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CONFESSIONS
I hate your goddamn wondering eyes!
Your low-life attitude and immaturity I despise!
I'm irritated by the fact that you can't understand me!
You're loving and caring and just too damn sweet!
You're a little too possessive and a little too jealous,
A little insecure and naïve.
You're most of the time an outspoken coward!
You're always there for me in times of grief!
You claim to be something you're not
But you hate people who put up a fake visage!
You expect everyone to be 'perfect' like you-
You're a pretty good replica to tell you the truth!
You're a little too prudent for my liking
-a little too believing to believe.
You're sometimes so intense it's a little bit frightening!
You (claim to) love me so much it's just a little hard to conceive!
You're too honest, too pure, too bored,
Too predictable, too responsible and too obsessed!
You're too conceded, god! , you're even too damn short!
You make me deal with all the shit I've suppressed.
You're so caught up with your own needs
And the specifics you're looking for.
You're not one to forgive and forget'ever!
You're everything I'm looking for and more!
I hate so much shit about you,
But god, help me if I lose you!
For you're the one thing in my life I can't live without!
I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!!! I'LL DIE FOR YOU WITHOUT ANY DOUBT!
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Comment by: Biniza - 2007-06-29 04:19
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| I am blown away! Really! I love your use of punciation! And I do agree with the idea of incorporating the last line into an extra stanza. I love the concept. By the way I was wondering if you could get me some contacts to get my works published too. I live out on East London. Please e-mail me about the contacts. Check me out on www.editred.com/Biniza |
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| Great attitude display ... then a suprise punch line! |
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Comment by: - 2005-11-08 06:08
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Try shouting this in a small room, then go back to the beginning and whisper it. Which do you think is more effective, more sinister - especailly when you get to the lilne with 'death' in it? The exclamation marks have to go!!
I also think the last line could be developed. At the moment it acts as a kind of punchline, but it could be used to recolour the emotional tone of the whole poem - add a kind of resignation to absurdity and fickleness of human relationships.
You have a lot to give.
xx Sian |
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Comment by: - 2005-11-07 00:45
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| I really enjoy what you were saying with this, and did get a sense of frustration from the passion of it all. I agree about the exclamation marks, your words convey enough. It's like if a child keeps stamping his feet while shouting, pretty soon you are only focused on he stamping. |
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Comment by: - 2005-11-06 16:56
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| I'm not feeling the exclamation marks. I understand that you're trying to convey passion here, but the mood coming off more of a jovial one. "You" is used a little too often; the repetitiveness takes away from the meat of the work. All stanzas seem to have their place, but I think they could use a little tweaking as far as rhythm is concerned. This doesn't flow nearly as well as it could. Also, you might want to take the last line, break into two lines and a new stanza. That might help a bit. Overall, though, I like the concept. |
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