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Sine Qua Non
I split myself this morning
putting away knives.
I paused to let the blood scramble out,
And in the liminal minute
The light show, the fanfare, lasers and fog
Went dead, and God was Goddess.
She was unconquerable on the throne usurped
By overendowed bulls; mighty and concordant
Behind the scenes. Resplendant in silver, silk,
Ambrosia, she offered a goblet of tears for making
All things new.
As I drank she turned, and was all at once and always
A chambermaid delighted to arrange,
Prone and in the barest cloth
Undiminished for all fanning apathy.
I hoped to be a bird on her shoulder,
Giving no thought to authority,
Sold to the discipleship of possibilities.
The knives away and wound bandaged,
I sat on the porch and waited for her call
Within the multitude of homeless faiths.
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Comment by: Valerie - 2007-10-27 07:25
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Oh, I like this. Wonderful writing and unrhymed to boot. Original!
Critique- having taken a number of creative writing classes, it's now recommended that punctuation be kept to a minimum...in my last class...no more than 3 punctuations. I do believe that internal punctuation is necessary in most cases, with the exception of a comma before "and" which is not needed. The majority of end-line punctuation is superfluous, after all, this is not prose. In poetry, one takes a momentary pause at the end-lines, so commas and periods are not really necessary.
But I must say even though you have some punctuation, it doesn't take anything away from your poem. This is well written, and a pleasure to read. |
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I love the line
'sold to the discipleship of possibilities'
That sums it all up so well... The opening of the mind to broader horizons. And so un-hackneyed, which what I just wrote isn't!
I like the voice of this poem; its quiet contemplative, questioning.
I was only confused around the second stanza where I think you have too many commas? (also a typo in resplendent?) It has 3 Es...
Resplendent in silver{,} silk,
Ambrosia{,} she offered[;] a goblet of tears for making
All things new.
I think the commas between 'silver' and 'silk' and after 'Ambrosia' are superfluous, but possibly you could add semi colon after 'offered'?
I might have misinterpreted your intentions here, but that's how I could make sense of those two lines.
Really liked this poem, though. And it makes me smile that a small cut, (I bet it was only a small cut), inspires a poem with the grand sweep of this one... Like a mock-heroic epic. Great! |
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Comment by: - 2007-02-11 01:06
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THis is my favorite line. and I'm not sure why. I paused to let the blood scramble out.
Blood really does seem to scramble or run for an exit whenever a wound is made...but I never thought of it that way until you pointed it out.
Best Wishes, jenn |
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| Wow! I like this a lot. Great first line. Great story. Nice tone. Great last line as well. The 1st and 2nd in the last stanza trail off a bit. This makes me think of the original gender roles, if there was a such thing, and the long history behind the propaganda for certain beliefs. What secrets were shushed, what coincidences are not actually unintentional, what kinds of hints and reminders and instincts are we missing out on, or glossing over. Well done! |
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| Good, a little rugged around the edges, but the tone and ambience was great. |
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