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Hope by the Numbers/revised
Terse talk spit out into air antiseptic
Talking cold talk of chances, of odds
Spitting the newly informed on slow
roasted uncertainty, zero false hope.
Hope by numbers spoken percentages
offering less, in this case, thirty or so.
Antiseptic words of treatment and side effects
possible, likely painful and toxic, without
promise of respite or healing just odds
Chances spouted, numeric again, spat
out in bleached mechanically safe words
void of and avoiding any or greater hope
Odd silent ride by elevator to the street we
wander struck speechless tongues glued
to palates lips smothering talk for the time
Her grasp is tight in my hand squeezing it
as if by not letting go and holding on tight
the talk from upstairs will depart and we
slowly can be as we were, hopeful and strong.
He doesn't know everything he could
be wrong. We can find other doctors we
can find other treatments, I know if we
look. Hurried hushed panic in rising
whisper, hers. He's not, calm talking, me.
Hope, we can have hope, if you give up I swear
I will hate you. I haven't. I won't and you know
you won't. Fuck you for being so calm, you don't
know what your leaving me means we're not done.
I know, I love you, but will it help if I panic
too? Kiss me and let me dry your tears over the
percentages. I want some coffee. I want a drink.
You shouldn't you know. I know but what can
it hurt? That sounds like you giving up!
I'm not and you know it. Fine, find us
someplace quiet and dark by the water.
Good I hope it has scotch, something old.
So little solace for so much bad news. I take her
hand and lead to a place down by the wharves
dark and quiet by the waters with scotch for me.
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Comment by: champagne Online- 2007-04-25 08:10
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Holy cow a sestina try!
Yes, Mark, this isn't really a rigid, true to formula sestina. They are really difficult to write. The best way to start (I've found) is to find six words that serve at least two functions of grammar, such as "run". ie: The run in her stocking chased her thigh, up along her leg; and I watched the deer run through the pasture.
When you've got that accomplished, try to write the envoy first, so that you have an idea of where the poem is going. Once you start a sestina, keep in mind a spiral and spin your end words through the six stanzas, if you have a problem with that, I know a man who used an excel worksheet to keep his end word order straight.
Thanks for showing us your experiment with this tough and exacting form, Tucker. It is a really difficult formula for a beginning poet to tackle and I think you've shown a terrific effort. |
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Tucker, interesting form here: I looked up "sestina" and found>>>
"a poem of six six-line stanzas and a three-line envoy, originally without rhyme, in which each stanza repeats the end words of the lines of the first stanza, but in different order, the envoy using the six words again, three in the middle of the lines and three at the end."
Not sure whether your piece follows this form, but maybe you can set me straight. I like the pathos of your poem, especially the recurrance of spitting, which I imagine may tie into the nature of the illness that is being discussed? There is an audacity and a courage in the lines that is inspiring. Thanks for the read.
Mark |
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| A little ruff around the edges but nice and deeply personal. It wasnt bad, it was actually good. I'd like to read more when you write it and I know you should. |
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| Thanks Maggie. This was fairly personal but it was an exercise in writing a sestina. The meter could be cleaner and perhaps the language tightened up. I am not a poet by nature so this was a difficult process. |
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Oy! I know what you mean. "someplace quiet and dark by the water."
To Drown.To forget. Is it really worth it? Damn right!
Thanx for speaking your( my )pain. Well Done,Friend :)
Stay Golden.....Maggie Mcgill |
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