(Complete version of Confessing Freedom)

Maybe I can write... hmm... maybe its been too long now... having been deceiving myself and lying for too long now... maybe I am too much into this fantasy world... maybe its too late to come back ... my "SINS" are too great to be pardoned... or maybe its just me... I am going deeper and deeper into this abyss.

Don't distract me ' that's my job'� I have lost whatever I had whatever I possessed and whatever I held dear and honorable to a flurry of emotions that I experienced. A dancing whirlpool, a scintillating tune of the wind mixed in an array of emerging, fiery, discontented, restless parade of raw and wild faces of life'� likeness, love, hate, contempt, anger, sorrow, loneliness, satisfaction, peace all in a flash of lightning, a blink of an eye, feeling of a warm breath escaping you, a light whisper of a touch.

Everyone goes through the phases of love ' though it's not exactly that'� it's something which I like to call emotional development so that we can say a person is emotionally matured. So did I. First there was my stupidness... my false love you can say... but it still is I guess... no I am not sure anymore whether it really was or not... maybe from my side it was... but his side can't be defined on my scale of love... it was the case of an ant taking refuge on a mere feeble stick in an ocean of deception... but the need was different... the remedy taken up was not permanent... but just a temporary illusion balm of self satisfaction and ego protection bound to make one more prone to being hurt ... and hence I become the vital band aid... the leading actor in the play ... but now things at my side are changing.... now I don't make it my life because it isn't that no more... at least that's what I make it now... "For now its love - for now u r mine".... ironic isn't it.... this is crazy ' psychotic.

Then there was this Aristotle guy... my good friend but another specimen of need... need for a temporary companionship... need for word play... need for just talks... interesting being... very alluring while playing with his speech... but alas... wrapped up a little too tightly in the reality of the world... honest and likeable... have opened up a lot but helpless practically... a creature of feelings at a point, a wizard of words at times, but all in all a bound human... a dreamer of wishes and a conjuror of plans withheld by the alarms of reality and by the chains of unspoken rules... as for me... I have now learnt how to play with his words... once again I become the need ... defined by the measures of time.

Here I die again... once the realization strikes it all becomes so damn hurting... then funny ... then nothing... I am at this stage... its all nothing... ready to take on another and another'� and yet the words, the game, the end ' it all resonates in my personality ' my soul.

So what becomes of me now? Yes, I am broken ' shattered beyond any slight chance of repair. 'Why'� is not the issue anymore ' for what they asked from me ' the grievance spoken has proved to be the last stone needed to break me up. One second it was ' or maybe less ' one second to snatch me away from the world of false safety to a point so far away that eternity seemed a mere fraction of where I am. Each syllable uttered with such contempt that it all hit me and crushed me and kept crushing me till a hundred thousand pieces that I was broken into were further shattered into a hundred million more. The words which were the basis of our relationship ' the apex of our bond ' into whose meaningful fort you climbed way up high and claimed your love for me, and you used the same words or maybe the illusions of words to proclaim that my being is no longer worthy of bringing color to your life.

You know why I am alive'� because my desire to be loved exceeded my desire to die.

The capacity to enjoy when everything is happy and good has been replaced with a feeling of regret and depression'� am I doomed for this fate or will I ever be able to feel really happy again without lying to myself?

But why do they always forget ' I am beyond their words, beyond their feelings beyond their needs'� for I am above all that. The love is merely an aspect of life for them. They have chosen me just to decorate it with my presence, cover all the bases so that they can win the medal of achieving yet another mark in life.

I can do just that ' I can light up every nook and corner of their aspect of love so as to satisfy your perception of it ' but they cannot understand the unending abyss of my being, the unsung symphony of my love. For it may remain so because of their lack of ability to delve into my being of unending labyrinth ' till eternity.

This is too much... I know... you must be saying this girl has gone totally crazy... bug off.... so that's what it is... the truth... ugly isn't it... that's me.

I know... it's ok if you don't want to go on anymore... it always happens... I get used up... and I am used to it... no big deal... for you it's just a body that you see'� yet my soul is free.

Love as portrayed by Khalil Jibran

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions
May wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
As the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you
So shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth
So is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses
Your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and
Shake them in their clinging to the earth.

It is not a mere game ' nor an exciting time passing thing. It is not about people, guys or girls ' I beg you look ahead of all this. Though I shared my experiences but as they say ' men climb to higher levels stepping on the grave stones of their own selves. In today's fast paced world it is no less than a miracle that someone experiences or is lucky to experience that divine feeling which is related to your soul not the body ' an illuminating experience ' a wonderful experience which goes far beyond words. It is easy to claim but hard to really understand and hold on to. I wish everyone best of luck so that they may - in their life times ' even get to reach the starting line.

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