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i thought the poem was interesting and i think you can turn this into a short story very easily. it brings through the heart of your thoughts clearly.
please read my short stories n comment it will be appreciated. |
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Comment by: seeds - 2007-04-23 12:38
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| i like this. it's personal |
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| Alice, your sadness and frustration come through very clearly in this piece. I'm sure, though, that your mom loves you in her own way. My wife's mother was that kind of woman as well. She was always on her case about something, but I truly believe it was with good intentions. There are times when we simply have to let go and allow the ones we love to be the way they are, although the pain will always be there. God hears your heart's cry, Alice. Blessings. |
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Comment by: GrkGrl - 2006-11-05 11:17
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| i think it's perfectly imperfect...and it relayed the message you were shooting for.....and i'm totally hating your mom right now...GG |
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This is a good start Alice. Lets try for some stronger language though. The opening could change to something a little more simple and lyrical. If you don't mind here is an example.
You tighten your face
and act so cold
How can there be A's
without you on the boat
This would begin an iambic sort of meter to your verse. That is just a suggestion and as I am not the best of poets take what I say with a little word of caution. I suggest using the theme of boats in every stanza. Try thinking of your mother as a navigator who does not seem to hold her vessel in great esteem. This would make your plea stronger. |
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