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Just Because
Love is sloppy,
not the way we make it
just the way it is.
Stained and wrinkled,
like it's been somewhere.
Like it's risen between my legs
the way he has.
And you haven't.
Why do we have to close our eyes when we wish?
Why do we have to close our eyes when we kiss?
Remember when?
Insides go from blue to red.
And you're not there,
you haven't bled.
No it's not a phase,
this is how I am.
This is how I am, I,
I swear to god.
I'll always be this way.
I'll never change.
And I believed it.
More than anything.
More than a wish that I can't see.
More than a falling star I let fall away
because I had to close my eyes.
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Lyndsey, I was about to close this laptop and let my head snap back to my pillow when I came upon this powerful piece. I read the comments and was floored by the obvious ignorance contained in several of them. This poem is just that, a poem. Poetry does not need a set structure or metrical composition. That is the point of free verse. Look at Terzain. Her stuff is nearly all free verse and magical. Structure and metrical composition is for traditional poetry, but poetry has changed since the days my grandparents read it. I prefer to write with structure, but I will say for the record that I had a free-verse poem quite like this that was published. Some will say free-verse is not real poetry. To them, I say, "blow me." I don't need their affirmation. I am published and read. That is enough affirmation. I have read university-supported textbooks that cover free-verse in detail. Your poem's structure is appropriate.
Again, I prefer structure, but for this poem, don't change it. This poem is beautiful. You show a certain amount of strength, courage, and self-acceptance that is astonishing. Your descriptions of what it is like to be female, and to live with that, and to find that others have a hard time accepting that, is enough to hit me hard. I am a man and accept you as you are. I hope that others accept me as I am, in all manners, sexually or otherwise. We all have natural issues, emotionally difficult to traverse, but we go through them whether others accept it or not. We have no choice. That has huge impact on us all, as does your poem. You're just getting over one of the worst parts of your life, so stay tuned. Keep this poem, come back to it a few years from now, and see how you have changed.
I'm talking your ear off. To put this simply, this poem is absolutely beautiful, reminiscent of Terzain. Keep writing. Though you shouldn't need it, you've received my affirmation. |
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| Hey you are 16 and these people are not, you can write in this way just because you feel like it if you want to, it is your write to wright the way you right ok. & if at 16 you are capturing some beautiful images, like you have in this poem 1st and last stanza's especially, then imagine what beauty and worded delight you will create when you are older, after playing with form and metre, only to come back full circle to this free place of writing? go girl x |
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| Hi Lyndsey... I like the fact that you seem to have a lot of emotion invested in this poem (that's where a lot of our inspiration comes from as writers, isn't it?), but I can't help but feel that you were not conscious of how you designed the poem. Instead, it seemed to just be thrown together--as Lance had mentioned below--without any attention being paid to meter, rhyme (perhaps), stanzas and what the separation of each stanza means to the poem and to you. Unfortunately, it's not always enough to just "feel" like you should start a new stanza/paragraph whenever you want to, or throw an indentation in for the hell of it, because if done too much or seemingly without purpose, that can be a sign of laziness or even a misunderstanding on your part of what poetry is. Nowadays, "poetic" rules are much more loose and open than in the past, but there's still SOMETHING that makes a non-rhyming, un-metered piece of literary work an actual "poem," and I'm not sure that I see it here. The emotion is here for sure, and so is the intent, but I think this one needs a solid revision and some genuine focus on your part on the form of the poem. But then... poetry was never rigid, so I could always be wrong. Good luck though if you decide to revise this one! I'll definitely be checking back to see if any changes are made! |
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| Keep your eyes open. And keep the faith. |
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| No structure, no metrical composition....where is the poetic verse? While others see poetry here I see nothing more than a blog. Please don't misunderstand me, I see you have placed an emotional content here that to you is quite real and as that and that only it is a good write. But as a poetry it fails. I'm finding many here confuse poetry with their more editorial or personal journal writes....while many, as yours is, can be emotional and heart felt, there is little or no imput of poetry within their works and that is what I thought this site was about. Maybe I"m just "old school", but I surely would like many of these pieces to read more poetically...Luv Lance:) |
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