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Coma
I'm in a
tunnel
it's dark
no light
my opened eyes
can't see
the way
I close my eyes
and I imagine
the light
shining,
leading,
pointing
the way
I'm in
a dream,
I can't wake up
can't open my eyes
to see ahead
I trip
and I fall
in an abyss
so deep
I'm loosing
air
and inside my head
voices are
telling
I'm not gone
yet
I'm cold
and scared
my eyes
are shut
to veil
the end
don't want
them open
it's not time
to go
off track
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You captured a frenetic pace in your format - I loved it, it's as if you are going along on the journey, the inner struggle to stay on course.
the lines
'my opened eyes
canâ??t see
the way'
put great emphasis on the helplessness we feel when we are lost. A great read! |
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| I'm sorry, I really hate it when people try to change your words. I think you've written something powerful here. Sure there are things I would've written differently but then it wouldn't be yours would it? My only suggestion or piece of advice about this piece would be for you to not be afraid of using punctuation. I love the "out of breath" feel this poem has and the effect you've given it by shortening the lines so. I've just found that using puntuation (commas mostly) can help guide the reader and give them markers as to where I would like them to pause and break and resume. I think it helps them see my words the way I indeded. As for those people trying to tell you how to express your words, forget about them... they can't tell you that: they don't have your soul, your heart. |
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my opened eyes
canâ??t see
the way
I close my eyes" That has a bit of a clumsy feel to it. Would you consider:
my eyes
can't see
the way
I close them
and imagine |
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This is really good. I liked the pace of it which kinda made me want to lose my breath as I was reading it. Interesting.
One possible suggestion would be to change:
"and inside my head
voices are
telling
Iâ??m not gone
yet"
to
"and inside my head
voices are
convincing me
Iâ??m not gone
yet"
Again, nice job. |
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| Wow! This is nice. It goes so well to the music I'm listening to... I'd love to hear you read it... I would say use only the words you have to read with a form like this, but if it sounds good when you read it, leave it! |
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