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| Love the imagery and the emotions. Smooth read. |
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Comment by: fredav - 2006-12-05 04:01
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| very, very nice piece. have to agree with manda. reads much better without the "I am". This flows quite well, and there's a simple yet complex feeling to this that I get. |
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Comment by: Manda - 2006-12-02 23:22
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| the only suggestion I have is to remove the "I am" bit. personal opinion here, but I think that by removing that, you will give the poem a more grand quality and it would give that particular section a dreamlike flow. Wow, that sounded like a load of poetic crap, but I think it'd make the entire piece just POP. :) otherwise it's a gentle and beautiful piece. good work. |
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Comment by: bees - 2006-12-02 23:00
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Its nice, the short lines lend simplicity to the complex emotions. I would recommend that you add a little more punctuation to slow the reader down over those short lines.
But that depends if you want the "lost" to be a frantic lost or a more relaxed moseying through the desert if you understand what I mean.
I like the sentiment. |
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| Cool flow with this poem. The simple words spark a lot of imagery. I like the part about eating locust and forsaking honey. |
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