The earliest memory I have of the abuse was when I was around 7 1/2. I remember waking to see my father hurrying out of my room. I wasn't sure why he seemed to be sneaking around and just fell back to sleep without another thought.

I was awakened later that night because of a weird felling I've never felt before. As I stirred in my sleep and started opening my eyes I saw my father remove his hands from under my covers and quickly leave my room.

I didn't know what had happened or why my dad was acting this way. I didn't think much of it, I was only 7 1/2 and was half asleep, so I did what any other sleepy 7 year old would have probably done, I went back to sleep.

The next time I was awakened from my sleep was several weeks later. My mother had gone to play bingo and I was sent to bed early because my father said he was tired and wanted to go to bed.

I wasn't very tired, but started to drift off when I heard my bedroom door creak. With my eyes half open I saw my dad pushing my door open and pausing for what seemed like eternity in the doorway.

I couldn't seem to keep my eyes open, but almost the second they were closed I started opening them again because I felt that funny feeling I had felt several nights earlier.

As I opened my eyes there was my father standing over me with his hand underneath my shirt. He was rubbing my chest, going from one to the other. I had no idea what he was doing, I only knew it felt weird.

At first I thought he was tickling me, but when I fully opened my eyes and saw the blank look on his face, it scared me. I had grown to fear my father not long after my brother was born. He always spoke in a very loud, deep voice and if that didn't straighten you out he would grab a hold of you with his huge hands.

I guess that's one of the things I remember most, those huge, rough hands. As time went on I would grow to be completely turned off and sometimes even afraid of huge, rough hands and anyone with them.

I also can still remember that shitty grin that I would grow accustomed to seeing whenever my father would be up to no good. It's a look that has haunted my dreams for many years. A look that said he knew he had control over me and that he was the stronger of the two.

I started to ask my father what we were playing, but he silenced me before I could finish. He just kept staring at me - when I tried to sit-up, I was pushed back down and told that he was just checking on me and tucking me in and that I should go to sleep.

That night when I fully awakened and he didn't try to sneak out was to be the last night I would ever sleep soundly while I was in that house.

Not too many nights had passed when I was awakened again by my bedroom door squeaking - this time when I opened my eyes, he didn't leave or make excuses.

I was completely awake and he was still there - hovering over me like a giant dark shadow. I wasn't even really scared because I had no idea what he was trying to do.

It seemed like eternity that he was standing there - I started to sit-up to see if something was wrong and was immediately pushed back down and he leaned in closer and I saw that grin cover his face. That's when I became frightened - I didn't know exactly why, I just knew something was terribly wrong.

"Daddy wants to show his little girl how to please him." I'll remember those words until my dying day - they have echoed in my head many nights and have caused me to awaken with a start when I would dream about it.

"Is mommy going to play?" To this day I don't know why I asked, I must have thought there would be some comfort or 'safety' if mommy was there too. "No, mommy's not home yet and mommy can't know the special way you show daddy your love because she'll get very angry with you and leave you."

"I love mommy too" the words came out slow and stuttered as I tried to understand why I suddenly felt so afraid.

"Yes, but mommy will think you don't love her if you tell her our special secret and then she will go away."

I was mortified and didn't know what to say or do. He came closer and sat down on the bed beside me - I looked up at him, but there was a blank look on his face - except for the piercing eyes that cut right through me.

His eyes never left mine as he reached up to pull the covers down that I had slowly pulled up around my neck without even realizing it. I didn't realize I was holding on to them until his voice broke the silence and scared me half to death - - "Let Go! I want to show you how you can keep daddy happy so he doesn't get mad at you anymore."

I lay there not knowing what was going to happen - should I be scared, would it really be ok, what was he going to do - what did I do?? Too many questions for one little mind to handle.

His large hands blocked what little light was coming from the crack in the door as he reached up and brushed the hair away from my eyes - "it will be ok, you're going to like this."

His hands moved down to the nightshirt I had been wearing and lifted it up to my neck - I was still motionless, not understanding what was happening.

His eyes moved from my eyes only momentarily to whatever chest a seven year old could possibly have. Then as he looked back into my eyes (I now believe to watch my reaction) he slowly rubbed his fingers over my chest. I felt that funny tingle I had felt many nights earlier and now realized this was not the first time he had done this.

My expression must not have been the one he wanted for he insisted "Come on, smile - I know this feels good." But it didn't, I didn't know what I was feeling - I just wanted to know what he was doing.

Just then the dogs started barking outside and he got up as if he was surprised to hear them barking. (I now know he had to hurry to leave before my mother came into the house).

"Remember, Freckles (I always hated that nickname) don't let mommy know our little secret unless you want to make her leave." Those were the last words I heard from him that night.

For four years these little visits occurred off and on, usually when my mother was away, but sometimes even when she was home - that's probably why now, as an adult I can't understand how she didn't know.

For most of our "little special times" he would sit on the bed beside me and rub my chest, but there were occasions - usually when he'd be more drunk then the rest, that he would lean over to kiss me as his hand found it's way underneath my underpants and between my legs.

Although the whole ordeal made me at the least very uncomfortable and most times left me feeling ill - the one part I remember vividly is his breath as he leaned over to kiss me. There is nothing like the smell/taste of stale beer on someone's breath - at least to a young child.

By the time I was about to turn twelve I got one of the worst "special visits" from my father. I don't know why our 'visits' suddenly changed - I only know that if I wasn't a messed up kid by then - I was about to be.

My mother had just recently started playing bingo again and both my little brothers were sound asleep. My father told me it was time for bed and at first I thought nothing of it because it had been awhile since he last came to my room. But when I got up to go into my bedroom and he turned toward me - I saw that look on his face - I knew that what I had prayed to stop, wasn't at all over.

I went into my bedroom and although I was supposedly getting ready for bed you would have thought I was sleeping in the North Pole. I had put underwear, long johns, and a two piece pajama set on and crawled into bed with the covers coming up to my neck as I lay there in silence praying I was wrong.

After what seemed like eternity with no one coming into my room, I started to relax, but still was unable to sleep.

It wasn't very long afterward that my door opened and there he stood, staring at me from the doorway. I wasn't sure why he did these things - or even if all fathers did them, I only knew I didn't like it. I would soon learn that what I had gone through before was nothing compared to what I would soon experience.

He came over to my bedside and looked down at me - "This is going to be a very special night - you're getting older and it's time for daddy to show you how to please a man." I didn't know what he really meant, but I know that my mouth was dry, my heart was pounding, and my body was tense with fear.

He leaned over to pull the covers down and realized what I had done (putting on layers of clothes) - he pulled me out of bed by one arm - when I started to let out a faint squeal he immediately covered my mouth and said that if I woke my brothers I would pay dearly. I swallowed hard, afraid that if I didn't the pain I was feeling in my arm would surely make me squeal again and I knew what punishments he was capable of giving.

He stood in front of me and said "Take off your clothes" I just stood there in amazement - I still didn't fully understand why he was doing these things, but something inside told me it was wrong.

When I stood there too long without obeying him I got a swift smack across the face - "You are to do as your told, you can't expect to learn anything dressed in that!"

"I...I...don't want to...learn anything" my voice was soft and almost inaudible - "WHAT, WHAT DID YOU SAY?!! It is time for you to learn how to please a man and you won't say another word about it."

I slowly started taking off my pajamas as he stood there and watched me - it was one of the most humiliating experiences I've been put through up to this point.

He then threw me back into the bed and sat down beside me - I felt powerless and very vulnerable with no clothes or covers around to even help hide my shame.

He stared into my eyes as he always had and started rubbing my chest - I could not comprehend the feelings I had felt at that moment - they were so mixed and confusing.

When I had tried to turn my head or close my eyes in hopes it would help keep some of the humiliation out - I got warned and had to turn toward him.

After he took his time rubbing both sides of my chest he leaned over for that disgusting kiss I dreaded and his hand slowly slid down over my stomach and between my legs. I thought it would soon be over, but I was wrong - this time he didn't just rub between my legs.

As I jumped and cried out - he pulled his face slightly away from mine and smiled - his hand still between my legs - "You liked that, didn't you?!" I didn't know how or if to respond - it seemed to be a question, but one that I had to answer a certain way. When I didn't respond he got closer to my face and in a firmer voice said "I know you liked it - didn't you?!!"

I couldn't answer - I still felt pain between my legs and was scared to death at what would happen next.

"If you liked that, let's see how you like this.." he put his fingers back inside me and repeated the motions several times. I didn't like it and didn't want to ever feel that way again.

I wasn't sure how long this was going to last this time, but however long it would be - would be too long.

Two years went by and although I never had a really peaceful sleep, nothing like that last visit happened during this time.

I was going to be going to high school next year and I was scared - I hadn't had many close friends growing up - I was always very shy and afraid to draw attention to myself. I didn't want anyone else getting close to me - I was afraid they would find out what I had done and I felt ashamed.

Although things weren't going real great at home - they were better for me and I was glad for whatever break I was given.

Things were going well that is until my mother decided to go away for the weekend - her and my father weren't getting along much at all and I guess she thought she needed time alone - there went my heart.

I prayed - her first night gone - that he would drink until he passed out, but I would soon find out my prayers would once again not be answered.

He came in - drunk as usual - only this time there were no excuses for what he was going to do. He just came over to the side of the bed - slipped off his clothes - - something he had not done before and something that told me I was in for a night of hell.

He seemed to stand there momentarily, as if to regain his senses - then he told me to move over and he crawled in beside me. I just layed there - motionless, unable to speak or move.

He turned on his side - facing me - and started to rub my chest through my shirt - he then started to lean in toward me for what I thought was going to be a kiss, but instead he lifted my shirt and placed his mouth over my breast.

A completely unrecognized feeling came over me. I didn't know how to react. I only know I hated it - for even the sight of him disgust me, but I have never felt whatever it was I was feeling & I hated myself for feeling anything.

He moved his mouth to my mouth and as he was kissing me his hand went to that all too familiar place between my legs, I didn't know what to expect - I only remember the pain from before, but he only rubbed me there this time.

Then I felt something against the outside of my leg - I soon learned what it was when he removed his hand from between my legs and rolled over on top of me - I never felt so much pain as I did when he penetrated me that night.

But a feeling that was worse was after he did what he came to do - he passed out - on top of me. I felt as though I couldn't breath - I just knew I was going to die that night, but God would show me no mercy - I would live.

I've hated myself for a very long time for not trying to fight him that night - I wasn't a little seven year old anymore - why didn't I make him stop - why didn't I at least try to push him away - or scream - or fight back somehow??!!! Why did I just lay there and let him have his way with me - had I provoked him in some way?

They were just some of the questions that I have asked myself repeatedly. He never had another 'visit' with me after that, but my life was forever changed.

I tried to cover up the hurt I had been constantly feeling by being "tough". I was not very open to people and although my toughness was just a front it prevented me from getting close to anyone. I did, however, acquire a few 'friends' that would help me get through those lonely high school days.

The only problem was the friends I had acquired weren't exactly your good all American teenagers and we got into more trouble than I thought I was capable of.

I got suspended from school, almost busted for under aged drinking, and had it not been for the lack of my curiosity for drugs (marijuana in particular) I might have even gotten started on those - there were enough of them around.

I stayed out as late as possible as often as possible which resulted in my being locked out of the house. It was no big deal to me. I'd rather sleep in my car then have to go into that house and never know if I'd get sleep or not. By the time I was 18 I just couldn't bring myself to stay there any longer - I worried about my brothers (especially Joe) - I would have left long ago if it wouldn't have been that I just couldn't leave them behind to fend for themselves - I figured as long as I was there to take most of the heat they would be ok. They were 9 and 11 when I moved out and I was hoping old enough to be ok. I kept in touch often and took them places with me whenever I could.

A year after I moved out and started working at a large health insurance company, I met a girl there with whom I became quick friends. We started going out every weekend to bars - following two different bands around - whose members we got to know very well. We had a lot of fun and I had since pushed my past behind me - or so I thought.

We would usually stay after the band was done playing and wait for them to pack up and then go to breakfast with the guys. Well, this one night as we (my friend and I) were standing at the back entrance while the guys loaded their equipment onto their bus - Lenny (the drummer) walked by me and leaned over and kissed me, smiled and kept walking.

My friend and I just looked at each other then kind of laughed - I always kind of liked Lenny, but was seeing my friend's uncle at the time and never thought about pursuing someone else - so it took me by surprise.

After the bus was loaded - my friend and I went to join Lenny and Calvin on the bus - the other guys had gone home. We were sitting there talking for a few minutes and Lenny said he was going to go warm up his truck and took my hand and told me to come with him.

I can't believe this, but I went. We were out in his truck and he was talking to me - the next thing I know he's leaning over kissing me and rubbing my thigh - I kind of pulled back unsure of what to do.

He unzipped his pants and took my hand and put it inside his pants - that scared the hell out of me and I made up some excuse of not wanting to get into anything in a parking lot - he tried to persuade me, but when he saw he wasn't getting anywhere - we went back to the bus. I was very surprised that I stood my ground.

My friend just looked at me when I got back onto the bus - and I just sat down beside her. Then she asked if I was ready to go - I was.

Calvin said - you're going to leave already?! I have to go home to an empty house. Then she said it - I still can hear the words - 'you guys can come over to our apartment if you want.'

Well, to make a long story short they did come over and as my friend and Calvin were in the living room talking I somehow ended up in my bedroom with Lenny. I knew he was married and I was seeing someone, but I still had him into my bedroom - I knew he shouldn't be there, but for some reason that's where we ended up.

As I would soon find out - being with another man was not going to be easy. He started kissing me and the next thing I know we were practically undressed and on the bed - aside from being a little nervous, I was fine - until he touched my breast that is.

I almost lost it - pictures of my father came flooding back into my head and I got sick to my stomach. I pushed him away without explanation and he started to pull me closer - I thought I was going to be raped that night, but luckily for me once I actually got out the word NO - Lenny rolled back over - he reached for my hand though and put it on his penis - he wanted me to 'jerk him off' and I was so afraid of having worse done to me that I did.

By the time he had left, Calvin was already gone and my friend was back in her bedroom. I didn't know what was happening to me - I only thought I would never be able to make love to anyone.

I never told my friend what happened that night. I was too embarrassed. I knew there was something wrong with me, but I didn't know how I was ever going to work it out - or if I ever would.

Want to comment on this Short Stories? Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...