I Want You
Written: 10/21/2004
I love you & want you to be just with me
Yet will not constrain you, I'll let you be;
Whoever you want, whenever you need,
But yet I desire in me you concede.
I love you & want you to be you.
Whatever the case, to self, please be true.
Whoever you are, where e'er your road lead,
But still, my desire: it's me who you need.
Yes, I want you but not
If what you need is not me,
Because who you are as who you are
Is all I ever wanted you to be.
Copyright 2005, All Rights Reserved
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: - 2006-01-13 07:00
|
|
| I love this, short but sweet and to me it means alot as I find it quite powerful when I read it, the simplicity of the words and verse adds strength to it. xAnita |
|
|
| Why is it that some people you will not only hear, but listen to, also. I must have has a jingle type rhyme attentiveness when this one came out. Thank's for strong-handing me. I love it when a woman does that!!! |
 |
Comment by: Valerie - 2006-01-04 16:20
|
|
I have a suggestion, a rewrite. I love your thoughts, but maybe it could be said without using rhyme. Rhyming is so very restrictive. I wrote rhymed poetry in the 1970's, and it
was fun. Now today, I am trying to undo the rhymes that I
once thought were clever, and it is difficult to undo. I think that the poem would flow better it you weren't locked into rhyme like Sian wrote. Your poem contains 11-I (s), 22 you (s) and 4 me (s). You have 37 words of I/You/Me. Your entire poem contains 109 words. I'm not trying to tear down your poem, because it is lovely. I feel that it needs to be condensed. e.g., The first two lines: "I love and want you
to be just with me, and yet I won't constrain you, but let you be." Two I's were eliminated, but your thoughts are still intact. These are my thoughts, but I'm no expert. |
|
|
| You may be right, but consider the last 4 lines to be 2 instead. Slick-trick! |
|
Comment by: - 2005-11-10 14:01
|
|
I got a real sense of an internal battle being waged in this poem - a battle that threatened to break out of the confines of the meter and rhyme scheme you locked it into.
xx Sian |
| 1 |
|
