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alicehtc
Alice Tsang
Hong Kong

Words: 82
Access: Public
Comments: 9

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A Bashful Leaf

Concealing in a corner,
his eyes direct their rays on the stage.
She's a conspicuous camellia,
each petal, each part blooms with splendour.
What a melodious voice, as raindrops of spring,
tenders even the toughest rock.
The ice is melting within his heart,
a power has set a spark.
Her hair is honey and eyes are dew,
he can neither resist nor flee.
Being a nobody and looking at a star,
just want to be a leaf
and strengthen her grace.

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Comments  
Comment by: - 2007-02-13 14:40
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wonderful images you've painted here. well done.
Comment by: - 2006-11-04 15:39
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Wonder job! You create such beautiful imagery! Loved it! ^_^
tweety Comment by: tweety - 2006-11-02 08:25
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Thank you so much for your encouragment and advice, you are right it was a better suggestion... and i loved reading this one.

thanks again
alicehtc Comment by: alicehtc - 2006-11-02 07:19
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Thanks for telling me. I will notice these when I write next time. ^_^
OriginalRisky1 Comment by: OriginalRisky1 - 2006-11-02 07:01
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Good start, others have pointed to the grammatical issues but those are less problematic than the over all meter. There is a problem in line four where you depart from the original structure. The first line can work if you are talking about the viewer hiding himself in a corner. In effect he is the silent adorer, hiding himself from view. Is it from shyness or his sense of being overwhelmed by a vision? Or maybe he is there trying to make up with her. If the ice is melting from his heart, then one would have to believe there is or was a relationship between the two. What you have not given us is the reason for this persons stony and icey predilictions for the singer upon the stage. A backstory is not always relevent but for this poem to work you need at least some allusion as to this pairs relationship.
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By alicehtc

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