 |
 |
 |
| |
A Deathly Story
A spider crawling down my back
told me what was there.
He told me what the feeling was
that seemed so cold and bare.
A ghostly presence, an awful moan
-did tell a story great.
A story of a lonesome night
that happened once of late.
The beginning was romantic
(of love at second-glance)
The middle full of horrors
that put me in a trance.
The ending was so terrible
I wished I hadn't heard!
For an evil being -jealous-
had killed many with his sword!
The spider nodded, "There's the blood"
"It proves the story true".
A burst of anger took me then
-a wave of weeping too.
"How could one do such things and live???"
"To see the sun rise and set???"
"Where is he? Take me to him now!"
"I'll see he pays his debt!"
"It is no use- he's killed himself"
Responded moaning voice.
"And after all that he had done,
he really had no choice".
"And remember that cold feeling?
Again the spider said.
"That's death -you are no longer living-"
"For you are also dead".
"You mean I lost in battle???"
"Against that evil fiend???"
The ghostly presence responded saying,
"you don't understand."
"Now look upon your body, see?"
"No cut on either side!"
"You died not by the sword, no sir!
"But by poison -suicide!"
I stared at him, and he looked back
And at last I did see...
The murderer, the evil one...
Was no one else but me!
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: donald - 2007-09-21 13:04
|
|
| scary stuff i got chills when e red, it u r good |
|
|
This is a cute little poem. It's dreadfully dark, but cute. I write horror, so you could understand why I would take to such a poem. This is very well-written, and your rhyming does not seem forced. Your word choice is all great.
Now, a critique is worthless if it doesn't give suggestions for improvements, so here goes. First, the poem is kind of sing-songy. This is caused by two things. First, the rhyming is fairly static. The end of the even lines of each stanza. There is no mid-line rhyming, or even great sound play like assonance. Secondly, the lines are what are called end-stopped. This means the the end of sentences always land at the end of a line. This chops the poem up, forcing one to read it like an old fairytale, which is so overdone that no one wants to read or publish that anymore.
Otherwise, it is great. You have some nice talent there. I know you do a lot of stuff, according to your profile, but you should definitely consider writing as your future. That may be a bit much for me to say after only reading one piece though. Whatever you choose, keep this as a hobby, and best of luck on whatever you make your career.
Bedtime for me now. |
|
|
Fantastic, another Michigan writer fascinated with spiders. Excellent!
Great rhythm and flow.
-john |
 |
Comment by: - 2006-11-08 10:38
|
|
| Excellent, SP. I didn't see the end coming. Great stuff. |
| 1 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
