I looked everywhere for it. Happiness that is. To this day it still eludes me. I'm growing weary in my search and fear that I'll soon become completely unable to continue.

I've looked to others for this 'happiness' - to no avail. Others are to eager to take from you what you may have to offer and then toss you aside like yesterdays newspaper. I've looked to family - many times during my search. This too has proven frivolous - for my own mother has made it clear that happiness is only granted to those that have earned it and I so obviously hadn't. I've even tried to search within - and there the hardest truth awaited me - happiness will never be mine to hold - for I've drained the happiness from all those around me and as repayment for the suffering I've caused - happiness will never be within my grasp.

No matter where I look - this 'happiness' that so many seem to enjoy seems to always remain just outside of my reach. I get a glimpse of it on occasion when I am fortunate enough to make someone smile - at least seeing the happiness in others gives me a moment of pleasure that I cling to as if it were life itself.

These days though, even that satisfaction of feeling some slight 'warmth' from the glow of someone else's smile has eluded me. I just can't seem to even continue the one thing I've been able to contribute to this world - laughter. For the last small opening that was left for any love or kindness to enter or exit from my heart has now disappeared. Any previous hope of feeling a pulse is now gone - cold, dark, hard - a stone where a young, carefree, innocent heart once beat with such exuberance.

This I feel is the end of my journey. I have nothing left to contribute and have already taken more than my share from others. I no longer wish to disrupt the lives of those around me in my search for something that I obviously am not entitled to. I know some may think this selfish of me to just 'give up' - but I think I am doing those that have had the misfortune of knowing me a service by ending any obligation they may feel to continue their association with me. Maybe happiness was never meant for me, but at least ending my journey now will give me the peace I so desperately need.

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