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Nothing More(edited)
You can be nothing more- just the face I painted
With my mind inspired by my childhood gods
While running in the beach and trying
To hold slipping sand in my palms
As if to keep innocence from dying away.
You are the single grain saved
From turbulence of wind and waves.
You can be nothing more- just a lullaby
Heard while I sleep in the lap of dreams
And the rain whistles at the glass leaf
Lulling the sound heard only once
To the senses of that passing day
And then render me blind, mute and deaf.
You can be nothing more- just the ship
of dreams I wait for in the harbor
Of the limping years. When I come to sleep
At last with my enemies, Time and Hope.
And though my ship of dream shall never
Come to port, my dreams shall never ran out.
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| This is great. It should be "running on the beach" though instead of in. Also "my dreams shall never run out."Other than that, you create such beautiful imagery. |
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beautiful! I especially loved the last stanza. It was a soft transition from painting a face, to listening to a lullaby to a ship of dreams.
Just one sugg:
2nd stanza: lap of dreams
3rd stanza: ship of dreams
don't know if the repetition of dreams was intended or overlooked.
otherwise, I really liked the piece. Nice work. Keep writing. |
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beautiful! i really enjoyed this. i think the last few words though really lets the poem's energy leak out. it needs a stronger sound, harder ending, like--never fade. run out just is very weak and trails off, not a good rhythm for it. the rest of it is so good, builds so much, it's a shame to lose what you created.
thanks for the cleavage compliment, by the way. i certainly do have cleavage and a half.
tantra |
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beautiful! i really enjoyed this. i think the last few words though really lets the poem's energy leak out. it needs a stronger sound, harder ending, like--never fade. run out just is very weak and trails off, not a good rhythm for it. the rest of it is so good, builds so much, it's a shame to lose what you created.
thanks for the cleavage compliment, by the way. i certainly do have cleavage and a half.
tantra |
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Comment by: fredav - 2007-01-31 23:29
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Gotta agree with Lance. The first two stanzas were awesome. So powerful and moving. Loved the description, especially the sand slipping from your hands, save for one grain. The ending didn't do it for me. But you definitely have potential, Anton. Keep at it. =)
Freda |
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