gardens
Poverty will seize this country
and leave a trail behind
Drugs will capture this country
and leave needles where our children play
with the forces of evil controlling this country
Soon we will all be six feet under
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I think this poem has a good start and solid message but the rhythm feels all funky to me. It was like the following line to each of the "statement lines" read awkwardly.
For instance,
Violence will storm this country
and replace people with guns
I think the second line would sound better as "replacing people with guns" - it's a simple thing but read it again with the change, it reads smoother.
I think this will cure the rest of the poem. And if Im way out in left field, nevermind this comment was ever born.
